


Of Kings and Shadows

by FablesRose



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Capture, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mild Language, Pain, SHIELD, Superpowers, Trust
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 71,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25580731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FablesRose/pseuds/FablesRose
Summary: Y/n, a girl who seems to have found her calling. Being a SHIELD agent is like a dream come true. With a friendship starting to form with the Avengers, she’s the Queen of the world! What could go wrong?
Relationships: Avengers Team & Reader, Avengers Team/Reader, Loki & Avengers Team, Loki (Marvel) & Reader, Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Comments: 39
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Be prepared for lots of awesome music! The 60s-80s 😘

_Gosh I love my_ _job_

I've been walking these halls for coming on two years, and it still never gets old. With my certifications getting higher and higher, I'm finally able to take on more missions.

I took out my little .22 caliber handgun when I got to the shooting range. It wasn't my favorite, but the little cricket is what I take with me on my personal outings. I've got to keep it in practice.

I made my earplugs wherein and secure before emptying a magazine into the target. When I was finished I rubbed the heel of my hand up to the hollow between my thumb and index finger. I wasn't as comfortable in the grips of the cricket, making it a little sore. When I was confident I could hit a jerk in the chest five times in a row in a snap, I set it down to pick up my work guns. The ones I take on missions and carry around the base.

One by one, my hands easily fit around the grips and shot the target. Not perfect, but pretty close. All were in the second circle from the bullseye and everywhere in-between. And one by one the guns went from counter to my hands, to back down, warm. Repeat with a different firearm.

Finally done with the long line I gathered my things to start to take the guns apart and clean them. Everything must be in their best condition and orderly; ready for use in a flash.

Take the gun apart. Grab the cotton pad. Wet it with solution. Use the ramrod to thread it through the barrel. Cringe at how dirty it is. Grab another cotton patch. Get frustrated at how long it's taking to get the barrel clean. Finally, put the gun together again once everything else is wiped off.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Check the time.

Repeat.

Now to move on to the rifles. The long-range was a little bit of a walk away, so I packed my things and set off. I let my legs take me as I thought about my job. I'm not scheduled for any missions for the next couple of weeks. Tomorrow I have to fill out some paperwork and go over some reports to sort them out. That's going to be _soooo_ much fun. The one thing I hate about my job. Next week will be sparring. I do need to keep getting my strength up.

Eventually, I arrived at the long-range, and nobody was in sight. That's how it usually was when I came, just a little hole out of everyone's schedules. The silence had me a little uneasy, so I pulled out my phone and hit shuffle. Music started to quietly play as I checked out the 300. The display said that it was sighted in at 300 yds, and I smiled at the thought of seeing if it was true.

Sitting at the table I set the gun on the squishy supports, lining the crosshairs on the center circle. I took a deep breath and let it out halfway. Holding the rest my finger slowly tightened on the trigger.

Before the hammer hit the casing there was a slight twinge in both my gut and my mind. Call it a women's intuition, but it felt like someone's eyes were on me.

I slowly let the stale air escape through my nose as my finger relaxed and put the gun on safety. Gently the gun was laid on its side before I lifted my head to see who was watching me. It would be cool to just ask them who was there without looking, but there are too many bad situations compared to good ones to who I would be speaking. Hate to lose my job or get penalized for speaking disrespectfully to a high ranking person. And the embarrassment is too much to bear in any other situation.

My head turned towards the door automatically, finding a blond man looking through the window. The only way to describe his facial expression is the teeth/grimace/awkward emoji. 😬

I gave him a small smile and waved him in. Once his face wasn't being distorted by the wire in the glass I recognized him. I quickly stood at attention.

"Agent Barton?"

He gave a slight chuckle and shook his head waving me off, "yeah, that's me, but stop that."

I relaxed my stance and actually sat back down.

He walked over and offered a hand, "Clint"

I took it and gave a solid shake, "y/n," I left a pause before deciding to offer a last name as well, "l/n"

He had a natural crooked smile and stood relaxed. "Sorry for stopping you... Did you hear me?" He lifted an eyebrow in question.

"Uh, no. Not exactly..." I always had a difficult time explaining it.

"Intuition?"

I smiled, "Yeah, something like that."

"Yeah, Nat has a killer 6th Sense type of deal. It's almost frustrating."

I gave a quiet laugh through my nose, "yeah, I've heard Agent Romanoff is like that. But I'm sure you have a lot of first-hand experience."

"Tell me about it!"

There was a comfortable pause when I realized that my music was still coming from my phone.

♪ _Hit me with your best shot! Why don't you hit me with your best shot♪_

Before I could turn it off, he gestured to the gun on the table. "You any good?"

"I meet the requirements," I replied simply.

He smirked, "well why don't you give it your best shot?"

"Sure"

So I made sure the sights were right. And they were, exactly three inches high at 100 yards. Adjusting to make sure the bullets hit the bullseye I emptied the magazine into the next target. The bullseye was soon shot out in the shape of a five-petaled flower.

Not intentionally, just an observation.

"Not bad"

"Thank you"

He went over and grabbed a bow off of the back wall. He stepped up to an archery target and looked over at me, "my turn"

♪ _H_ _it me with your best shot! Fire away!♪_

Letting go of his arrow, it flew and landed right in the middle of the bullseye. I gave him a mockingly sophisticated clap. Ya know the four fingers to the palm tapping clap?

He gave a scoff before nocking another arrow. He fired, but it was high and left, by quite a ways. I lifted an eyebrow.

_That wasn't that impressive Clint, far from it..._

He shot me a little smirk before shooting another one, this one high and right. He shot five more arrows, none of them in the center. All of them were below, but that's all I could make out from the angle I was at.

I glanced at him to see what he would say for himself when he beckoned me over. I walked the little ways to stand next to him.

"Look"

And I looked over at the target to find a smiley face looking back at me. The eyes were centered on the nose, which was in the bullseye. The arrows in the mouth were perfectly spaced, deliberate.

That caused a smile to spread on my face.

Clint raised his fists in a cheering motion, "hey! She has teeth!"

I made a swing to hit him, but intentionally missed, "hey!"

"I'm kidding I'm kidding!" He glanced at the clock on the wall and hurriedly hung the bow back up on the wall. "I've got a meeting with Fury in a couple of minutes..."

"Oh you better go, son"

He chuckled and gave a half-wave, "see you around y/n"

"See you around Agent Barton"

I glanced at the clock and decided it was probably time to clean up myself. I sat myself down at the table and glared at the cotton patches.

This'll be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

_♪_ _Risin_ _' up! Back on the street. Did my time, took my chances. Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet. Just a man and his will to survive!♪_

The sparring room was busy today. Lots of eyes, lots of noise, lots of sweat. Luckily it wasn't ram-packed, scheduling made sure if that, and it wasn't just three people either, cause I think that's even more awkward.

That led to what was happening now. Me, headphones in, drilling in techniques with the dummy in front of me. The more I focused the more I could tune out the chill from the wandering eyes around the room. There was enough people for not one or another to be a specific target.

_Left. Right. Duck. Spin. Uppercut. Kick._

_Again._

_Left. Right. Duck. Spin. Left hook. Knee._

_Again._

_Left. Right. Duck. Spin. Right cross. Pin._

_Again._

So on so forth. There soon came a rhythm.

_Hit hit._

_Down up._

_Drip._

_Drip._

_Breathe._

Sometimes it would go along with the bass guitar, drumming through my ears. It made everything smoother, and had my lips stretched a bit.

My mind soon began to close in on itself, letting my body take over. The little twinges from my gut faded to the back of my mind as I explored my own head.

_I think I'm out of ice cream. And milk._

_Okay, so if I finish reviewing and entering that report when I'm done here... When I'm done here I'll have to shower... That warm water sounds nice... Right, report. Then I can go get groceries. I think I left my list at home, dang it. Oh well I'll have to make due._

My gut twisted familiarly again and I waited for it to pass like all the other times, but it didn't. In fact it got stronger. It caused me to come back to reality, I dislodged one headphone to be able to hear a little of the outside world.

It didn't help.

I continued my drills, feeling that little prick at the back of my mind build and build... Until it felt like someone was almost right behind me.

That's when I dodged to the side and swung my leg to trip the person behind me. I figured it was safe to do so in the sparring room. If no one was there, fine. Just practicing. If someone was there, fine. Just practicing.

I don't know if I liked that there actually was someone there. They easily dodged, me just clipping their toe, which means they were ready for it.

He rolled and popped my arm out from under me causing me to fall on the mat. I got up quickly, but not quickly enough. He got a loose hit to my cheek before I was steady. I started to fall, so in a last resort I swung to hit something as I was going down.

He let out a grunt, it felt like a jaw hit. In retaliation he gave a gentle kick to the back of my knee, causing it to bend, and me to fall faster.

My shoulders hit first, barely softening the blow for my head. A groan escaped my mouth, a little bit more when I felt the shoe on my stomach, signaling me to stop.

"Hey, she's not too bad"

"Yeah, you see how she just knew I was there?"

I thought I recognized the voice, so I opened my eyes to focus on the man above me. I almost instantly reddened when I saw who it was.

I hurriedly got up and stood at attention. Making myself dizzy in the process. I resisted the urge to rub at my cheek that he hit.

"Agent- Agent Barton!! I'm... I'm so sorry"

He just chuckled and stretched his jaw. "It's fine, it's fine"

"Awe, she's kinda cute"

I flicked my eyes to who spoke and found my face go even redder.

My voice caught in my throat, "A- Agent Romanoff??"

Her blank face was kinda scaring me until there was a slight twitch in the corner of her mouth, looking almost like a smile.

"Nice to meet you, Y/n."

"At ease Y/n, we're having a conversation," Clint noticed I was still in my stuff stance through the exchange. Natasha almost definitely noticed too, but she didn't say anything.

I almost followed his order to the letter, shifting to the at ease position, but figured he just wanted me to drop it altogether, so I relaxed.

"Nice to meet you too, Agent Romanoff"

"I'll like ya even more if that hit makes a bruise on his face"

I let out an unattractive snort.

"Hey!" I looked up to see Clint starting to sign at Natasha really fast, her signing just as vigorously.

I'm sure there was a swear fest I couldn't understand in front of me. I only caught a total of three words: eat, drink, and bullshit.

Not sure I wanted to know the context of the first two words, and I found it a bit strange because I'm pretty sure the sign he used for the third was BSL... But I didn't think too much about it.

Clint suddenly started laughing and turned to give me a high five. Natasha had a smirk on her face. I received the high five with wide eyes, not understanding what was going on.

I finally just shook my head, "if this is the reception I would get from everyone I got in a fight with..." I locked eyes with both of the Agents before me, "I should do it more often."

"Ya know? I think we'll be friends. Natasha, meet my new friend!"

She finally stepped up close and offered her hand. I gave it a solid shake.

"I liked how you didn't turn around. You had your headphones in right?" Natasha nodded towards the forgotten headphones on the edge of the mat. They must have fallen out without me noticing during the struggle.

"Yeah, I did"

"How'd you know we were coming?" She looked curious, but the little sparkle in her eyes had me suspect she already knew the answer.

"Um, well. I didn't _know_ per se. Just a feeling I guess?"

She nodded, "like someone was watching you"

"Exactly"

"You know, everyone has that sixth sense type thing" I looked over at Clint, his arms folded.

"But yours seems fine-tuned... Useful out in the field"

I smiled, thankful for the compliment.

Natasha nodded, "I'm curious to see you in the field... Hopefully, I'll see you out there one of these times"

"I hope so too Agent Romanoff"

Clint unexpectedly gave me a side hug. I reached an arm out to return it. When he let go he wiped his arm on his pants in disgust. I shot him an apologetic smile in getting him all sweaty.

He had a crooked smile easily resting on his face, "see you around Y/n!"

I gave a half wave, "see you around..." I nodded at Natasha, "Agent Romanoff"

"Agent l/n"

They left me to my training, but I just couldn't quite get my head back into focus. I finally finished a few drills and went to shower, not believing the conversation I just had.

_I guess I'm friends with Clint Barton. And Natasha Romanoff complimented me. Avengers... Wow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor


	3. Chapter 3

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

_Eyes straight ahead._

_You've trained for this._

_You're ready for this._

_**Then why don't I feel that way.** _

"Is that y/n I see?!"

I recognized the voice, and it took a lot of effort not to snap my head to who it was, just to make sure it was who I thought it was.

I had to stay professional. In line with all the agents beside me. At attention with the best of the best, you had to be to get recruited. I still have a hard time believing that I'm here sometimes. Now especially.

Clint now stood in front of me, smiling like a boy. I allowed myself a small smile back, shooting him a wink to say I was happy to see him. He opened his mouth before hesitating. He gestured to my fellow agents at my side, "Okay everybody, let's get all set!"

At the same time we all released our perfect stances and got to work, the final prepping steps needing finalized. Clint grabbed me before I could get to work, not that I minded, I wanted to speak to him anyway.

"Y/n! I'm so glad you get to come with us!"

Before I could respond I felt a clap on the back, instinctively I readied myself in attention, scared of a commanding officer.

"Relax y/n, it's me." I let out a breath when Natasha stepped up beside Clint. "You won't be getting in trouble around us"

I smiled, but a thought struck me, "you... You guys don't seem that surprised to see me here..." Clint started to grin, "I mean, this is above my pay grade this soon of my being here"

Nat had a smirk that matched Clint's excitement in mischievousness.

Then it dawned on me, "you guys gave the recommendation..."

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~

"Agent l/n,"

I looked up from my desk full of paperwork to the agent asking for me.

"Yes?"

"Deputy Director Hill would like you in her office"

I froze. Was I in trouble? What did I do?

I managed to squeak out a "now?"

He nodded with what I hope was sympathy, "yeah, now."

The only thoughy that really consoled me was:

_At least it's a girl, it's not Director Fury._

But my most prominent thought was:

_I'm screwed_

I knocked, and when told to, I walked in, stood at the center of the room. In my go to stance on the presence of a superior I finally spoke, "ma'am, you asked to see me?"

"Yes Agent l/n, I know it's short notice, but you've been selected to fill a slot in an important upcoming mission. We have a new..." She trailed off, trying to find the word. "We'll call it a program, a niche if you will, that your skills, I think, will fill in nicely."

She proceeded to hand me a file. I relaxed my position and started to go over the information in it, relieved I wasn't in trouble.

"Will you accept?"

I dragged my head up to look at her, finishing the sentence I was reading before finally looking hey I'm the eye, "yes, of course."

I looked over a little more of the information before adding a question of my own. "Ma'am, I -- out of curiosity, how did I get selected? I mean, isn't this big of a mission fall outside of my qualifications?"

She smiled, which I didn't think she was capable of honestly, and said, "well normally yes, but in this instance you were requested. And they backed up their petition with your recorded skill set, so I thought I'd try you out."

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°

I groaned, closing my eyes, "I don't know if I should thank you two, or chew you out..."

"Can I choose?"

I snorted out a laugh when another voice caught my attention.

"Clint! Natasha! Status report!"

I turned to see who it was only for me to freeze...

Kinda like he did....

_Ba dum_ _tiiisssss_

There was Steve Rogers, walking towards our group.

"The agents are making final preparations, Cap"

"Good, get everything ready so we can go." He walked off to probably do some captain-y things.

That made a dilemma for me... What do I call him? Captain? Captain Rogers? Captain America? Agent Rogers? Mr. Rogers?

I'll just call him sir.

"How many Avengers are coming? It wasn't in the file"

"Everyone but Bruce. He has work to do, and probably won't be needed today," Natasha explained.

Clint threw his arm around Nat, "that and insurance for Loki in the cage."

I was puzzled, "I heard about that... What exactly is the story behind it? Him?"

"Well, since he got hit in the head hard enough, early enough --"

"By the Hulk" Clint butted in.

"He must have broken through the mind control, kinda like I did to Clint, of these more powerful beings in space. That we know nothing about. And have no ability to reach." Nat's bitch-face game was strong.

"Well, Thor and Asgard could, but what's-his-face Odin won't do anything" Clint stretched his hands over his head lazily.

"So Loki helped us shut down the attack, and is now in a cage while he gets approved to join the team, or something or another"

"And he's being a massive sass-a-brat"

I snorted, "a what?"

"Sass-a-brat, sassy and bratty as anything"

"Oookkkaaayyy..." There was a moment of silence. "I should probably actually do something before I get kicked off the squad, before I'm officially on it"

_"Approaching the target in one hour"_

"Alright folks, that means get prepped. Let's get all the equipment going"

I couldn't tell who was saying what, all I knew was that I needed to set up my project. The equipment to this new program.

I felt a hand on my upper arm, tugging me to stop. There was Clint standing with Tony Stark. I snapped to attention.

"Y/n, stop."

"Agent Barton, Mr. Stark"

"Hey, yeah, stop calling me that. We're friends, call me Clint"

I blushed, it was a habit. I was glad he said it outright though. I'd hate to call him something disrespectful without his permission.

"Tony" he offered his hand, so I shook it.

"Y/n l/n"

"So since this is your first big mission, y/n"

I turned my attention to Clint.

"I would like you to stay closer to either me or Natasha out there."

I raised eyebrow, does he really thing I'm not capable? Ouch. And that doesn't matter anyway--

"I mean, you can take care of your self, but I'd hate for you to get seriously injured on your first big break."

That made me smile, and I was about to correct him before Tony interrupted.

"Awe, that's so cute. Legolas taking care of his girlfriend"

"Tony. She is my friend. And, no offense y/n, she's my friend type. Not a relationship type."

"None taken." I looked at Tony, "same here"

My attention back on Clint, "now I appreciate your concern, but I'm actually not going to be out there in the way your thinking. Also, no where near you"

He looked puzzled.

"Attention everybody!" The agent in charge stepped up on a box. I wasn't sure if his name, I would probably know it if I wasn't talking to Clint...

"This'll be a bit different this time around. We have a new section. Once everyone gets their comms, your team of three or four will get a tracking device. Only turn the one on in your comms if you get separated from your group. Now these trackers are important in which a drone will be following you. Small, and extremely agile, these things will be surveiling you."

A voice rose from the back, "is this for the government to accuse us for even more crap?"

He smiled, and instead of answering, he found me in the group and beckoned be to the front.

I raised my voice to be heard by everybody, "Actually," I stood next to the Agent.

"They're for me to watch your back." I paused for dramatic effect...

"The trackers will allow the drones to follow each group. The live video will came back to me here in the jet on these monitors." They were tucked in a corner, out of the way. They looked like the highest tech they could find.

"Now, you better get used to hearing my voice, because, though it be best if you didn't, you will be hearing a lot from me."

I didn't have anything else to say so I just smiled and turned back to the dude in charge.

"All right, you heard the lady, be prepared and listen to her. Go and finish up getting ready!"

The aircraft was a bustle to get in position. The comms were handed out and a check took place. One by one I heard voices say check in my ear. The agents went first, in order of rank, making me last. Then they went to the Avengers. 

"Hey, Clint's girlfriend" Tony's voice came through the device in my ear.

Nat shot back, "Tony, we already had this conversation. Unless you want a repeat of how that ended?"

"No, actually Natasha, I wasn't talking to you... This time..."

Then I knew he was talking to me.

"Still very much single Mr. Stark," I focused on getting all the drones videos synced with my monitors. Tech wasn't my specialty, but I was proficient enough thankfully.

"Hmm, too bad. But since you're going to be watching my back, if I get one scratch on this new suit..." he trailed off as if it was a threat.

"Do go on, Mr. Stark" I finally got all the drones up and running.

"I'm gonna blow your drone out of the sky"

With out thinking I said, "not my money you're spending"

There was a moment of horrified silence on my side.

_Respect_

_Respect_

_Respect_

_Doesn't get you in trouble_

_You_ _fffffffffffff_ _-ed up_

"sir"

A chuckle was the reply, "right answer kid"

I smirked to myself as a shakey breath escaped.

"All right! Let's shut this place down!"

"COME, LET US BRING HONOR TO OUR ANCESTORS!"

Everyone left the jet, leaving me, the pilot, and two others outside to keep watch.

"And I thought that was an exaggeration..."

The drones were launched, each following a team. The only team of two was Thor and Tony, both covering the sky, and the extra fire power.

They spread out, covering more ground for troops to take care of, so they didn't have to on their way out. Everything was going smoothly, not needing my help, seeing and taking out guards faster than I could tell the location. Then in the corner of one of my screens I instinctively noticed wasn't quite right.

I pressed the button on the control panel, patching my mic directly just to that team.

"Team Delta, there's movement on your ten o'clock"

The two closest people turned quickly to the direction I stated, the other two facing forward, as to not leave any blind spots.

After a moment, the front most agent shot a single bullet, noticable by only the muzzle flare in the camera. A body fell from the trees, not moving another muscle.

I watched another approach the body, check for equipment and made sure he was dead. Once I was sure there wasn't anymore danger on their screen I went back to surveying.

"Echo, check your 7 o'clock, possible sniper barrel."

So it went, the beginning was pretty simple. A soldier here, a soldier there. Then as we got closer and closer to the base, the more difficult it got.

"Charlie, you got two heavyweights on your 11."

"Delta, 4 on 12, quick they see you coming."

"Bravo, keep an eye on that machine gun from the sky will ya? 2 o'clock "

"Alpha, take group of unsuspecting, at 2"

"Aye aye, y/n!"

That caused a smile, but soon I stopped telling names, just pressing the button and going. Listening in on their organization.

Then I saw a row of soldiers, all pointing their guns at anything that moved, and my people were coming up. I pressed the all button in haste.

"Everybody drop, line of fire coming up. All prepared."

They dropped before coming into sight. I then decided to call some shots.

"Bravo, light em up."

Everyone covered their ears in prep for the noise.

I watched as Tony shot the line down. Thor following up knocking everyone out of the way.

"All right kid, is it clear for everyone else. Your 6th sense tingling?"

"I don't see anything... Home free"

"Agent, we aren't out of the woods yet, we still have the actual building"

I blushed at the stern tone of the head dude's voice.

"...pardon my language sir"

After a moment of silence they approached the door.

"I'm afraid the drones won't be of any help in there, so I'll keep watch."

"Copy"

And so I waited, listening, making sure no one got hurt. I cut off the trackers and positioned them on all sides of the building.

Nothing was too exciting, but after a little bit, one of my drones picked up a force approaching the east side of the building. With the lay out of that structure, the thin hallways wouldn't leave either side with much of a chance. I couldn't tell what weapons they were carrying either. That got me worried.

"Strong force, unknown weaponry approaching east side... I hope you're almost finished"

"Alpha, clearing"

"Bravo, out"

"Charlie, ready"

"Delta, check"

"Echo, as well"

I sighed, almost there. Sure enough no more than two minutes later they were exiting the west side, heading towards the jet. I synced the trackers to the drones, keeping a close eye as they headed out.

"Halfway home kids"

Right when it left my lips I mentally slapped myself.

Multiple voices came through my ear.

"Y/n..."

"Excuse me?"

"What"

I squeaked out a small, "pardon."

A chuckle was heard, I couldn't tell who it came from.

After what felt like forever, with only a minor tail that needed to be taken care of, the jet came into sight on my screen.

"They're coming in!"

Once everyone set foot on board I landed the drones. Packing them up as quickly as possible I felt a hand on my shoulder making me jump.

I was relieved to see it was Clint, "nice work out there agent Barton."

I quickly closed the case and picked it up to load it on deck. Stumbling when I didn't have a steady stance. I regained my balance and loaded it.

"You were awesome, y/n." He placed the last box next to the one I set down. "But seriously, call me Clint."

I just smiled.

Over the course of the ride home, I got quite a few 'good job's and 'nice work's. I even got them from Steve and Natasha.

Tony approached me, "Hey kid, you even didn't get one of the drones blown up."

That caused a lopsided smile to form on my face, I resisted the urge to roll my eyes when I replied, "thank you, Mr. Stark."

"INDEED FAIR MAIDEN, YOU HATH DONE WELL!"

"Well, that's a new one" I had never been called that before.

As much as I liked it, I was just glad everyone made it back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I've been missing a character... Dontcha think?

The only thing on my mind when I got back was to get out of these sweaty clothes and take a shower.

Ever since that successful mission with the Avengers a couple weeks back I've been one more and more missions. Some in the new drone program, others, break in and blow stuff up, and still others, like this one, infiltration. Today it had to be quick, no extended period of time. In, get as much footage and information as possible, mostly about their tech and advancements for now, and get the heck out of there before they started to realize that they had extra agents in their halls.

I was in the team that went to the computers. Well, the back up, cuz we're smart enough not to go into the center heavily guarded computer lab and ask for them to download everything onto a flash drive... The back up was a room in a far corner, hooked up to the main lab, but all the info went to it, just in case. It could be readily accessible in case of emergency and they had to evacuate.

The progress on their largest, latest, and most dangerous projects were downloaded, and a bug placed in their system to spy and get the rest later. The computer room was hot, only too small of fans going to cool it down. The thick Hydra jacket wasn't helping in the temperature dilemma either. I dreaded having to replace the helmet and visor when we had to leave.

It went without a hitch, in and out. Now the shower was in the forefront of my mind. With my helmet on my head, for one, it was too hard to take off with all the straps, and two. for keeping my hands free for other stuff, I headed to my locker. The visor was put away immediately. I could almost feel the stream of water in my back, and the steam gently touching my face when the dream was crushed.

"Agent l/n!"

It was Brian Fletcher. Agent Brian Fletcher. He's been the dude in charge in... pretty much all of the missions I've been on in the past couple weeks. I learned his name on the second mission with him, and learned he was one who actually deserved respect twice as quickly. Incredible agent, and from what time I've spent working with him he seems like a good man. One thing is for sure, he's been doing this for a long time and knows what he's doing.

"y/n, I'm gonna need you to go down to the workshop... or where ever Mr. Stark is and give this to him." He handed me a file which I assumed had the information we just recovered.

"Yes, sir. I'll grab a quick shower and hand it off. "

"No, now."

I resisted the urge to groan, but failed to withhold, "why?"

Before I could retract the statement, or Brian could answer, there was a voice from across the locker room, "Because you're the only one here that Tony likes!"

He looked at me with a look that said, 'they have a point'

And I'd be lying if I didn't say I mirrored the expression.

So, I took the file, not bothering to take anything off, since this is _so important._ I trudged down the hallway, in the most _respectful way possible._

I nodded to those I knew as I passed, the file securely in my hand. There were a few double takes at the uniform, but were quickly resolved once they noticed how disheveled the open jacket looked and saw my face. Which, looking back may not have been the best reaction, and wasn't a good decision on my part in the first place either... 

Oh well.

I finally made it to the lab/workshop/whatever you want to call it. That shower was still calling my name, so I wanted to get this over as soon as possible. Unfortunately, the commute to Tony's den was not short, and my legs were not getting any younger. Fortunately, we have been making the Avengers compound our landing base, so it wasn't like I had to go from SHIELD headquarters to find him.

I knocked on the window, but the music was playing really loud to be heard over the louder machinery. Since he wasn't gonna let me in I decided to see if JARVIS would let me in.

"Hey, Jarvis"

"Yes ma'am"

"I've got orders to give this file to Tony, can I get in there?"

"It is open miss"

The door moved a little bit to show it was now open. It kinda made me wonder if it was open all along, but there wasn't anything telling me it was so I didn't think too hard about it.

"Thank you sir" I said it in a little sing song to show my appreciation without all the formal crap.

"Of course miss"

I could feel the bass guitar rattle my bones in just the right way. In the short time that I listened to it I could tell that it was an AC DC song, but not exactly which one. Not that I should know, I only did have about five on my recognizable list.

Right then Tony's peripheral vision must have picked me up as he stood up knocking his chair over behind him. It probably would have been smart of me if I had noticed he was working on a repulsor. That was on his hand. And now charged up. And pointed at me.

As any regular sane person, I didn't want to be blown sky high, so I raised my hands and made sure my face was visible so he could see who I was and that I was no threat. There was a tense probably ten seconds (which felt like hours, but you don't wanna know that) where the only movement was the metal shavings on the floor, vibrating with the guitar rifts. 

"Mr. Stark? Its me, Agent Y/n L/n?"

He blinked a couple times, like he was clearing his vision. I realized he was probably really tired, and plus looking at something so small and close probably messed with his eyes. After a second he seemed to have registered who I was and smiled.

I let out a breath, then figured I had better explain why I scared him half to death. 

"Hey so I was sent to give you this file, right away. I'm pretty sure it contains information we just acquired from that HYDRA base we just infiltrated." I set the file on his desk then had an idea. "Hey Jarvis?"

"Yes miss?"

"Make sure Mr. Stark doesn't forget this file, please?"

"Consider it done"

I smiled, "Thank you!"

I looked back at Tony to see that he was lowering his hand with the state of the art in weapon tech strapped to it. I was only alerted something was amiss when I noticed his eyes widen and look slightly above and behind me. 

Then I was thrown into a wall.

The gut feeling washed over me too late. Maybe it wasn't even _that_ gut feeling. Maybe it was just the churning from being tossed across the room, high enough in the air as to miss most of the equipment in the room. Whatever it was... It didn't help me at all.

My vision went black, and I felt light headed as if I stood up too quickly. Before I could recover, a hand wrapped itself around my throat. My vision came back slowly, but not before that same hand lifted me along the wall so high that my feet no longer touched the floor. They seemed to know what they were doing as they held me in a manner that limited my airflow, but left enough open for me to answer.

Or die slowly.

"That symbol has no place here!"

I finally saw who it was, and my eyes widened in shock.

Loki.

I didn't even know he was released and approved, yet. That being said, maybe he wasn't. The only thing that mattered that he was either gonna question me, hurt me, or kill me, in the next few minutes. Who knows? Maybe all three.

"What were you going to do to the tin man!?"

He tightened his grip, a threat to answer. His over eagerness betrayed him, however. My view started shrinking. His questions faded out, the shower that was so wanted before, now seemed like an out of reach luxury. One I no longer wanted or thought about. The only thing on my mind was the pain of being slammed yet again into the wall, and the ever decreasing oxygen supply.

I smacked at his hand. Tried to pull it apart. In a last ditch effort I kicked my legs. One of my feet hit something, it was obvious it was on the side of his body as my heal glanced off of him. It caused him to bend at the hip, causing less pressure up against the wall. 

I started to slide down and used the opportunity to smack his hand off of my throat. Dropping the rest of the way to the ground, I crawled away, instincts kicking in. 

"Woah, woah, woah!" 

I fell on the ground trying to catch my breath. I could see Tony step between me and my assailant, back to me, holding his hands up in a non-threatening manner.

My hands started ripping off the helmet, which I suppose I should be grateful for, and then throwing the jacket as far away from me as possible revealing in full the SHIELD cut off sleeved t-shirt underneath. It seemed like it would help stop the wheezing, and it also seemed to help defuse the situation behind me. 

Once the adrenaline started to fade, my mind reasoned with what happened. 

_He was defending... Tin man? Did he mean Tony? Oh, I'm getting dizzy again... The ground looks inviting... Man, is he strong... I Do Not... do not... not... want ... to be... on his bad side..._

All the wheezing lead to a coughing fit. One that hurt like the devil and seemed to last just as long. A hand rested on my back, rubbing back and forth as if to soothe me. I glanced back, Tony was crouched beside me, looking concerned. My eyes wandered past him to the man who held my life in his hand a moment ago.

He gave a very stiff nod, not a single emotion easily read on his face. He then turned gracefully on his heal and strode almost silently from the room. Only then did I notice that the music wasn't playing. My coughs echoing around the workshop.

Tony helped me sit against the wall. I gingerly touched my throat, clenching my jaw when I realized how tender it was.

"Are you okay?"

The first sound that came out of my mouth sounded strangled, and it hurt just as much. I took a sharp intake of breath before trying again.

"I'll... " I took another deep breath, "Live." I rested my face in my hands, letting out a shaky breath. I didn't know that there were tears rolling down my cheeks until my fingers felt them.

"Okay, breathe in. Through the nose. Hold it..." His fingers were lightly touching my knee, perhaps in a gesture to show he's there.

He guided me through breathing exercises for a couple minutes. The way he watched me do it and helped showed this was far from the first time he's done this. For himself or others I didn't know.

Once my breathing became regular, or at least _more_ regular, he helped me stand.

"Let's get you to the infirmity, that bruise is getting swollen."

I wobbled on my feet, grabbing onto his hand to help steady myself.

"Thank you, sir."

"Y/n, call me Tony... After we get you fixed up I'm gonna find out what the actual crap happened."


	5. Chapter 5

After Tony got Y/n situated nicely in the infirmary, he finally got to drop the whole _'it's gonna be just fine'_ the whole calming charade. He ran his hand through his hair roughly. This was a mess. A mess that shouldn't have happened in the first place. The more he thought about the situation, the more he paced.

Loki's dangerous. That was for sure, and of course one of the first things he did was go and attack one of the most tolerable agents in the building.

Someone was in trouble... And it sure ain't Tony.

"Jarvis!"

"Yes sir"

"Where is that sleazebag?" He paused and looked puzzled. "I must be tired, Jarvis, how long has it been since I've slept?"

"Do you know what the word sleep even is, sir? Loki is in the common room, Mr. Barton is also in the room, attempting to make conversation"

"Bird brain should know not to try to talk to a dead man" he strode purposefully down the hallway, murder in his eyes.

"May I suggest you sleep on it? Think this through, sir"

"Nope!"

"Of course sir"

Meanwhile, Loki was sitting on the couch, perfectly content with doing absolutely nothing. With living millennia one must get used to it. Perhaps one actually becomes fond... Who knows, as obviously, the author does not.

"So Loki, how is it being in society again?" Clint leaned forward in his seat in the effort to look interested.

Loki didn't make eye contact, instead, making a show of summoning a book and placing it on his lap. "No better, as society contains people, especially the people on this realm"

Clint scrunched his mouth to the side. "Fair enough"

"LOKI!"

He barely glanced up at the raging man coming at him, "yes, tin man?"

"Oh, don't you pull that crap on me! You're gonna tell me exactly what that was back there!" He stopped just far enough away so he could resist the urge to launch himself at the immortal being sitting on his couch.

"Now, Stark, whatever you are talking about. It could just be a misunderstanding," Thor decided to walk into the common room from the kitchen, surprisingly without a mouth full of food. He must have heard the severity of Tony's voice.

"Yes, you pull me out of my 'prison' and say that I am free to work with all of you idiots. Then you proceed to force me to sit through a meeting telling me who all the 'bad guys' are." Everyone could hear the sarcasm dripping off of his tongue. "You put so much emphasis on this one group with a symbol of an octopus--"

"Its called HYDRA Loki" Clint cut in, suddenly not comfortable with the eyes on him.

Loki stared at him pointedly as he continued, "The Octopus group, since a _Hydra_ has multiple _heads_ and not multiple _tentacles..."_ Loki then turned his gaze back to Tony, "You say they are bad and should not be messed around with. I see someone with that very same symbol on their jacket _and_ helmet and since I'm _so obedient_ I decide to defend you, since you were obviously too scared to blast them with that so called weapon that was on your hand."

There was a moment of silence.

"And you are asking _me_ what happened... "

"Tony, it seems like it was just a mistake, did they die?" Before Tony could answer Clint continued, "It was one of our agents wasn't it?"

Tony took a deep breath, "Loki, you are SO LUCKY that she's gonna be okay with that stunt you pulled..."

He closed his eyes and clenched his fists before turning his attention to his team mates, "It wasn't just any agent..." 

They both raised an eyebrow.

"It was y/n --"

*Cue le gasp from Clint* "YOU DIDN'T TOUCH Y/N!"

Loki pursed his lips, not answering. He seemed to have realized this girl was well liked.

"-- she was just back from an infiltration mission at one of the HYDRA bases that we had under surveillance. She came to..."

"Sir, you left that file miss l/n gave you in the workshop"

"... Yes I did Jarvis"

"What's her recovery time look like?"

Three of the men jumped. Clint didn't even look over.

"Hey Nat"

She didn't answer, only raised an eyebrow at Tony. One might call it a concern.

Once he recovered enough to take his hand off of his heart he walked over to a chair and sat down. Thor in turn moved Loki's legs, earning him a glare. Natasha chose to stand at the front of the room in a position where she could see everybody.

Tony ran his fingers through his hair one more time. He blinked his eyes a couple of times, the exhaustion finally setting in, "Um well, she said the doctor told her that--"

"Tony"

"Right, right, " he shook his head. "So, Y/n has to stay in the infirmary for forty- eight hours to make sure she doesn't _die."_

"Tony"

"Of course! So she's gonna be, uh, out for a couple weeks at least... Probably gonna be in a neck brace..." He closed his eyes, trying to remember after the adrenaline from anger had subsided.

"Though they can not be certain at this time in the evaluation, she seems to not have any neurological effects from her injuries and should make a full recovery without many, if any, permanent conditions"

Nat looked up at the ceiling, "thanks Jarvis"

"Wait, Jarvis, were you eves dropping on her examination?"

"Well sir, I am in charge of everything in this facility. In order for me to actually work I must listen in on everything. There are also cameras everywhere and I am directly linked to security."

Tony pointed a finger up at the ceiling, "You are correct"

Loki's shoulders relaxed, only slightly, and no one was looking at him to notice.

"Well then if that is the case I don't see a problem"

All heads snapped to him. He then realized that might have been a mistake.

"Brother, may I suggest treading carefully"

"Noted"

Clint slowly rose from his seat, eyes wide like he was hunting prey.

"Remember who you're dealing with... The only reason you weren't dead when I heard one word of Y/n being hurt by your hands is because I needed to get a full assessment. Plan out exactly how," Nat looked like she was going to pounce, "and where I was-- am-- going to hurt you"

Tony watched them with half lidded eyes, "Ooh boy, you're in trouble"

The two agents slowly, meticulously, stalked towards the figure on the couch. 

Loki vanished the book that was in his hand. He proceeded to stand slowly, not taking his eyes off of the predators hunting him. He slowly raised his hands, no sudden movements.

"Now..."

They coiled up ready to strike.

"If you'll excuse me"

Natasha pounced, Clint backing her up, making sure he didn't dodge her.

Right before Natasha could sink her nails into Loki's eyes, he tilted his head, smiled, and vanished to who knows where.

Tony stood as Natasha landed on the couch, "Alright, I'm gonna get a drink"

"Thor, would you mind making sure Tony doesn't do that and get him to bed?"

"Awe, Jarvis, you're no fun"

Thor stood from the couch, avoiding the angry agents looking around to find his brother. "Of course mysterious voice" he bent over and swung Tony over his shoulder.

"No... stop. Thor!" Tony only fought for a little bit before he resigned that he wasn't going to get out. By the time Thor got to Tony's room he was almost asleep on his shoulder.


	6. Chapter 6

' _Man, this thing is so_ _itchy_ '

I wiggled a finger into the brace around my neck, trying to reach the itch in vain.

Every time my mind was drawn to the brace, or my neck, in general, I thought about Loki. Thor talked to me within the week, apologizing, and explaining what had happened.

"It's no excuse, of course..." He said

"But I guess this means that he doesn't have it out for me?" I tried to stay lighthearted, but couldn't help shifting the brace. I winced when I pulled a little hard, straining the weak flesh beneath.

Thor chuckled weakly, "something like that"

"Well I'll make sure not to participate in infiltration missions anytime soon, and if I do, change quickly"

"You shouldn't be on any missions anytime soon. You need to rest and get back to strength, Y/n"

"I appreciate it, and I will, your Highness"

"Good, but please, just Thor"

I simply smiled.

Flash forward a couple of weeks, in the infirmary for a check-up. They needed to see how my neck was healing and to get an idea when I can live without the brace. They keep saying I was lucky. No neurological damage, a moment longer, or harder and he might have broken my voice box, causing voice changes, and the miracle of not having any of the worse side effects. No bloody vomit, no personality changes, I didn't lose consciousness, it doesn't look like I'm going to have seizures. Only a minor concussion, no long-lasting effects.

They keep saying that, I'm lucky, but if I had just taken the jacket off. Left the helmet in the locker room. It wouldn't have happened in the first place. Just because I was stubborn. Some times it still seems strange to be able to take in a deep breath. Time and time again, I have to shake my head, dispel the uncomfortable feelings, flinch at the twinge at my throat. 

I didn't feel so lucky.

"Y/n?"

I looked up to where a friendly woman was calling for me to come into the room. I never enjoyed doctor appointments, I mean who does? I feel like I'm complaining, and I always feel uncomfortable telling these things to a stranger. It's almost worse with someone you know... You see them again and they can judge you.

"Y/n, you need to relax. We can't asses the state of your [big word that I didn't catch... something in my neck] if you are straining your neck."

She had taken the brace off, and to be honest, I felt like a newborn. My head was too big for my body, and it was going to tip over, taking me with it. The only thing keeping my head up was the immense amount of effort I was putting into keeping it there. 

"I know it seems weak, but it's stronger than you think. You need to relax"

I opened my mouth and stretched my jaw, trying to get the muscles to relax. Not just for her either, they were starting to painfully cramp. "I'm sorry, I'm trying. It's not working"

After about five minutes of me trying and failing to relax, she gave up.

"Okay, we're gonna have to try a different approach. I should be able to look at it without your cooperation"

I blanched, "wait... What"

Another woman came in with some equipment and a form.

"Sign this please"

I looked over it quickly, signing it with the pen she gave me. "What is this"

"Don't worry, it isn't dangerous. The form just says you are allowing us to do this and won't sue if things go awry. Which it won't" she continued to get it in the right position next to me. It looked like an IV bag, but there was obviously something else in it.

"That isn't comforting"

The doctor took a needle and the tourniquet to my arm. Then attached the bag. Only after did she turn to me and say, "well, this will be."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clint walked down the hall, towards the infirmary. Y/n was supposed to have her follow up around this time and thought he would check-in and see what the doc said when she got out since he had a break. He walked into the waiting room to see Y/n looking puzzled at the ground. She waved a hand in front of her as if she was trying to grab something she couldn't quite see.

"Y/n!"

She looked up and smiled before doing a more forceful slap in the air. "Hi Clint"

"Are you okay? Have you gone in already?"

"Yes and yes, I have just seemed to have lost my desk"

Clint looked around just to make sure that he was in the infirmary, questioning himself first before the girl in front of him.

"Um, Y/n, you aren't at your desk "

She glared at him, which caused him to step back, "Well obviously Clint!" She gestured at the space in front of her, "Because I lost it!"

He sighed and walked up to what one could call a receptionist, "Hey, can I take her?" Clint threw a thumb back at the confused girl sitting behind him.

The guy at the desk looked around Clint to Y/n. "Hey, miss L/n?"

She peaked her head up at the sound of her name, "Yes, sir?"

He smiled with a patience that can only be blessed with one who has dealt with way more whacked up patients, "Do you know this guy?"

"Yeah, that's Clint. Barton. Agent Barton"

"Is it okay if you go with him?"

"Yeah, as long as he helps me find my desk"

The receptionist straightened himself in his seat and fixed his gaze on Clint, "So, she seems okay with it, so I'm gonna have to get your ID and fill this release form."

Clint handed him his SHIELD ID to be scanned and started filling out the form. Once he was done he took his ID and walked back over to where Y/n was sitting... Only to find she wasn't sitting there anymore.

Clint snapped around to the guy at the desk. He just shrugged his shoulders with wide eyes, organizing the papers he got handed. 

Snapping back around he said the only thing that fit the occasion, "well, shit"

Y/n wandered the hall, her lost desk long forgotten. She was hungry, and could not for the life of her remember where the kitchen was. It didn't help that the hallways kept changing like the labyrinth. She kept a hand reaching for a wall, occasionally steadying her. She followed the walls, hoping to find somewhere that had food. Soon she started to lose time and stopped paying attention to where she was going.

That was until she bumped into someone, to which she stopped and looked up at him. He seemed familiar.

"Oh, Y/n" He paused and looked at the brace around her neck, "I will just apologize for--"

"What's your name again?"

He looked down at her, baffled, "Loki"

Her eyes widened, eyebrows raised, and her mouth formed a perfect little "o" in realization, "That's right, sir. Now if you'll excuse me, Your Highness." She continued down the hall, now actively looking for the kitchen once she was startled awake per se. 

Loki just watched after her confused. That was not how he expected their first conversation to go after... Not that he was planning it, but he had some ideas, and that was not one of them. After a moment he continued down the hall but was stopped again by someone else bumping into him. Loki scowled, why couldn't anyone watch where they were going?

Clint had a hand on the wall and was bent over panting as if he had been sprinting for a while. "Loki! Have you seen Y/n?"

He looked at him with ruffled eyebrows and dragged out his answer, "yes?"

Clint instantly straightened, "Where'd she go? I have liability over her at the moment and she disappeared on me."

Loki pointed down the hall to where he had spoken to her, still very much confused.

Clint dashed along the wall leaving Loki without another word. Loki had a debate in his head, and by the end of it he sighed and took off after him. It didn't take long for Loki to catch up and pass Clint with his fresh and very long legs. He eventually skidded to a stop when he found the target, still wandering with no idea where she was going.

"Y/n! There you are."

She turned at the call of her name, right as Clint caught up. "Oh hi, your highness."

Clint gasped and turned to Loki in betrayal, "what'd you do to her"

"I didn't do anything! Why's she like this in the first place?"

"Hi Agent Barton"

Clint turned his attention back to his charge, "Oh, she's just doing that thing she does." He walked up to her and looped an arm around her shoulders, making sure she didn't go anywhere, "Hey, let's get you to the common room, then we can figure out what to do with you."

"Is there food in the common room?"

"If you want there to be"

She perked up even more, "Lead the way to the food"

The three of them walked around the building to the common room, an amazing feat of navigation from Y/n's point of view. They sat her down on the couch, Loki making sure she didn't go anywhere while Clint went into the kitchen. He came back with a bag of potato chips and handed it to Y/n.

"Why is she like this? She isn't even scared of me"

"They did something to her during her check-up... I wouldn't feel too bad, she was sitting in a chair in the infirmary thinking she had lost her desk"

"Hmm"

They just stood there and watched as she ate her chips, trying to figure out what to do with her.

"What's she doing?"

"Hey Tasha, " Clint turned to the newcomer, "she's fresh from her follow up in the infirmary. I'm thinking they doped her up, so she's pretty out of whack."

"I'm on drugs?!"

Clint approached her slowly, "No! What I mean is--"

"No! I can't! Have you seen how many commercials there are??" She sobbed and looked up at Natasha, "I can't be a warning Agent Romanoff!!"

Natasha sat down next to her, "Its Natasha sweetie, you're not going to be a warning"

Y/n didn't listen, "I failed *crunch* the *crunch* D.A.R.E. program... *more crunching from chewing potato chips*"

"Oh dear" Loki, Natasha, and Clint all looked at each other, it's gonna be a long day.

Over the next hour, all the Avengers gathered in the common room to try and calm Y/n down, but nothing seemed to be working. 

"I promised my parents..." That caused her to cry even more, and Bruce handed her a glass of water. "Thank you, Dr. Banner." As she drank the water she began to calm down like a miracle. She finished the glass and let out a small sniff, "I'm gonna get fired..."

They all sighed, here we go again.

"If I'm fired I won't ever get to see you guys again..."

They all paused, touched that even in her clouded brain she would think of all of them.

Tony was the first to speak, "Don't worry kid, you can't get rid of us that easily"

Everyone either nodded or voiced their agreeance, except Loki. He simply shrugged, he had no attachment to her.

Y/n reached up to scratch her neck, but just scratched the brace. She put both hands around it and felt the stiff fabric, "why is my neck so big?" She tried to take it off, but Clint stopped her.

"nonononono, leave that on. It's better than it was before. The brace is less thick this time."

"My neck was thicker?!" 

"Okay!" Tony stood up from his chair, "I'm gonna ask what the crap is going on with her when it'll wear off"

Loki stood after Tony had left and started towards his room.

"Brother! Where are you going?"

"To my room to be alone"

A chorus sounded behind him, "Nope! You get to deal with her with us!"

"May I ask why?"

"Cuz you're the one who got her in this situation"

He sighed and flopped back down into his chair, summoning a book to read.

"OH! I like books. What is that one"

Loki looked at the childlike wonder in the drugged woman on the couch, "One you wouldn't understand"

There was a moment of silence, "Probably true sir" She looked down at her lap, "I want a blanket"

Loki turned back to his book while someone got up to grab Y/n a blanket.

"Why don't you tell me what the crap is going on with Y/n!?"

The doctor who treated Y/n calmly replied to Tony, "what do you mean?"

"Why did you give her so much morphine?"

"We haven't given her morphine in over two weeks"

"Then what did you give her?"

"We brought in the anesthesiologist and put her under in order for her to relax"

"Why didn't you give her something like laughing gas or something that wears off faster?"

She looked him dead in the eyes, not wavering, "Because Mr. Stark, it was my call, and we don't have that equipment here. The injuries we usually tend to are large enough for them to be put under to deal with. I suggest you don't question the medical doctor in the room"

Tony sighed and took a step back.

The doctor turned and whispered to the nurse next to her, "and the author thought it would be funny"

"What was that about an author?"

She smiled, "I was simply talking to her about my favorite book and author that I follow. It was a continuation of before you arrived."

"So how long... when will the effects wear off?"

"She should be ready to drive home by the end of the day"

He closed his eyes and huffed out a breath, "Thank Thor"

Tony reentered the common room ready to relay the news. It was almost picturesque, the whole team there, supporting a mutual friend. She was wrapped up in a blanket, carefully eating a cheese stick. Everyone seemed tired, just enough energy to make sure she didn't runoff. 

Tony smiled and took the last available spot next to Steve. "She should be ready to go by the end of the day."

"That's good news. It seems like the effects are starting to wear off already."

Everyone relaxed, a quiet afternoon ahead of them. Surrounded by the people they worked with and cared about, it didn't turn out to be a rotten day. Everyone was ready for a nap though, dealing with Y/n's behaviors. So they started to doze.

Quiet

Peaceful

Comforting

"Wait! Where's my desk!?"


	7. Chapter 7

I gently stretched my neck side to side hearing it creak. As much as I was glad I was back to work, this was not what I had in mind. Here I sat at my desk, staring at my computer, studying for a job that I was probably never going to do. They pretty much just assigned me anything to keep me busy, I had already done all of my paperwork, and Clint's, along with completing my two-hour max of physical therapy each day. I still have at least two weeks of desk work before they even consider sending me anywhere near the field. 

I sighed, this website wasn't getting me anywhere. People went to school for this and I still have no idea what _realm_ this job pertains to. For all I know these words could be in Russian, and I'm supposed to know Russian.

I finally gave up on searching the internet and decided to email the guy that actually does this job.

 **From:** y/nl/n@shield.com

 **To:** ichabodlaime@shield.com

Hey Ike,

Do you happen to have a manual on aerospace tech or something on the controls of the Quinjet? 

Thanks,

Agent l/n 

I stared at the email for a couple of minutes, sure everything was spelled right. Now, Ike was a decent dude, but he was one of _those_ guys if ya know what I mean. Little pathetic, little ignorant, little fussy, but the difference from him and all the other _those_ guys, is he actually knows how to do his job; he does it darn well too. 

He didn't answer back right away, so I continued my search on the web, not wanting to put too many favors out there before he replied. I found what I thought was a decent website after a while, they had most of the 'fix the plane' words in layman terms, so that was nice. This may not be my area of expertise, but there was one thing I knew for sure: its gonna be a long couple of weeks.

On my, what I believe to be, sixty-fourth website, hair from the lower back all the way to my neck stood up one by one. My gut gave a little twinge as well. I slowly turned my eyes to my monitor, just at the right angle to see behind me. A scrawny looking guy was standing right in the doorway of my office. I took a deep breath when I noticed that he wasn't looking at my head, but met my eyes in the reflection of my monitor. 

I spun slowly in my chair to face him since he knew I knew he was there. There was a moment of awkward silence before I decided to break it.

"Hey Ike"

He stared at me blankly for a moment, "You planning on taking my job l/n?"

I pursed my lips, blinking. "Well, I'm glad to see you are having a good day too, Ike."

He frowned, "I mean it l/n"

"No! No, since I'm in time out they assigned me to learn about your job. It won't be enough to kick you out, trust me. They're just keeping me busy." He seemed to relax a little bit. "Who knows? Maybe I could help you out on a mission or somethin'"

He gave me a dorky smile that only a few could love. I was not one of those few.

He sighed, "Yeah I'd like to see that sometime. " He looked down at the floor thinking for a second, "Uh, yeah I have a book I think you could learn something from..."

I raised my eyebrows at him, asking him where it was since it wasn't in his hands.

"Unfortunately it's back at home. You want to meet tomorrow so you could take a look at it over the weekend?"

It was only then I remembered that it was Friday. "Uh, yeah, sure. Ten o'clock would be the best time for me... Do you have a preference for a place?"

"The Starbucks on 17th Street work?"

I gave a tight smile, "Sounds like a plan"

I walked into the shop five minutes early, my parents always did teach me to arrive early. I scanned my gaze over the occupants, looking for Ike. I tried not to breathe in too deeply, the smell of coffee never really was my favorite, and it mingling with the other more pleasant smells was leaving my head spinning. I finally thought I spotted him when I saw the man in my sights was sitting with another. 

The same sensation from yesterday came over me even more powerfully, causing me to find where the eyes were coming from. The staring was coming from the man sitting with who I thought was Ike. We locked gazes for a moment when the other man turned around, only for me to find that it was Ike. He waved me over to their table.

"I didn't know you were going to bring someone along, almost made me think it wasn't you" I tried to sound light-hearted despite the chilling feeling before. Usually feeling eyes on me wasn't that unsettling, I've dealt with it my whole life, paid attention to it my whole life, but in my whole life, it's never told me something like that; and, I don't know what to do with it.

Ike looked at me pleasantly, "Wasn't planning on it, just ran into each other."

I shot a tight-lipped smile to the stranger who stuck out his hand, "Hi, I'm Henry Arnold"

"Y/n L/n"

Ike threw a thumb back at the counter, "Coffee?"

I shook my head politely

"Caffeine not your poison?"

"I didn't pick my poison," I paused, "Mountain Dew picked me"

Henry chuckled. I tried to pick out any traits to describe him, but the only thing that came to mind was average, ordinary. Beige blond hair, structured face... He seemed nice enough though.

"So, you two work together at the patent office?"

I side-eyed Ike who gave a subtle nod, "Yeah, different departments in the office you know"

"Oh yeah? You must see some crazy stuff pass through though, huh?"

"Uh, not really on my side, I worked in the automotive section, so nothing too crazy, just different parts to go into cars for the most part. I don't know about Ike here..." I jabbed my thumb in his direction, kinda just wanting to get out of there.

"Pretty much the same over in the aerospace department"

Henry seemed to have a revelation, "oh, am I intruding on a date or something? I am so sorry!"

I quickly shut down that thought, "no no no, I just asked to borrow an air mechanics manual, their thinking about switching me over, so they sent me his way."

"Oh, okay..." He seemed relieved he didn't mess anything up. "So why'd you get into that department?"

I looked at him, trying to think. "Uh, well, my family was hurt in a car accident at one point, so I thought I'd help and watch vehicles get safer so they wouldn't hurt them again"

"Oh cool"

I hated that I knew how to be polite, "what do you do?"

Henry scratched the back of his neck, "I'd like to say, inventor... But it only happens in my spare time it seems. My paycheck comes from administrating medical trials"

"Interesting, how'd you get into that?"

"Well the inventing stuff was inherited from my dad who recently passed"

"I'm sorry to hear that"

"He was never around much, but my mom, she kept telling me to change the world. 'Be King' she would say... This is how I do that"

"That's cool. What's your current trail"

"In simple terms, it's a type of steroid..."

I raised my eyebrow, "helpin' bodybuilders?"

"No, this one is legal," he smiled lightly. "This one helps with metabolism and the immune system. Unfortunately, I can't be a patient since I'm handing it out, but based on the results so far? I'll be first in line when it hits the shelves"

I raised some finger guns, "if it's that good, you might have to sign me up for that"

He chuckled and stood from his seat, "I might take you up on that, but for now I have to leave. Laime, Y/n." He nodded at both of us before departing.

"Nice guy."

Ike slouched in his seat, "you could say that. Smart, almost overbearing at times. Sorry, just ran into him here."

I forced out an "it's fine." I looked at him expectingly, "the manual?"

He sighed and turned around to face the backpack on his seat. "I do have one favor though."

"And what's that?"

He placed the book on the table, "could you maybe introduce me to the Avengers?"

I bit my lip, "I would love to, but that's not really in my power, maybe Clint, he's sociable, but he's the best bet and not even close to a guarantee..."

His mouth stretched without becoming a frown or smile, "Yeah, thought as much. It was worth a shot though. Forget I asked" he slid the manual the rest of the way to me. "Get it back to me as soon as you are able okay?"

I stood, book in hand, ready to get out of there, "you got it."

I was in the middle of a chapter while walking down the hall. The first few chapters went something like, 'hey so the only reason you're reading this is either you are going to school for this or for some reason you are looking at a broken aircraft that's most likely smoking and you need to fix it quickly. So we're gonna tell you how to do that first.'

To be brief, Ike picked a good manual for me to read.

I saw I'm my peripheral vision the doorway ahead of me and thought I calculated how far I needed to be over.

I was wrong.

My shoulder hit the door frame right on, causing me to stagger. I then got my other shoulder into someone else passing by. I let out a quiet, "ow."

My eyes lifted to see I had bumped into Loki. I quickly apologized, "excuse me, Your Highness." I continued walking, hoping I didn't anger him. Aside from our first meeting, he seemed like a mild-mannered person: irritable, but polite on most accounts. That being said, seeing his angry power once was enough for me and I wasn't planning on seeing where his line normally is.

That's how our interactions have gone for the past few weeks, usually exchanging as few words as possible, always polite, me making sure I slapped a "sir" or "Your Highness" on the end. When in doubt, respect is the safest bet, and titles are always important.

I headed towards the kitchen, still scanning the book in my hand. You think I'd learn my lesson, but I didn't and smacked my shoulder with that door frame as well.

I inhaled and exhaled equally deeply to calm myself, resisting the urge to just shriek and kick the wall for being in my way.

"Hey y/n, whatcha doing here?"

I turned to see Clint silently chuckling telling me he had seen my mishap. I sighed but decided not to comment on it, "My superiors don't know what to do with me since all of my paperwork is done, so I have two missions coming here. One: check up on you guys to see if you are in any trouble. Two: they told me to learn how to be an aerospace engineer and just overall know how the planes work." I waved a finger at him, "You, my friend, can help with both. So," I sat down at the island, leaning towards him on the other side, "what can you tell me about controlling the jets?" 

After Clint gave me his rundown of how it works I felt more confident in my little bit of knowledge. I didn't have much to be concerned about since I knew we would have to be in some extreme circumstances for me to have to do anything. 

"Thanks, Clint," I stood from my stool. "You guys doin' okay out here? No trouble?"

He smiled kindly, "same old, same old... Just Thor eating everything and the kitchen sink!" Clint's gaze was pointedly put over my head.

"I'm afraid the sink wouldn't taste that great my good man."

I turned to see Thor had entered the kitchen, water bottle in hand.

"It's good to see you, sir"

He looked at me pointedly

"... Thor"

He smiled and laughed jovially, "The same to you, my friend!"

I jumped when two hands slammed down on my shoulders. They then started to rub the muscles in my neck.

"Y/n, you should be going home and resting"

I turned my head to acknowledge Natasha, "yeah yeah, I was just about to say my adieus."

I looked at the three of them, "so I can give a report saying you all are behaving?"

"I'm making sure of it"

I nodded my head and said goodbye, making sure I didn't hit the door frame on the way out. Turning the corner I almost ran into Loki again but managed to stop in time.

"Excuse me, sir," I moved to curve around him when he grabbed my elbow, spinning me on my heel to face him.

My arm was brushing the wall, his face the closest it's been to mine since we met. His eyes had a look of determination, to do what, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I swallowed, eyes wide, not daring to breathe, even though I wanted to.

He only spoke a single word, "why." He didn't sound angry, but it was stern enough that I knew he wanted an answer, and he knew he was going to get it.

My hand clenched the book in my hand, "why what, Your Highness?" I was going to lay it on thick, just as much as my voice was becoming.

His hand became a little tighter on my arm, his eyes growing slightly, "That, why do you keep respecting me? Why do you address me with my proper title?"

I blinked. That was not what I was expecting him to ask. I took a moment to get my thoughts together, "Well..." I chose not to look him in the eye, a little scared of what I would find. I instead chose a spot on the wall, close to his shoulder. "For one: you hold those titles. You outrank me in both lineage, birth and adopted, as well as being an Avenger. I guess that makes you my superior..." I took a deep breath before continuing, "um, for two: you haven't given me permission not to."

His hand seemed to loosen a bit.

Why was I really doing this? Why did I give him that much power? For my conclusion to my thoughts, I looked Loki in the eye, "and third, you're a dangerous man." I had to clear my throat of the itch that appeared. 

Loki's face softened and his eyes grew big. One might call it shock painting his face.

"I'd like to think I'm not a fool." 

There was a moment of just us looking at each other, neither of us moving. He eventually loosened his hand enough that I could easily release myself.

I took a step back out of his hold, nodded my head at him and said goodbye, "I've got to go, Your Highness."

And with that, I turned to leave letting out a shaky breath.


	8. Chapter 8

Today. Today was going to be a good day. Music lured me to wake, the bass guitar thrumming through my bones. I arched my back stretching, a satisfied groan escaping my lips. Very rarely did I feel well-rested when I awoke, my job not helping that much, but this morning was not normal. While I didn't like being side-lined on the field, it did give me some extra time to get rested. I rolled my head side to side, glad my neck wasn't sore anymore. It was strange to be able to swallow without wincing uncomfortably.

I got dressed, ate breakfast, and got packed up to be ready for work. I had to make multiple trips around my apartment, which wasn't much trouble with how small it was. With my type of job, I had to either have a roommate that also works for Shield or live on my own. With how fast the arrangements were sorted out I didn't have time to search for an appropriate roomie, and the more I stayed in my apartment, the more I got accustomed to living alone. I eventually got comfortable enough to call it home. 

I had to do a double-take when my eyes scanned over my athletic clothing when I was reviewing if I had everything. I nearly forgot that yesterday they had cleared me to start training again. I smiled, remembering that I was one step closer to getting back in the game. My superiors told me to focus on getting back up to speed in my performance, so I didn't have to learn how to do Ike's job. I returned his manual withing five minutes, ready to get back to the job I loved. 

I had cleaned out my locker when I was on leave, the perfect opportunity to wash clothes. I hadn't replaced them since I wasn't going to be using them any time soon. I quickly grabbed an outfit to wear while training and headed out the door.

I stuck all my bags in the corner of my office space. I had a couple of assignments I had to finish up before I could go to the training room. I wrapped them up quickly, ready to work out. 

Entering the training room was almost nostalgic. Even though it wasn't that long since I've been there, it felt like it had been forever. I adjusted my t-shirt collar, pulling it away from my neck a hair. I tucked my shirt into my running shorts and started some simple stretches, making sure my shirt didn't ride up while I was doing them. There weren't very many people there at the moment, and I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. 

I decided to play it safe today and not work my self too hard. I approached the punching bag wrapping my hands. I focused on my hands hitting the bag. I got into a rhythm, the rest of the world zoning out of focus. I occasionally felt the twinge of eyes flowing over me, but I was in a safe place, so I just kept going. I only used my arms, for now, deciding to work up to using the rest of my body. 

Sooner than I would have liked, sweat started to drip off of my forehead and my arms started to protest the repetition. I quickly shook out my limbs and reached for my bottle of water. I started to take two or three large swallows.

"I heard you were cleared to start training."

The unexpected comment startled me to cut off my water break and shove me into a coughing fit.

"Na-- I mean Agent Romanoff!" I fit in a few more wheezes, "I didn't see you there."

Natasha patted my back to help stop the coughing.

"I could tell, and I've told you not to call me that y/n"

"Sorry Natasha" I cleared my throat one more time and took a swig of water to wash everything down. 

She smiled slightly, how she wasn't named Miss Universe every year even without entering was beyond me. I looked up to her and she seemed to represent what I wanted to become, but standing next to her... It seemed impossible. She was skilled in combat, infiltration, manipulation, she was beautiful, intelligent, and she runs with the 'big boys.' Instead of asking what she is, the shorter list is what Natasha isn't. One thing on that list is she isn't super, she doesn't have powers. And that is not encouraging. 

"So, how are you holding up?"

I wiped the sweat from my forehead, "not as well as I had hoped." I laughed weakly, "I'm not gonna lie, this sucks."

She gave a quiet huff of laughter.

I tilted my head back and shouted exasperatedly, "why did I have to be stupid and get out of shape!?"

"Hey, it wasn't your fault, Loki was stupid and put you out of commission," she paused, "we could have used you on a couple of missions these past few weeks."

I side-eyed her, "it could be argued that I was a dumb there as well," I heaved a deep sigh, "but I appreciate that. Thank you, Natasha."

"No problem, but don't expect me to do that every day."

"Not planning on it."

"Go shower, get cleaned up. You have to work yourself back into it. It looks like you worked yourself well." She placed a hand on my shoulder, "if you're free you should stop by the compound every once in a while."

I smiled, "I'll see what I can do."

After a long stretch session and an even longer shower, I returned to my desk. I kept typing away and working on paperwork. My finger occasionally twirled my little fly-aways that delicately curled around my face after my shower. They were my favorite part about taking a shower, my hair just wet enough to curl naturally. It was the same effect that happened when I am out in the rain. 

I zoned out working on my computer, occasionally rolling my shoulders to loosen them up from my work out. Slowly the minutes passed, only noticeable by the silent turning of the numbers on my monitor clock. I missed the excitement of my day, the suspense of the job, the people I talked to. 

A knock on my closed door dragged me from my train of thought, I turned in my chair to see who was about to walk in. 

It was Agent Fletcher, file in hand, and with the look on his face, it was safe to assume he got back from a mission not too long ago. "Agent L/n," he respectfully waited for me to nod my head before stepping onto my office. "I have a file here with some information that needs to get to the Avengers, Dr. Banner and Mr. Stark in particular."

I reached my arms above my head to stretch before standing and taking the file, "Yes sir. I'll head over to the compound now."

"Be careful, I would like you back in the field as soon as possible."

"Thank you, sir, I will."

The commute to the compound was relatively short, my thoughts occupying me the whole way. I approached the front desk with security handing them my Shield ID for them to scan. They quickly sent me through not saying a word. I walked down the main hallway, not quite sure where the team was.

"Hey, Jarvis?"

"Yes, miss?"

I couldn't help looking up at the ceiling to where the voice was coming from, "Do you mind telling me where the team is?"

"Most are currently in the living area at the moment."

I swallowed, "Most?"

"Tony, Dr. Banner, Natasha, Steve, and Loki are there right now. Thor is in the kitchen, a room over, and Clint is making his way to the living area as we speak."

I let out a breath, "Thank you, Jarvis, do you mind telling me the easiest way to get there?"

"Not at all miss, take the elevator to your right to the third floor and then take another right. This will take you directly to the living area"

"Much appreciated"

I followed the directions the AI told me. Of course, I had been there before, but every time I came it was from a different direction or I was high on anesthetic drugs. I walked down the hallway approaching what I recognized as the living room; when I got there the whole team was there sitting on various surfaces. Tony was standing upfront in the which it seemed he had just made an announcement. I knocked on the doorframe, causing Tony to turn around to face me.

"Hey! Y/n gets to go first!"

I raised an eyebrow in question before scanning my eyes over the facial expressions of the team. They all looked a combination of concerned, confused, amused, and on a select few dread. That wasn't the most encouraging, so I decided to shut it down quickly.

"I don't know what you are talking about, but it's going to be a no. I just came to give you and Dr. Banner this file." I handed the file to Tony and made eye contact with Bruce to make sure he knew it was for him as well.

"Y/n, call me Bruce. It sounds distant coming from you"

I smiled and gave a nod, "Okay Bruce." I gave a silent wave to everyone and turned to escape from whatever I was voluntold to do, but Tony grabbed my arm.

"Nuh-uh uh, Y/n, you can't leave until you sing one song." 

My eyes went wide staring at him.

"It's karaoke!"

I sighed, "really? Can't leave?"

"Yup, Jarvis? Lockdown this floor."

The hallway closed off at the end blocking any escape. 

Tony let go of my arm, "pick a song, any song. There's a prop box you can pick from too in the room to the right." He walked back to the couch and sat down. Everybody looked at me expectedly.

"Okay, okay, um... I'll be back." I walked into the room where he said the prop box was. Why they had a prop box, I had no idea, but I figured I'd give them a show if I couldn't leave.

I closed the door behind me to tell Jarvis discreetly what song I wanted. I quickly dug through the box and found the perfect costume. I took a deep breath to prep myself, "Jarvis, are they ready?"

"Yes miss"

"M'kay, don't let me down"

"Wouldn't dream of it, ma'am"

I took that as my cue and burst through the door. There was one beat of stunned silence before the music started and I lifted a fake microphone to my lips.

_I'm through with standin' in lines to clubs I'll never get in  
It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win  
This life hasn't turned out  
Quite the way I want it to be_

I walked to the front of the room as I sang. There were a few snickers I could hear which made it hard to hold a straight face. I left the asides of the song to the track Jarvis was playing but still held out my microphone to Bruce like he was singing it.

_(Tell me what you want)_

_I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs  
And a bathroom I can play baseball in  
And a king-size tub  
Big enough for ten plus me_

I mimed swinging a baseball bat with the microphone in hand, continuing to sing the song. This time when I put the mic to Tony's face he sang along with a little smirk on his face.

_(Yeah, so what you need?)_

_I need a credit card that's got no limit  
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it  
Gonna join the mile high club  
At thirty-seven thousand feet_

It was Clint's turn and he rocked the line.

_(Been there, done that)_

_I want a new tour bus full of old guitars  
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard  
Somewhere between Cher  
And James Dean is fine for me_

For the last aside I raised the mic for them all to sing along, well everyone who knew the song.

_(So how you gonna do it?)_

I held the microphone to my chest and sung quietly, almost sweetly.

_I'm gonna trade this life  
For fortune and fame  
I'd even cut my hair  
And change my name_

There was a slight pause, and then I pulled down cheap purple star-shaped sunglasses and wrapped a fluffy boa around my neck.

_'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars  
And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars_

I swung my hair around to the beat of the line, quickly rocking out to the song.

_The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap  
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat_

_And we'll hang out in the coolest bars  
In the VIP with the movie stars_

I pointed at the group in front of me with a wink and proceeded to prance around the couch. 

_Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there  
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair_

I placed my hands on Thor's head and placed my chin over top, tilting my head innocently, but with a wicked smirk that said otherwise.

_And well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar  
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar_

_I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels_

I swung my boa around, taking a risk and flipping it in Loki's face causing everyone else to laugh and Loki to sneeze feathers.

_Hire eight bodyguards that love to beat up assholes  
Sign a couple autographs  
So I can eat my meals for free_

I mimed the words and chose Steve to be the deep voice, but he only stretched his mouth and shook his head.

_(I'll have the quesadilla, ha, ha)_

_I'm gonna dress my ass with the latest fashion  
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion  
Gonna date a centerfold that loves  
To blow my money for me_

I shook my hips and offered the microphone to the whole group to ask the question.

_(So how you gonna do it?)_

_I'm gonna trade this life  
For fortune and fame  
I'd even cut my hair  
And change my name_

_'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars  
And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars  
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap  
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat_

_And we'll hang out in the coolest bars  
In the VIP with the movie stars  
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there  
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair_

_And we'll hide out in the private rooms  
With the latest dictionary of today's who's who  
They'll get you anything with that evil smile  
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial_

With each phrase, I pointed at someone who personified it best, Tony, Steve, and Loki, respectively.

_Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar  
_

_I'm gonna sing those songs that offend the censors  
Gonna pop my pills from a Pez dispenser  
Get washed-up singers writin' all my songs  
Lipsync 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong_

Through it all, I was jamming out, jumping, making up random dance moves, acting out the words of the song. As the final chorus came up, I tried to sing it sincerely, standing still at the front of the room, making eye contact with everyone in the room.

_Well, we all just wanna be big rockstars  
And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars  
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap  
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat_

After I sang the last line of the stanza I jumped up and landed feet spread apart, pointing at the group. I reached out for Natasha to join me, but she shook her head no. I playfully glared at her as I finished the song getting hyped up for the last couple of stanzas.

_And we'll hang out in the coolest bars  
In the VIP with the movie stars  
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there  
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair_

_And we'll hide out in the private rooms  
With the latest dictionary of today's who's who  
They'll get you anything with that evil smile  
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial_

I slowly took the sunglasses off of my nose and unwrapped the boa from my neck as I sang the last two lines. 

_Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar  
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar_

There was a moment of silence before everyone started to clap for me. I took what I tried to make a regal bow and was smiling like an idiot probably, but it was a lot of fun.

After the applause died down Tony spoke, "wow, I was not expecting that."

Laughing ensued as I took another bow.

"I guess I'm just full of surprises"

I looked around to see most of the team nodding in agreeance and a few were smiling with what could be described as fondness. I thought I saw Loki with a similar expression, but it was kind of hard to tell.

"Well, you got your file and you got your song, so," I looked at the time quickly, "it looks like it's time for me to clock out and go home." I turned towards the now open hallway before sticking my head back into the room. "Have fun with your karaoke, and make sure to tell me if someone shows me up." I tossed the props to Tony who was sitting on the couch and walked out without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Rockstar by Nickelback


	9. Chapter 9

Tap tap tap... Tap tap tapada tap... 

I sighed, tired of looking at my computer. I resisted the urge to slam my head on the keyboard which could ruin the work I've been looking at for the past couple of hours. It's been two weeks since I've been cleared for active field duty, yet I haven't even been considered for a mission; I was getting restless. I've been training as much as possible and I was nearing the level I was before my... injury. 

My boredom was bearable what I had some of the team check up on me, or if I had to deliver some file to the compound. Saying hi to them was usually the highlight of my day. The worst part was when they were on their own missions. Just the fact that I was cooped up in my office while they were out there made me feel even more caged. On those days I've found that more errands were handed to me, to keep me busy I guess, or I would spend even more time in the gym to get me back into action faster. 

Today I could tell was not going to be enjoyable, I woke up grumpy, and no one had come to say hi to me yet. I was having a hard time focusing on my work and the minutes were ticking by slower than ever. 

A knock came to the door and I sighed, maybe this would wake me up.

"Come in."

I turned in time to see Agent Fletcher enter my office, "Agent," he said with a nod.

"Sir," I replied seeing the files he had in his hand.

He wordlessly handed me the folder he had in his hand only for me to discover he had handed me two files.

"Two files this time..." I quickly tapped them together on my desk before looking up at Brian, "I'm assuming these are for the Avengers; I'll get these to them right away, sir."

"Actually," I could have almost sworn the corners of his mouth turned up slightly, "that top file is for you."

I looked at him and then the file puzzled, "what?" I opened the folder to see my name on the top, along with a briefing time. The papers behind had a bunch of information on a target area, only then did it really click. I raised my eyes to him with hope and questioning happiness, "really? Is, is this what I think it is?"

He gave a silent nod and I just smiled and tipped my head back against my chair, silently smiling at the ceiling. I sat up straight again, "thank you, sir."

"That other file has to go to the Avengers, so get on that," he said sternly pulling me down from my excitement.

I scrambled to my feet and snapped a salute, "yes, sir!" He exited my office leaving the door open for me to follow.

Before I left he popped his head back into my office, "Before you go," I turned back to him, "Fury needs to see you before you go through the mission."

I paused, suddenly nervous. "Me?"

He nodded and then hesitated a moment before asking, "would you like me to walk you down to his office?"

I took a deep breath, trying to see if he was being sincere. I couldn't find a reason to doubt him and decided to accept the offer with a nod.

We walked silently down the hall, stepping in time to each other, posture straight. We eventually got to his office, but I didn't go in right away. I stood at the door and took a deep breath to calm my nerves.

"Are you going to be okay in there?"

I appreciated how he seemed to understand how scary a man in power is to a woman. I turned my head slightly towards him as he stood behind me to show I acknowledged his statement. I nodded my head once and turned back towards the door. I quickly shook out my limbs releasing the tension in them.

"I'll be here waiting."

I smiled at him, "Thank you, sir."

I finally had the confidence to knock on the door, answered with a gruff, "come in!"

I respectfully entered the room and stood in front of his desk as he looked out the window behind it dramatically. 

"Did you have a hard time getting here, Agent L/n?"

I was a little surprised at the question, "no, sir. Agent Fletcher accompanied me here."

He nodded, "he's a good agent."

"Yes, sir."

He finally turned to face me and gestured to a seat as he took his own. "I trust Agent Fletcher gave you your mission assignment before escorting you to my office?"

"Indeed he did, sir."

"Did you have time to look over it?"

"Only a glance."

He placed his hands fisted together on the desk between us and leaned towards me, "that brings us to what I wanted to talk to you about. Missions are important as I'm sure you already know."

I shifted in my seat to sit a little taller as I nodded my head.

"I would like for them to not get messed up for reasons of our own."

That's what made me start to sweat. Did he think I was going to mess up this mission?

"I don't want any unnecessary tension that puts the team in danger."

I nodded quickly and looked down at my lap; I felt like I was sitting through a lecture.

"I also don't want you to be scared of the assets you will be directing."

My eyes snapped up to his.

"I'm assuming you didn't get the chance to see exactly what your role will be or who you will be working with so I will just tell you."

My brain was having a hard time processing this whole situation, so I just blinked a couple of times waiting for him to continue.

"You will be on drone surveillance, you were doing good work there."

I smiled at the compliment.

"The Avengers will be under your care, which you have already handled, but what I'm worried about is that Loki will also be working the mission."

I felt conflicting relief and slight anxiety at what Fury was saying. I would have to watch over the Avengers which I was confident in doing, but also Loki of whom had caused me so much pain and grief. Realistically I knew I would do it just fine since after everything was explained the two of us hadn't had any confrontations, but it didn't stop the little voice in my head from questioning.

This is a whole new environment. Tensions are high, it's near life and death. This could be an opportunity to really hurt him. Show him what it's like to be under the power of someone you can't touch.

I shook my head slightly to clear it, focusing on Fury once more.

He looked at me for a moment before continuing, "Will his being there inhibit your ability to function?"

I took a moment to think before asking a question of my own, "what would be your course of action if I said yes?"

The constant pauses between each of our responses weren't being nice to my blood pressure, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. This stretch of silence was particularly worrisome after the question I asked.

"The two of you wouldn't be put on the same mission until you trust him to say otherwise, if at all."

I thought it was a reasonable answer and fair to me if he truly meant it and executed it accordingly. I already knew my answer to his question, but I just thought I would see his standpoint.

I sat still with a face I hope said confidence and answered him.

"How'd it go?"

I had forgotten that Brian waited for me to come out of Fury's office. I honestly felt lighter than when I had woken up this morning, so I was able to smile at him. "It went well. Now, I better get that file to the Avengers if it's all the same to you, sir."

"Of course." 

He walked me back to my office and I left him with a smile to show I appreciated his support. I quickly picked up the Avengers' file and headed to the compound. I decided to give the file to Steve since he was probably the most responsible to get the information to the rest of the team. Jarvis lead me to the training room where I found the Captain beating a punching bag. I stood in a spot a little distance away, but still in his line of sight so he knew I was there without disturbing him. After a minute or two, he took a water break and made his way over to me.

"Mr. Rogers--"

"Steve, you make me feel old when you say that."

I raised my eyebrow about to throw a jab at him before he caught his mistake.

"I know, I know, I'm a senior citizen, but that doesn't mean I have to feel it, gosh."

I let out a quick laugh and held out the file, "well, Steve, here's the file for the team's next mission."

"Thank you, Y/n," he quickly flipped through it, "how are you doing? Still cooped up in that office of yours?"

"At the moment I'm afraid."

Steve hummed and looked up at me without tilting his head, "don't worry, you'll be out there before you know it."

I smiled and turned on my heal, "much appreciated Captain, have fun on the rest of your workout!"

"See you Y/n!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another day, another mission for the Avengers. They all had brave faces, but most had lingering feelings at the back of their heads. Clint was a bit bored and felt bad that they were going on another mission while Y/n was stuck in her office, not in the field. Natasha felt similar -- she knew how hard she had been working, only for her to still be stuck going nowhere. Steve understood how having physical ailments can hold someone back from what they really need and want to do, so he had the greatest sympathy for her. Tony knew that this mission was serious, every Hydra base taken down was an important step closer to taking the whole agency down, but he couldn't help wanting to just get it over with. He wished Y/n was there with a few witty remarks to keep him entertained. 

Thor, on the other hand, couldn't wrap his head around why it was that much of a big deal. Of course, he felt bad that she was injured and was not able to go to battle, but with such a different outlook on time, the time taken to heal seems like nothing to him. Bruce didn't understand how anyone wanted to go out on one of these missions, so while he expressed sympathy to the injury and recovery, he didn't wish she was there. The only thing on Loki's mind was that he didn't want to come, but he knew he had to or else he would be locked up some way or another because he still wasn't trusted by the Midguardians. 

With that in mind, they acknowledged the commanding Shield agents and boarded their Quinjet. These larger missions required a larger cargo capacity, so they usually split up into at least two vehicles: one for the Avengers and the others for Shield agents. The team spent most of the commute in silence or quiet chatting, living together didn't leave much to be talked about. About halfway through they received word to turn on comms for some last-minute instructions and equipment checks.

Everyone went through the checks half-heartedly mostly just going through the motions. If the agents on the other end noticed, they didn't comment. 

Brian Fletcher was the agent in charge and was handing out the orders, "all right folks, we got a drone accompanied mission today so make sure you listen to her, got anything to add Agent?"

"Yeah," a familiar voice came through the comms causing everyone in the Quinjet to perk up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't help but smirk as I leaned back in my chair, looking at Brian, "don't be stupid and don't die." 

There was a split second of silence that left Brian with a smirk that mirrored my own before I got the expected (and hoped) explosion of voices.

"Y/n?! Is that you?!"

"Welcome back!"

"Hey! There she is!"

"Yeeeeeeesssss!"

"Told ya you'd be back in it before you knew it."

"It's great to have you back, y/n"

I was smiling like a dork when one more voice came quietly into my ear, "I'm glad your recovery has been successful, Lady Y/n."

"That's a new title, thanks Loki. It's great to be back guys, and I'm serious! Don't be stupid, and don't die!"

The laughed, and I switched our comms line to a more private one where we could chat without all of the Shield agents be silent bystanders. I fiddled to get my display just right while I related the story of my assignment carefully leaving out the reason for Fury's concern for me being on this mission. The conversation mostly consisted of Clint, Tony, and me with an occasional comment from the others. The time flew by much faster than normal and suddenly we were nearing the target.

We landed and quickly got to work setting up all the equipment. I helped pull out the drones, and noticed Ike was checking them over.

"Hey Ike, are they lookin' okay?"

He looked up at me and with no emotion said, "ready for flight."

"Sweet, let's get them going then."

I did notice that after going over the manual and learning more about the mechanics was interesting as I could now mostly understand how they work. The drones were up in no time, and I linked them to the comms unit of each team leader. 

My gut twisted slightly right before I heard the heavy footsteps and the hum of machinery behind me.

"If there's a scratch on this suit at the end of the day..."

I smiled and turned around to see Tony walking towards me. The rest of the Avengers weren't that far behind.

"You'll what?"

I glanced to see the rest of them smiling at the exchange, all either experienced or heard of the incident. Loki did not, however, seem to understand what was going on and rather seemed bored, but was listening anyway. 

Tony couldn't help chuckle with a smirk, "I'll blow one of those drones of yours out of the sky."

"Not my money you're spending."

Thor, Clint, and Tony all roared with laughter and squeezed me into a hug. Natasha, Steve, and Bruce (now Hulk) all smiled in amusement in the background. Loki turned out, surprisingly, to split the difference, he stayed back, but he had a grin and a laugh at the quip against Tony.

"All right! All right! Let's get going! The longer we take the more work we've got to do!"

They all set off to their positions and I left to mine in the jet. I sat down and made sure all the feeds were online before I allowed myself to get into game mode. Watching each team advance on the Hydra base, it felt like I had never left. 

The mission played out much like the ones before it, I would notify each group of enemy snipers, patrols, or other threatening objects. That was until the Avengers, the leading group, ran into a large barricade of Hydra opposition. I, of course, warned them beforehand, but it didn't change how hard of a fight it ended up being. The Shield agent teams slowly eased themselves around and behind the Hydra agents and even had to open another front. The Avengers were split up, unfortunately, but they're strong enough to hold their own separately.

I didn't worry about the Hulk, he was taking out the large weaponry with ease. Clint got up into a tree without me noticing and was shooting down soldiers and snipers alike, I occasionally had to inform him of one or two more that had him in their sights, but other than that he had himself covered. Natasha was watching Steve's back, and he was watching hers, they were in the heat of battle and didn't have to worry about anything except in their immediate vicinity which they were already aware of. Thor and Tony were wreaking havoc from the air and with the Hulk taking out all of their large weaponry including air defenses they didn't have an important enough target on their back. 

Loki was a unique case, he was on his own, and it wasn't even close to a fair match. I couldn't even count how many men were surrounding him, all armed with advanced weaponry. They had drawn him far away from any help, not that anyone was available to give it. The drone obviously didn't give me a perfect perspective, but from what I could see, they all were nearly as tall as Loki was. Their dark and thick uniforms were nothing but menacing, masks designed to terrify. they had guns as tall as I was, evidence of what kind of damage they could do was evident in the trees surrounding the battle. The bark was scorched if it was even there at all. Some of the trees I questioned how they were even still standing as much was blown to splinters. They surrounded Loki on all sides, walls of bulk that guaranteed pain.

I almost felt bad for them.

Loki was tearing them to shreds, various weapons used. Knives lined with a green sheen that suggested magic, each stroke a death blow. Wisps of magic would extend and cause more damage, sometimes he would disappear entirely. It really was a sight to behold and I had to make sure I didn't get distracted at how graceful, deadly, and just plain cool it was.

He seemed to be taking care of himself just fine, so I was about to move on to check on everyone else when I caught something out of the corner of my eye. It was a lone sniper in a tree and his gun was aimed at Loki. He was out of range and sight from Clint from what I could tell and besides that everyone else was occupied. I was about to warn him when I hesitated. Those thoughts from before arose again. 

He hurt you so badly. He's the equivalent of a god he won't die. Give him a little taste of his own medicine. You have power over him today, don't let it go to waste.

I'm ashamed to say that I didn't feel all that guilty in thinking them. 

Being trained in firearms myself, I knew exactly what steps he was taking. He would be steadying his barrel carefully. He would adjust his support slightly, making sure the branch or stand wouldn't bounce and get in the way. I knew he was surrounded by my own men, distracted, and relatively stuck in one spot. My sights would be placed in the average area he was moving, aimed as high as his neck. His helmet could cause problems in killing him quickly, besides, a throat shot works just as well. My breathing is controlled, steady. My finger slowly switches the safety off, now I wait for just the right moment. There's no rush.

I have all the time in the world.

Time slows as fraction by fraction my finger twitches closer and closer to my fist. It moves the trigger smoothly, and with how light my trigger is, he'll be dead in less than a moment. Not even that, I just have to make sure I don't blink.

"Loki, you've got a sniper on your 5 o'clock. Southeast."

I watch as a green shield appears behind him, not even a fraction of a second after I see the muzzle flash from the sniper. I small ripple or spark appears on his shield right as I predicted, just below his helmet. I saw his arm swing around through his shield and then he continued fighting the band around him, though they were beginning to dwindle. The sniper I kept my eye on for him eased forward on his gun, eventually falling limp from the tree. How exactly he died I didn't know.

"Thank you, my dear"

"Of course Your Highness."

I went along watching out for the rest of the teams, occasionally picking up on something they missed, but I was really thinking about my actions.

That's when I came to the conclusion that I had forgiven him.


	10. Chapter 10

I would have thought that going on that mission, which went remarkably well, by the way, would have rejuvenated me for weeks. It did, for a while, but then I felt like I was hooked on adrenaline. I wanted to go on more and more missions. I asked for as many as I could handle, and then maybe a few more. I kept getting stronger and stronger in both training and out in the field. Some of the missions I was manning the drones, others, with my team watching their backs while by their side.

And I was loving every minute of it.

That is until my high fell, like a rock. I guess in all the heightened excitement my brain couldn't tell when my body was saying stop. 

I got sick.

It wasn't just sniffles and sneezes though. My head was spinning, it took longer than it should to focus on something, and it was honestly a miracle that I even made it to work in the first place.

Speaking of which... When did I get here? And how?

I only frowned a moment when I tried to recall. I shook my head and tried once more to focus on my computer screen, wrapping my blanket tighter around me. Before I knew it it was a full hour later and I hadn't scrolled at all. When I got to the bottom of the page I suddenly realized that I couldn't recall a word I had read and had to return to the beginning. By about the fifth time I figured I had understood enough of the passage to scroll to the next page. I took a moment to blow my nose and open up a cough drop before attempting to continue reading.

After another couple of hours, my body had become stiff and creaky. I groaned when I unfolded my legs from my criss-cross position on my chair. I attempted to stand, once, twice, thrice. I finally rocked one last time and used my desk to stand. My eyes rolled back at the aching in my body and a shiver wracked me when my blanket slipped from my shoulders. I would like to say I reached for it quickly, but I probably looked like an old woman. 

When I had eventually secured my blanket around my body I decided it was time to walk around to stretch my legs. I tried to avoid as many people as possible; nobody wanted to see a sick person, nor did I want anybody to get sick because of me.

I got tired quicker than I expected and soon headed back to my office to stare at my computer. 

_This sucks._

I sniffled all the way down the hallway and attempted to blow my nose when I got there but to no avail. 

I really wanted to cry.

Instead, I thought it would be a good idea if I just sucked on my water bottle like a toddler. It made me feel better.

A knock came to my door a moment before it opened. I was sitting criss-cross-apple sauce in my office chair, wrapped up in a blanket, sucking on a water bottle pathetically, and jerking my body awkwardly to turn around and face the newcomer.

"Y/n, you look like death."

"That's cuz I feel like death Agent Fletcher!" I angrily continued sucking on my water bottle, glaring at Brian.

He pressed his lips together and gave me a look that I couldn't tell if it was disappointment or concern, "You should go home."

"No! I hate being behind!"

He blinked at me and then left my door open.

"Hey! You could at least close the door!" I scootched my chair over to the door and closed it, then jerked my body around to twist the chair back towards my desk. I got about half-way there when my door opened once more.

I scowled and wiggled to see who it was this time.

"How are you feeling?" Clint folded his arms over his chest and stru.2ggled not to smile.

"I'd feel a lot better if I could get to work! How does it look like I'm feeling?!" I readjusted my blanket around my shoulders and sniffed aggressively.

He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, "Okay, come on. I'm taking you home."

I hissed at him, "No! I already missed two days! I've gotta get ahead!" I frantically gripped at my desk, struggling against Clint as he grabbed my chair.

"You've got to rest, Y/n!" He grunted with effort, but I wasn't letting go easily.

"AAaaaahHHH"

He then gave up tugging on me but I didn't let up my grip; I still latched on, anxious and ready for the next attempt. Instead of grabbing my chair or even my hands, Clint did something truly diabolical.

He stole my blanket.

"Cliiiiiiiinnnnntttt, give me my blankie back," I whined at him, still not trusting myself to let go of my desk, I reached one hand at him desperate to calm my now shivering body with my stolen blanket.

His face seemed to break slightly at my pathetic attempt, but he stayed firm in holding it, "No, Y/n, you've got to go home and rest. Feel better and then you can come back to work. Okay?"

I deflated, the exhaustion only just setting in, I looked back at Clint who relaxed slightly. My eyes drooped heavily as I whispered, "Okay..."

I stood up slowly, pausing when I became light-headed. I packed up my stuff and traded it for my blanket to Clint. We walked down to the parking lot where Clint started to lead me to a black car.

"But my car, Clint..."

"Yeah, you're in no condition to drive, and I wouldn't have a ride if I drove your car. Besides, it's a company car, it'll be safe in its company's parking garage."

I huffed and got into the passenger seat. The smooth leather was warm when I slid onto it. I cinched the seatbelt nice and tight, securing me to the seat and my blanket around me. I turned to seat heater on and soon I found myself drifting to sleep curled up in the warm car. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Y/n," Clint looked over to her beside him after she had been quiet for a couple of minutes. He saw she was comfortably curled up and sleeping peacefully and he couldn't bring himself to wake her. She needed the rest, desperately. 

He sighed, "I don't know where you live."

He sat at the light trying to make a decision on what to do. He only made it right as the light turned green. He drove to the next best place where he knew you would feel comfortable. The car pulled up to the front of the compound, careful to not jerk to a stop. 

Clint walked around to the passenger side and opened the door as quietly as possible. He was contemplating on how to get her into the building when she sniffed extra grossly.

"Nope, nope, can't do it. Sorry Y/n, but I really don't want to get sick." He closed the door softly and locked the door. Clint walked into the lobby and called on the AI, "Hey Jarvis."

"Yes, sir?"

"You mind getting Thor's attention?"

"Of course sir."

Clint tapped his foot waiting for a response, "Too bad Steve's out on a mission. I don't think he would get sick."

"Thor is currently in the middle of watching a romantic comedy and asked to not be disturbed."

Clint groaned, "wh- you know what? I'm not going to ask." He tapped his foot a minute longer before speaking again.

"Jarvis, tell Loki that I need his help down here."

"Right away, sir."

Clint waited impatiently for Loki to come down after Jarvis informed him that he was on his way. Finally, Loki came from the elevator, leisurely strolling towards Clint.

"The voice informed me you need help?"

"You don't get sick right?"

Loki paused and tilted his head slightly, "Not by your infirmities, no."

"Good, I didn't care anyway--"

Loki rolled his eyes and halfway thought about just leaving to go back to his room.

"Y/n's in the car asleep, sick as a dog," Clint pointed to the car on the other side of the glass doors and then at himself, " _I_ have no need to get sick."

Loki looked intrigued, but still not convinced, "Why don't you just wake her up?"

"She really needs her rest," his attention was fixed on the little bit of her he could see over the car window, "I couldn't get myself to."

Loki rolled his eyes, "Fine."

"Thanks, now why don't you bring her to--"

"I'll wake her up." Loki started for the car.

"NO!" Clint quickly grabbed his arm to stop him. "She needs all the sleep she can get and she'll probably throw a fit being here instead of at work or at home!"

"All the more reason to wake her up so you can take her home."

Clint scowled and decided to bring out the big guns, "That really won't help her, do you want another round of what happened the last time you didn't help her? I'll go get Nat right now."

Loki stiffened remembering the pure fear of being under the wrath of both Clint and Natasha. He twisted his neck and glared at him, but Clint didn't break. "Fine! Fine. I will take her to..." He gestured for Clint to continue his thought.

He hesitated for a moment before he remembered his thought, "Oh! I'm not sure if there are any bedrooms set up, or where they are, so just take her to the common room couch for now."

They walked out together to the car door. Clint unlocked it and carefully opened the door for Loki. Clint gave home one last glare in warning before Loki stuck his head in to unbuckle the seat belt.

Y/n shifted in her sleep and both men froze until she stilled herself. Loki half thought about throwing her over his shoulder just to spite Clint, but seeing her pathetic little sniffles as she slept caused him to not follow through. He carefully hooked one arm under her knees and then the other under her back where there was enough space to wedge into.

Clint guided them out making sure nothing caught on the way out. He closed and locked the car and walked in front of Loki to open the doors.

Not long after being removed from the hot car Y/n began shivering. Loki looked down at her with concern and adjusted the blanket as much as he was able. When the shivering didn't cease, he hugged her a little tighter to his chest hoping to provide her a little warmth. While she didn't stop completely, she wasn't vibrating as violently as before.

When the three of them reached the common room Loki placed y/n on the couch with the most sun shining on it. Clint ran around gathering supplies: tissues, cough drops, lots of pills, a fluffy pillow that he was never going to use again after today, and he even refilled her water bottle.

Loki wasn't exactly sure what to do when mortals got sick, but he didn't think the constant shivering was a good thing in any race of beings. He casually strolled over to the closet and grabbed a couple of extra blankets to place over her. She quickly latched on to them and curled a bit more into herself like she was conserving heat.

"Clint, I think she is still too cold."

Clint popped his head back into the room from the kitchen to see for himself, "Hmmm, yeah I think you're right. I think Natasha has some rice bags or a hot water bottle or somethin' Y/n could use." He scratched behind his hearing aid thinking of where to find them, "I'll go look around, try and find them."

Loki watched him go and then sat on one of the other couches to read.

Eventually, Clint came back with a couple of rice bags in his arms. He walked to the kitchen and started warming them up in the microwave.

"Oh! Hot! Hot!" He hissed as he played hot potato with the rice packs coming back from the kitchen. He placed one by her feet, one on the small of her back, and the last one in her arms for her to hug to her chest. 

Y/n took no time to curl around it and let out a little puff of contentment. 

Clint sighed softly, "I'm going to go tell Nat that she's here, I have to go back to Shield to finish up some stuff." Clint turned to Loki who was barely paying attention to him. "I trust -- no, you'll watch her for a few minutes in between me and her being here."

Loki hummed, disinterested, as he slowly turned his page.

Clint took that as a yes and walked down the hallway asking Jarvis where Natasha was in the building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up feeling better sickness wise, but still so tired. I tried to move only to find I was effectively incapacitated by a tangle of blankets. It took me a couple of minutes to free myself, all the while trying to remember when I grabbed this many blankets. I sat up on the couch, why am I on a couch? I glared at the ground trying to recall the last place I remember being. I knew the rice pack I was hugging to my chest despite it not being hot anymore wasn't mine, but that didn't give me much clue. My surroundings seemed familiar, it obviously wasn't my apartment, but my brain was so blurry I couldn't think straight. I rubbed my eyes and shook my head trying to clear it with a slight grunt.

"Ah, you're awake."

My head snapped up to see Loki on another couch, not looking at me from his book. How I didn't notice him before is a mystery. I blinked at him, making sure I was really awake and not having cough syrup overdose hallucinations. When he didn't move or waver I answered gravelly, "Uh, yeah... Is this the compound?"

"Indeed."

"Uh, Your Highness? How did I get here?" I took a sip from my water bottle which soothed my throat. 

"Do you not remember?"

"I wouldn't be asking if I did."

Natasha entered the room in a t-shirt and joggers, "You're feeling well enough to sass it sounds like."

I huffed, "Yeah, I guess so."

She sat the closest she could without being on the couch with my pile of tangled blankets, "To answer your question, Clint was charged with taking you home early from work but you fell asleep on the way. He was a softy and didn't wake you up for your address so he just took you here."

I nodded, it starting to come back to me, "That's right..." I looked at my bag with all my stuff, "Well, tell him thanks, but I feel well enough to drive now. If you could give me a ride to Shield so I can pick up my car..." I trailed off for two reasons, one: the question was obvious, and two: Natasha was looking at me with a 'really?' look. 

"It's late, you're not going anywhere." 

I opened my mouth to protest but she continued.

"Besides, Tony, Steve, and Clint will be back in a bit," Nat checked the time, "And I'm gonna drag Bruce out of the lab about the same time. An hour." She smiled at me kindly, "You still need to rest to get over your bug, so you're gonna stay over here for at least tonight to get the best care."

I smiled but immediately saw a problem, "That's kind of you, but I don't have my clothes for tonight or tomorrow."

She wordlessly grabbed a bag from the side of the couch I couldn't see previously. I recognized it as a bag I used regularly, usually hung by my front door. She tossed it onto my lap. Opening it up I found two sets of clothes and a pair of pajamas. 

All of them were mine. 

I looked at her puzzled, "How-?"

She responded with nothing, only staring me right in the eyes. 

I decided not to ask.

I guess it was settled. I was going to stay here for the night. 

Oh boy.


	11. Chapter 11

Clint walked in a little while later. "Oh hey, Y/n, I see you're awake. Sorry for not taking you home, do you want me to drive you now?"

I opened my mouth to respond, but Nat cut in.

"She's gonna stay here tonight," she smiled innocently, but her eyes said otherwise. I felt bad for Clint.

He halted, surprised, but he didn't challenge her. "Okay," he faked a laugh, "I didn't take you as a mother hen, Tasha."

She didn't look up as she picked up a file and worked on her nails, "Well the rest of you are stupid."

He leaned over the back of the couch she was sitting in, smiling cheekily, "All the more reason to take care of us!"

She pushed his face away causing him to stumble to not fall. I smiled at their friendship, I've always wanted to have a friend that I could do stuff like that with. That's what I wished the friendship with the Avengers would turn into, but I didn't dare wish for. I'm sorry to say nothing else has worked out before.

I reached for the bag Natasha packed for me, "Would you guys mind if I caught a shower and changed into my pj's?" I sat on the edge of the couch ready to stand, but not going to until they said yes.

"Oh, trust me, we're all going to be in our own pajamas sooner rather than later, so go for it."

"Do as you wish," I had almost forgotten he was in the room with him not saying much, only reading his book.

Nat stood, "You can use the shower in my room."

Clint gasped, "You never let _me_ into your room! I'm being replaced! Y/n! I _trusted_ you!" His look of utter betrayal made me feel bad for wanting to laugh.

Nat just rolled her eyes, "Cuz you have your own room, Clint. And honestly, like that's stopped you before."

"What do you mean, you would kill me if I went into your room."

She smirked wickedly, "Exactly, _that's_ what's stopping you."

She led me down the hall to her room and pointed me to where the bathroom was. She left me be to have some me-time. 

I yelped at the hot water hitting my legs. I quickly turned it down for the time being. The shower at my apartment was warm, but I haven't had a truly hot shower there. I used Nat's shampoo and massaged it slowly into my scalp. I took my time on everything. The steam opened my sinuses and pores as well as loosening the muscles in my whole body. I scrubbed every inch of my skin getting all of the dead cells off. I made sure I didn't miss a single hair on my legs, rubbing my calves together to make sure they felt smooth. Throughout my spiritual experience, I increased the temperature one little bit at a time. I was nearly beet red by the time I shut the water off. I hadn't felt that refreshed in days. 

I changed into my soft pajamas and set off back to the common room. On the way there I heard sad music and soft sobbing coming from one of the rooms. I slowed my pace and stood in front of the door for a moment before knocking softly. There was no answer, so I started to turn the knob. 

My gut twisted for a moment alerting me someone was there. 

"I wouldn't recommend going in there, Lady Y/n." I looked at Loki who rolled his eyes, "He's a mess, honestly."

I smiled with raised eyebrows and stuck my head in anyway. 

Thor was sitting on a couch surrounded by popcorn and chocolate wrappers. There were tears rolling down his face, and grossly sniffing snot back up into his nose. My eyes were drawn to the bag of individually wrapped chocolates lying on the couch next to him. The light from the hallway behind me was shadowed.

"Oh dear, he's even worse."

I didn't respond, only opened the door a little bit wider and took a step in.

Loki groaned, "Oh, are you going to go in there and comfort him? You're worse than I thought."

I snapped around and held a finger to my lips to shush him. I must have looked angry enough because he raised his hands in surrender. I shrunk down to my knees to crawl towards the couch. I looked up to see what was playing on the TV only to find Liam Hemsworth in a towel. My head snapped down to the floor again.

I hate romcoms. 

I could feel the second-hand embarrassment creeping up my neck and I wasn't even watching the movie. I quickened my pace while still being as quiet as possible. I peeked my head above the arm of the couch seeing if Thor would notice me. Fortunately, he was too engrossed in the movie and stuffing his face with popcorn to catch me. I looked back to the door to see Loki raise an eyebrow at me.

I shrugged at him before carefully reaching over the couch to the bag of chocolates. The hole was big enough for Thor to easily stick his hand in, so I didn't even touch the edges of the bag when I stuck my hand in. I grabbed a handful and began to pull back. The sudden movement of Thor sneezing caused me to jump. I froze. He stuffed another handful of popcorn in his face and sobbed once more. He let out a wet laugh when I assumed a joke was made, but my heart was thumping so hard in my ears that I couldn't hear what it was.

I finished pulling my hand from the bag and sat with my back to the couch, catching my breath. Loki was trembling in the doorway in what I assumed was laughter. Seeing him laugh almost made me laugh and I struggled to keep quiet. 

I made sure Thor wasn't looking my way before preparing myself. This was probably not a good idea.

I'm gonna do it anyway. 

I tucked my hand with the chocolates into my chest and rocked back and forth a couple of times before performing (what I think was) a perfect somersault. I was only a couple of steps from the door so I waddled towards it without standing up. Loki moved out of the way as I dove through it and then Loki closed the door behind me.

I clutched the treasure to my chest as I lied on the hallway floor. I was breathing heavily when I burst out laughing. 

Loki joined me, chuckling, "I was not expecting that."

I mockingly gasped, "What?" I rolled onto my knees and bowed before him, "The mightly deity that is always five steps ahead didn't plan for this?!" I held a hand to my heart, "Whatever shall you do, Your Highness?!"

He blinked slowly at me, not amused.

"Hehehe..." I stood up a little sheepishly, this bug was messing with my head more than I thought. I grabbed one of the chocolates from my hand and held it out to him, "One for not blowing my cover, Your Highness."

He took it, "Only one?"

"With that attitude, _sir_ ," I looked at him pointedly, "you're not getting any." I went to snatch it back but he lifted his hand out of reach.

"No, no, thank you, Y/n." He started to unwrap it slowly, "You know, no one talks this casually to me while still addressing me with a high title."

Uh oh, I miss stepped. I went past my bounds, and now he's politely asking me to be more respectful before he scares me into it. 

I let my smile fall to a neutral expression. I straightened my spine and grabbed my bag of clothes. We walked down the hall side by side, "My apologies, Your Highness."

He sighed and gently touched my elbow signaling me to stop. I turned ninety degrees on my heal to face him. "Don't do all that on me now." He paused, scrunching his lips to the side like he was trying to decide if he really wanted to say something. "You..." He took a deep breath, "you don't have to call me that anymore." He looked me in the eye and flashed me a blinding smile, "Call me Loki."

I slowly smiled at him, "Okay." I handed him one more chocolate, almost like a bribe, "One more for you, Loki."

His eyes lit up as he took the foil off the small treat and popped it into his mouth. We continued down the hallway, not conversing much. I had my face stuffed with chocolate when we arrived in the common room. It seemed that everyone had arrived when I was either in the shower or on my impromptu mission.

"Uh hey, Y/n, what's all the chocolate for? Where'd you get it?" Nat tilted her head with a slight smirk that told me she probably knew exactly where it came from but decided to tease me anyway.

I could imagine myself looking like a deer in headlights, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's so complicated, Jarvis play Bad Medicine."

_Your love is like bad medicine  
Bad medicine is what I need, whoa  
Shake it up just like bad medicine  
There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease_ _  
_

_Bad medicine_

Tony laughed before singing along. Clint and Natasha also joined in with me once I tossed my bag onto my tangled couch. Steve and Loki didn't know the song but smiled watching the rest of us make fools out of ourselves. Bruce, I saw muttering the words but sat at the island in the kitchen with a glass of water. 

We all know where Thor was.

My fun was cut short when the steam of the shower wore off and my nose stuffed up so I couldn't breathe anymore. I tried for the life of me to continue singing with them, but I ran out of breath too quickly. By the time I got back from blowing my nose, the song was over and I finally had the chance to notice that everyone was in their pajamas. 

I nestled into my couch admiring them all in sweatpants and either t-shirts or tank tops. We went through all the formalities: how are you feeling, how did the mission do, anything exciting happen, etc, etc. 

After all of that was out of the way I couldn't help it any longer, "So, what's up with Thor?"

Tony spoke up first, "Oh nothing that I know about. He just gets like that when he watches romcoms." He paused thinking it over, "That _was_ what he was doing right?"

I nodded and everyone else voiced their affirmative to what Tony said. 

My energy drained faster than I had hoped. I found myself yawning more and more. 

"Oh, it looks like the sicko's gettin' tired."

It didn't register who was talking, but I sloppily nodded.

"Uh, is anyone open to just laying on top of me?" I stretched.

They all looked at me puzzled, "What?"

"I need some pressure on my body, or if you have like three weighted blankets to lay on top of me." I pressed a hand hard against my chest for emphasis, "Not necessary, but it does help me fall asleep." After a pause, I regretted my question, "Nevermind, I'm probably tired enough to just crash when I get on this couch." I started to stand when my hand was grabbed by Tony.

"Nah, we'll make a big pile together like cats." He began pointing at people as he talked, "Steve, Loki, and Natasha can be closer to your face cuz they won't get sick. Don't look at me like that Romanoff, we all know you aren't 100% biologically normal. Anyway, the rest of us will be tangled up somewhere in a giant pile to sleep. Bruce," Tony looked up at Bruce in a chair while he was on the floor, "you want to tap out?"

Bruce nodded thankfully, "Yeah, I'm gonna go hit the hay."

Tony's plan was put into action, with some protests from Steve and Loki, but eventually, everyone was tangled together, their weight making it a little difficult to breathe in the best way. Nat took it upon herself to be closest to my breathing to make the guys more comfortable. I wasn't quite sure how everyone was situated other than I was laying on someone's legs, arms were everywhere, and I couldn't find anyone's heads.

Needless to say, I woke up a bit sore in the morning, but I hadn't slept better for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi


	12. Chapter 12

I always had hope that it would be more fun than the last time.

News flash: it wasn't.

Tony dragged me with them to the club. They said I needed to loosen up, and they needed a break. I agreed, but I already knew I wasn't going to be drinking. I've always been the self-proclaimed designated driver. Alcohol never appealed to me and I couldn't stand someone driving when they weren't supposed to. 

We arrived together in one of Tony's cars and while we walked to the door, the boys surrounded me and Natasha. It was kinda fun feeling like I had my own security team. I could barely see through the wall of broad shoulders and biceps since that's about where my line of sight ended. 

The bouncer made sure to check everyone's IDs... Except for Tony. He was upset, to say the least. 

"Hey, Loki. Do you even have an ID?" The thought had only just occurred to me.

He raised a card at me, "Whoever said it had to be legal?" Right before my eyes, it fizzled out, disappearing in a flash of green.

I smirked, of course, he would pull something like that. 

As we entered the club, the music was blaring, lights flashing, and the smell of sweat and alcohol was thick in the air. The room was packed, and before I knew it, my group was separated and out of sight. 

I just wandered around for a bit, occasionally dancing when a song I knew came on the loud speakers. I was glad that I had worn pants instead of a dress. With so many people, it was easy to get uncomfortable, even more so with more skin showing like in a dress. 

_What would you do to seduce and murder that man across the room?_

I had to freeze for a moment. The man in question I had never seen before, he had a man-bun on top with shaved sides and back. He was alone, drink in his hand. I noticed the worn denim jacket and started a plan to get close, maybe take him home, and then leave him dead in an ally way en route.

I quickly shook my head, _Noxy, don't be like that._

Of course, she didn't answer, because she's me. Call me crazy for naming the intrusive voice in my head. I call myself that multiple times a day, but it helps me sort it all out. 

I must have been tired because she kept at it. I got bumped so many times, I was sure I would wake up with bruises. I finally got fed up and Noxy spoke up.

_Nobody would bump into you if you took a machine-gun to the whole joint._

I sighed. I took a moment to calm myself, drowning out the noise and the dark voice in my head. As I opened my eyes again I felt my gut twist noticeably. 

Someone was staring.

Which honestly I shouldn't be surprised, who wouldn't stare at these hot curves? I decided to see who it was, turning slowly. My eyes locked with an average looking man across the room. He seemed familiar, but I couldn't place where. He smiled and waved at me with a look that said he knew me. I cautiously waved back, praying there wasn't someone behind me. He started to weave between people expertly towards me. I took a couple of steps towards him through the crowd but didn't make too much of an effort. When he got closer it finally clicked where I knew him from; I didn't fully recognize him with glasses on.

"It's Henry, right?" I asked once he was in front of me.

"Yeah, Henry Arnold." He paused and smiled, then decided to expound on it, "We met at the coffee shop, with Laime."

I smiled awkwardly, "Uh, yeah, I remember."

"That was interesting how not very many moments after I saw you in the crowd you just automatically saw me too. It was... It was like..."

"A sixth sense?"

He laughed, "Yeah I guess you could call it that."

"My friends say that too. Eyes in the back of my head I guess!"

I couldn't help but notice he smiled like he knew something I didn't which made me a little uneasy.

He continued the conversation, "So, still in the automotive department in the patent office? Or did they transfer you over to Laime's department."

I chuckled that he remembered, "Uh, no. I'm still at my old job. They figured I was the most help there. Thank you for asking."

"Well, that's good," he swirled the drink in his hand, "oh! I should get you a drink, what do you want?"

I quickly waved my hands, "No, no, no. I- I'm okay. Thank you though."

He tilted his head slightly and twisted to face me again, "Okay..."

_What if you had a drink and someone spiked it with roofies or something._

Noxy, that's why I'm not getting one from him and why I'll be careful if I do get one.

"Well, I had better go and find my friends," I turned away from him toward the bar, "It was nice to see you."

"You too, Y/n. You look like a queen by the way."

If only I knew.

I turned to flash a smile at him before carrying on my course.

I fought through the crowd to the calmer area closer to the bar. I looked around to find Natasha and Clint signing at each other at the bar. I approached to see Clint didn't have his hearing aids in. I didn't blame him since it was so loud it wasn't worth the headache if you couldn't hear what people were saying anyway. 

"Oh hey, Y/n, we got separated. Are you having fun?" Natasha offered me a seat at the bar next to her.

I took the seat, "Uh, not as much as I would have hoped, but I'm not having a horrible time." I had made sure Clint could see my lips so he could be part of the conversation.

They both nodded, "That's how it is, especially with Tony."

Clint started to sign, looking at me, but I didn't catch on quick enough to understand. He stopped and signed slower for me to read, [Drink?]

I fumbled with my hands, but I was learning. [no dd]

Clint rolled his eyes teasingly at me. I could nearly hear him saying, 'you're no fun.'

Natasha took a swig of her liquor as Clint gulped his beer. It was fun to see them act so similarly. They were so in sync on and off the field. 

"You should stay hydrated though. It's hot in here" Nat nodded at the bartender. "Get something non-alcoholic, water, a virgin something, coke. He probably has everything back there."

I thought it over for a minute, "Maybe a bit later."

We chatted for a couple more minutes before Tony sauntered over to us, he looked a little tipsy, but you could only tell if you knew him. He had way too much experience in hiding it.

"So we finally got everyone gathered up in a booth if you want to chat, have some fun." He pointed toward a corner booth with the rest of the team chatting together, drinks in their hands. 

This might be trouble getting them home.

"Yeah sure" Nat and Clint stood up.

"Just a sec, I'm gonna grab something to drink before I head over." They nodded and walked with Tony to the group.

I waved the barman over, "Hey do you have any ginger ale back there?"

He nodded, "You want a mixed drink with it?"

"No, no alcohol," he nodded and walked to where he had it stored, "put it in one of your fancy glasses would ya?"

He smiled and nodded again.

I watched him like a hawk. He opened the can and poured it into a glass, grabbing an umbrella and popping it in as well. I didn't notice any sleight of hand which I was hoping I was as good at noticing as I thought. Every girl has heard too many horror stories.

I took it with a thank you and a smile and headed towards my friends. I kept one eye on my soda and the other on where I was going. I finally fought my way through the crowd without spilling my glass. I slid into the booth squeezing into the end next to Nat.

"Okay Y/n, you're the last one here, you have to ask the first question." Tony leaned around the others to see me.

I blinked at him, "What?"

"You know, like get-to-know-you questions. What's your favorite carpet or something."

Everyone laughed at the bizarre example.

I thought for a moment, "Okay, okay... Uh... I guess if you could have any superpower other than your own, what would it be?"

"OOoooohh that's a good one."

"I have to actually think for this one..."

"I actually, already know what I would want," Bruce swirled his water hesitantly.

"Do tell."

"Immutability."

There was a moment where everyone wrapped their tipsy heads around it before they all commented nice things.

"That's cool!"

"Interesting choice."

"Never would have thought about that."

Tony took a big gulp of his drink and slammed his glass onto the table, "Okay, I'll go next. If I had to have another superpower, I would be invulnerable. BECAUSE!" He said to not allow anyone to interrupt him. "While my mind is nothing short of spectacular, it is not considered a superpower, SO I can still blow shit up in my suit while not being banged around getting migraines every day."

Clint spoke up first, well tapped his fingers on the table purposefully and signed, [That was way too thought out.]

Tony just shrugged, tapped his temple and waved a waitress over to get a refill.

Nat nudged him, "Well I think that means you're next. What would you do arrow boy?"

[Easy, invisibility. Don't see anyone? Good! Arrow there! Arrow there! Dead everywhere! Perfect assassin...] 

Natasha was translating mostly for me as he got excited and signed extra fast. She also quipped, "No, you just want it so you can steal food whenever you want."

Clint's hands twitched for a response, but couldn't find one except for a sheepish smile. After a couple of elbows to the ribs, he pointed at Nat for her to answer. I guess I don't know much about deaf people, but it seemed like if he was drunk he relied more on signing than talking, especially without his hearing aids even though I knew he could talk just fine. I don't know how I would deal without being able to hear my friends' voices, or listen to my music. I know hearing aids help and all the tech is improving, but it's such a big part of my life, it would scare me. Clint honestly just amazes me, I'm so glad I got to befriend him.

Nat rolled her eyes at his insistence, "I always thought night vision was cool." She signed as she was talking and I tried to use it as practice.

Everyone nodded their heads, seeing the usefulness of that power. 

Nat looked around the circle, trying to decide who would go next, "Steve, you go."

He nervously twisted a strange-looking jug that matched Thor's and Loki's, "I haven't really thought about it..."

Tony spoke up, "I call bull Steve."

Clint mirrored the statement with his hands.

"Come on Steve! What would you desire to have?" Thor reached over Bruce and Loki to punch Steve's shoulder. 

"Fine, Fine! I would take telekinesis? That's that thing where you move stuff with your mind right?"

I confirmed his question was right. 

"Loki next!"

He rolled his eyes, " _I..._ " He looked at everyone with a look that said he didn't understand why we were doing this, "with much the same reasoning as Stark, would have omniscience because if I knew everything, I would also know how to use my magic with the added benefit of everything else." He smiled with a spark in his eyes that told everyone to beware if he got that superpower. 

[That would suck if you had omnish-- omni-- that.] Everyone chuckled at Clint's struggle to spell the word. He even watched Nat sign it for him since it was a difficult word to lip read.

"Thor's next!"

He leaned back and rested his arms along the top of the booth behind Tony on one side, Bruce and Loki on the other side, he looked relaxed. "I always thought being able to fly and controlling the weather would be fun," he started nonchalantly, but by the end of his answer, he had a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Oh, come on!"

"Thor, that's lame!"

There were a couple of groans that accompanied it. 

He didn't give any other answers, so everyone looked around the table. I took a sip of my ginger ale, finding pleasure in swirling my tiny umbrella.

"We haven't heard from you, Y/n."

I looked up to see raised eyebrows and I felt my face heat up a little. I looked back down at my little tropical umbrella before answering, "Well, I read once about this concept... The ability to manipulate probability."

Most looked puzzled, while Tony was squinting his eyes in thought, so I hurried to elaborate, getting a little more confident since it was such a cool concept, "well, what's the probability of that chair over there," I pointed at an empty table and chairs, "getting up and walking out of here of its own free will?"

They looked even more puzzled.

"Next to zero. Bam," I waved my finger at it, "one hundred percent. What's the chance of me becoming a gorgeous mermaid right now?"

"Zero."

I squinted at Tony, "I don't know if I should be offended right now..." 

He shrunk back with a sheepish smile.

"Anyway, bam! One hundred percent." I looked around the group, them starting to catch on. "What's the chance of Loki falling in love with a low life mortal? Next to zero. Bam! Eighty-five percent."

"Why not one hundred?"

I let out an amused huff at what I was about to say, "well, for one, I think he would be too stubborn for me to do that."

They roared with laughter, Loki did not look amused.

"And for two, that would be really cruel..." I paused getting my thoughts together, "What if those Odinsleep things happen more often than not? Weeks after the wedding, he feels one coming on, takes a long nap, and when he wakes? He has a child running around the house, the next time, the kid is graduating college. Next thing Loki knows, grandkids are knocking on his door. He goes to sleep next to his finely aged spouse, and when he wakes the next morning, the bed is empty, so he assumes they're running errands since he woke up late. They don't come home and he's informed they've been buried three miles away for a while..." I looked at the now solemn faces, "that would hurt..."

I smiled, "besides, I would make him fall in love with some bookish warrior from one of the other eight realms or whatever." I bobbed my head side to side as I said, "someone to keep him on his toes."

Clint tapped me to look at him, [someone like you?]

I waved my hand at him before attempting to sign while talking, "No, what'd I say? It's cruel."

Nat nudged me, "I didn't hear any other complaints!"

I shrugged easily, "Well yeah, I mean, he's a decent guy, he hasn't tried to kill me yet..." I deadpanned, "Oh wait."

"OOOOOHHHHH"

"That's a burn!!"

Someone was hissing like a sizzling pan, it was fun. I made sure to smile teasingly at Loki to make sure he knew I meant no hard feelings.

He gave me a nod that said, "That's fair."

We continued to ask questions to each other, some weird stuff like what's your favorite semi-aquatic plant?

Or Bruce went basic with favorite colors.

I kept drinking ginger ale and everyone else, except Loki, got slowly more drunk as the night went on. Bruce didn't have much, but he's a lightweight, sipped water throughout the night and was still pretty wasted. Natasha seemed fine, but the way her eyes darted around and she started talking cryptically told me she was under the influence more than she would admit. 

"Uh, Loki?" 

He looked at me.

"I thought Thor and Steve couldn't get drunk? And why are you not if they are?"

He raised his jug-like thing, "Asgardian mead and ale, I'm being careful. Hate for you to haul them all back by yourself."

I raised an eyebrow, "Or are you just saving yourself the hangover?"

He chuckled, "I don't get hangovers, but yes my motives are more selfish."

I shook my head dismissively, not really caring as long as he would help. "Alright, I think it's time to go." I looked at the time and sighed, "I'm glad I don't have work this morning."

Loki grabbed Steve, Thor, and Tony while I rounded up Bruce, Clint, and Natasha. 

"Okay, Bruce? I'm going to have you grab onto my belt loop right here okay?" I hooked his fingers into the loop on my hip, making sure he didn't get separated from us. I had to keep my focus on Nat and Clint so they didn't wander off. I held their hands and made sure there was an occasional tug on my pants so I had all three of them. Clint kept trying to talk with Natasha and rip his hand from mine, but I wouldn't have it until they were all sitting in the back seats of the car. 

"I'm fine, I'm not drunk." Tony was waving Loki away once he got outside next to the car.

I sighed and walked over, knowing full well that he was drunk. "Thanks, Loki, I've got him."

Loke went to stick Thor and Steve into the van and left me with Tony.

"Okay Tony, where are the keys?"

"I'm driving"

"Fine," I decided to pull a foolproof trick on him. He still had a glass in his hand, this is essential, "Up high Tony." He willingly gave me a high five. "Okay, you hit it right on, so go drive us home."

He nodded seemingly sound logic. He pulled out the keys from his pocket.

"Tony, you've got to do the down low."

He fell for it, swinging his hand down to give me a low five, but I swiped the keys from his hand. 

"Too slow, go get into the back."

"Hey!"

I ushered him towards Loki before he could try and take the keys back. I got into the driver's seat sighing when it was nearly a brawl in the back, Steve and Bruce half asleep, almost crying. Loki got into the passenger seat next to me, looking equally as tired.

"Let's get these guys home Your Highness."

He leaned back against the headrest, eyes closed as I put the van in gear. "It's Loki."

"'ight"

We got to the compound and guided the ones semi-conscious to the common room. The rest we hauled up, leaving the car in the driveway. I made sure they had a glass of water before they passed out, the ones I could get to take it anyway. I made sure they were mostly comfortable but didn't put a bunch of effort into it.

"I'm going to bed Loki, see you in the afternoon."

He chuckled as he set off for his own room, "Good night Y/n."

I headed to the guest bedroom they set aside for me when I spent the night. I had it stocked with a pair of old pajamas and three or four spare changes of clothes. They were pretty grungy since I wouldn't miss them, and I could just go back to my apartment to change if I needed the next morning. 

As soon as I changed into the soft with age PJs I collapsed onto the bed, glad the night didn't end up as a worst-case scenario.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay a little bit of a warning: There's a bit of violence and blood here, but nothing too graphic.

Oh, how I wish to go back.

The only way I can is to go through the memories. The good times. The only way to pass the time. It's both the most and the least painful way to stay sane. It took a very long while to figure that out. It feels like it's been forever, for all I know maybe it has been. I'm glad I do have some good memories to look back on, a few more before the terror starts.

You don't know what a blessing it is to have your voice go hoarse. When you're crying, screaming, talking, and you can't go anymore. When you're trapped in your own head, you don't have that. Just the sound of your own voice and the darkness, and that's on a good day. The outside world? What I see through my own eyes? It is so much worse.

I don't even see the full picture anymore. It's like looking through binoculars. Everything is slightly blurry unless I focus and I can't see anything that's not in my direct sight. Not that I really want to see anything that my body is doing. What Noxy is doing. Of course, I can't be sure it's really her that's behind the wheel at this point, but I do know that outside of the little corner of my mind I'm trapped in, there's a dark cloud pulling the strings. Noxy is the closest thing I've known to this dark cloud. It doesn't talk to me. If I wasn't here, silence. 

I got pulled from pleasant flashbacks with screams. 

It's always the screams. This time it was a prisoner. They train me with the prisoners. It's always the same bargain. They gave it to me too, but I was a special case. It wasn't anything new or different, the same old 'fight to survive' bargain. This one didn't last long, they weren't even a challenge anymore, I was the executioner. 

It brings back unpleasant memories. So many experiments, lab tables, shots. It all blended together in a horrid ball of terror. I can never seem to stop them from coming through, always being replayed. It's gotten easier, but not by much.

I remember waking up slowly strapped down to a table. I was weak and disoriented. Doctors, if I could even call them that, scientists, tormentors, take your pick, were standing to the side discussing what I assumed was me. 

"Her body is too weak, it won't hold up against the formula," one said. He looked tall and skinny, bordering malnourishment.

"We can replace the parts that whither." I already hated the other, short, plump to say it nicely, and very bald.

"The formula doesn't work through metal, it must be flesh. Besides," I felt his slimy eyes look at me but didn't catch my gaze, "he thinks she's special. He wants her intact."

"For himself."

"Do you really want to risk the wrath?"

"What do you suggest then?" The fat one looked annoyed, and I didn't feel bad at all for it. My brain was still fuzzy enough that I couldn't connect the dots on what they were going to do to me. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't know beforehand.

"We must give her the serum."

"Fine, do it quickly."

I could barely turn my head enough to see the slime-balls and I couldn't see what everyone else was doing. I looked back at the ceiling and the bright white light shining on me. I yanked on the restraints, but I didn't have the strength.

"Sedate it."

I flinched at the sudden needle in my arm. The same fuzzy feeling came back in layers, meaning I must have woke up from the same drugs. I didn't have time to fully process that connection before a bigger needle entered my other arm. I clenched my teeth when the liquid entered my body, multiple times more painful than any other vaccine. I relaxed briefly when the syringe exited my arm, but it didn't last long.

I felt like I was consumed by fire. It traveled through my bones, burning through any imperfection. It evaporated the blur of my mind and I cried out in pain. It was a sensation I couldn't describe properly. After the initial flash of agony the pain... it faded. Slightly. It changed into a different kind of burning, the only way to describe it would be a good pain. 

It was the feeling of cleaning a wound, stretching an extremely sore muscle, and then mildest was the burn of Solanpas. My breathing became heavy; a large amount of energy was used. A whine would occasionally escape my lips at the residue pain. I felt exhausted, and the effects of the drugs started to take effect again, clouding my mind, my limbs starting to go limp.

They were talking around me, but it sounded foreign, alien, fuzzy. Hands grabbed at my restraints, loosening them. I tried to move, but I couldn't even think straight, let alone lift a finger to fight back. Funny how in a mission you're supposed to fight, yet now I can't.

I was still semi-conscious when they left me in a cell on a mattress. The room was all white. It looked like there were scratches on the walls and ceiling revealing grey cement. Gentle hands arranged so all of my limbs were on the cot and that I was situated comfortably. I was too exhausted to turn my head to see who was my comforter.

It was many hours later when the effects of the drugs wore off. I struggled to sit up to clear my head.

"Woah, woah. Take it easy. They medicated you good, hon." The same gentle hands helped me up paired with a smooth voice.

I blinked and rubbed my eyes, struggling to clear my vision so I could see her properly. Once I was steady on the bed my companion sat on a cot opposite of mine. She was beautiful. She looked soft and kind, with a dark edge to her features that told me she's seen horrible things. She had thick box braids framing her face, looking a little frizzy due to having them in for a long time and not tending to them. 

I noticed her grey jumpsuit contrasting with her dark skin leading me to notice my own replacing my Shield uniform I was wearing when I was last fully conscious. It was scratchy and loose with an elastic cinching it to my waist. 

The woman looked at me sympathetically while I tried to connect all the pieces in my brain. She offered me a hand, "My names Jasmine, it looks like we're gonna be roomies in this hell hole."

I huffed, "Well that's encouraging..." I shook her hand, "Y/n."

"It's nice to meet you, but I wish I didn't."

I nodded at her, "The same to you." I ran my hands through my hair, "do you know where we are?"

She shook her head, "exact location? I have no idea. I do know that this is a Hydra base though."

I sighed, "I was worried about that..." I decided to think about my kidnapping and the person responsible later, save myself the worse headache. "How long have you been here? Where'd you come from?"

She raised an eyebrow at me, "Well since you asked _so politely,_ I know I've been here for months, but how many? I lost count. I could be bordering a year by now, but I really don't know. As for where I came from..." She lied down on her cot making it squeak, "I used to be an MI6 agent."

I was surprised, "MI6? I didn't peg you for a Brit."

She halfheartedly glared at me, "what? Cuz I don't have that posh accent?" She put on a thick accent to mock me at the end. "Yeah, moved around a lot. Talked to a bunch of Americans, lived there for a long time. Never really picked the accent up again."

I lied down on my cot, looking at the ceiling, "no judgment here. I'm-- I _used_ to be a Shield agent."

"Oh yeah? All the Avengers and that crap?"

I chuckled, "yeah, something like that." We lied there in silence for a while, the grim reality too fresh on our minds. I finally got the courage to ask a depressing question, "how many people have you seen pass through."

"I've lost count. All I know is I've been the longest lasting."

"I'm sorry."

"Just focus on surviving, hon."

I rested my hands over my stomach casually but found it more muscular than I remembered. I quickly sat up making my head spin a bit. I unzipped my jumpsuit to the waist revealing a sports bra and tank top equally grey. I lifted the tank top to show rock hard abs.

"Ho ho, would you look at that! I've always wanted abs..." I had been working on getting them for as long as I could remember, but they never quite got there. My core was strong, but I could never get it to look it. 

Jasmine rolled her eyes, "you're acting like you didn't have them before."

I looked at her dead serious, "I didn't."

She sat back up slowly, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"I had moss soft flabs however long ago, they took me, slapped me on a table giving me who knows what, and now I have these freaking rock hard abs and..." I looked at my arms, "these killer guns." 

She looked thoughtfully at the wall, "It was a shot?"

"Yeah."

She sighed and rubbed a hand over her whole face, "Then they've got plans for you, hon. I pray for your soul."

My heart dropped. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. It didn't matter that I was strapped to a table a couple of hours ago. The reality was just setting in. I was going to be a science experiment. Knowing Hydra, I was either going to die or become a deadly weapon. 

I was trapped. And I was going to be left with a horrible fate. 

I swallowed deeply, "Ma'am?"

"You call me ma'am and I'm gonna beat you to a pulp, what they want you for be damned."

"What would you like me to call you then?"

"Call me Jasmine. When we're friends you can call me Jazz." She looked into my eyes from her nails, "if you last that long."

I smiled bitterly. "Alright, Jasmine. I intend to earn that nickname, so what can you tell me about surviving in this hell hole?"

She looked at me deeply, searching my eyes for something, "You have an advantage now if they gave you what I think they gave you. You're stronger now, and they want to keep you. How it works here is they weed out the weak ones."

A chill went down my spine, "How do they do that?"

"How much do you know about the Romans?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood in the corner of a white concrete room. It was a little bit bigger than me and Jasmine's cell, but other than that and the beds, it looked exactly the same. In the opposite corner a man with crazed eyes. He was skinny, but for some reason, I didn't think he was going to be weak. He had on a matching grey jumpsuit. The look in his eyes told me the only reason he wasn't attacking me was because of the rules they gave us before-hand. 

_Don't start until we give the go-ahead. If you start before you will be punished, but you won't automatically lose, so beware._

_Fight like your life depends on it because it does._

Two rules. Anything goes. We were just staring at each other, waiting to be released I guess.

"So, dude, how long have you been here?"

"Doesn't matter, I'll be here longer than you little girl."

I took that as an end to the conversation and started to stretch my limbs. I didn't take my eyes off of him. I was acutely aware of the cameras looking at me, my gut was twisting, but I had to ignore it. No good could come out of it, only distraction. I was gonna beat this punk. I had no other choice.

"Attention."

I let go of my foot and set myself in an athletic, ready stance.

"Begin."

I felt like I was in the Hunger Games all of a sudden. The squirrely guy launched himself across the room at me. I dove and rolled away, my socks slipping on the painted floor. He lashed a hand toward my face, wanting to scratch me. I didn't know my own strength when I grabbed it and heard a snap.

He howled but didn't hesitate to kick my leg out from under me. I kicked him off to stand up again. I punched him in the face, but it didn't slow him down. He ducked his head down and plowed me into the wall causing me to grunt. There was no strategy, no skill. He was utterly unpredictable. 

Adrenaline was pumping through my veins. I don't know when, but at some point, there were enough injuries to be dripping blood over my face. I wiped it to not get in my eyes and somehow he got behind me, tackling me to the ground. He sat on my back and held my arms behind my back. I didn't have enough leverage to use my strength to get him off. I turned my head so I could breathe, but it wasn't going to matter. 

He grabbed onto my hair and ear and began pounding my head repeatedly into the ground. Pain shot through me and I struggled to get out from under him. Nothing was working and I began to fall limp, my eyesight growing black. 

I lost.

The door burst open and guards pulled him off of me. The ground was swaying, and my head felt like he had never stopped pounding my head against the ground. I watched as blood started to pool in front of my eyes. I couldn't bring myself to move, my vision still fizzling out.

The intercom clicked on and a vaguely familiar voice tsked at me, "you're better than that. I need a strong Queen."

My vision finally faded with the man kicking and screaming, "I won! Get off of me! That's not how this works!"

I lost consciousness, my only thought being, "I've gotta get out of here." A tear fell from my eye.

_Please find me._


	14. Chapter 14

"What do you mean she's gone?!" Fury stood abruptly at his desk, slamming his hands on the table.

The Avengers had a variety of emotions painted on their faces.

Shame.

Sadness.

Defeat.

Calculative.

Determination.

Restlessness.

Anger.

"We mean, Director Fury," Natasha started sharply, obviously not happy, "that she's gone. Taken, left, disappeared, I don't know."

Steve lifted his head from his hand and looked at Fury from his chair, "All we know is when we got back to the Quinjet, the agents left behind to guard were unconscious. Tracks were everywhere in the area, whose, unknown. There weren't any signs of a struggle, but they were gone."

Fury sighed, sitting heavily back in his chair, "the base you were sent to take down? Was it a trap?"

Tony stopped pacing, "It was about the same difficulty as all the other bases. Full defense systems, guards, not any ground-breaking information in it, but that's been usual for the last few bases we've taken down... If it was set-up it was more of a sacrificial lamb then a decoy."

Fury rested his face on his clasped hands, silent for a moment. His eye sparked for a moment and he looked back at Steve, "wait, you said 'they.' How many Agents are missing?"

"Two."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I lied on my cot staring at the ceiling. They dragged my body from that room, drops of blood following behind me. They haphazardly checked me for any serious injuries then left me on my bed. I knew I had a concussion, but I didn't think I had any broken bones, luckily. 

I spent most of my recovery time lying on that bed. Not that I had anything else to do. Jasmine occasionally got called out and came back covered in bruises, sometimes cuts oozed blood as well. She didn't talk about her fights. Every time she came back there was a little less light in her eyes, and there wasn't a lot, to begin with.

The only fight we talked about was mine. The dropped me onto the bed and left the room.

"So, looks like you won." She barely looked at me, my gut didn't twist. "Not without a few casualties of your own looks like."

I swallowed, my mouth dry, "I didn't." My voice was quiet, scratchy, barely heard.

"What was that?"

"I didn't win."

She paused, an unrecognized expression crossed her face, "You- you lost?"

I nodded slowly, my head pounded so I stopped.

She whispered, mostly to herself, "how are you still here?"

A tear fell from my eye, but I just stared at the ceiling, too numb to move, "I don't know, Jasmine... I don't know I don't know I don't know!" I was scared. If they kept me around after I was too weak to win by their rules than I don't want to know what's in store for me. 

"Did they say anything to you?"

I squoze my eyes shut, trying to focus on the memory even though it wasn't too long ago, "He said I was better than that... He needed a strong queen."

Jasmine stood from her cot and walked over to mine, "Oh, honey." She gently lifted my head and placed it on her lap, giving me an apologetic look when I winced. "You're in for a world of trouble... I've only heard rumors, half comments..." She stroked my hair. She seemed to be in a trance like she wasn't thinking about what she was saying. "They said I was passed up for the role-" she snapped out of it like she remembered something she didn't want to say out loud.

We sat in silence, staring straight ahead, not sure how to proceed. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. I did know that I didn't want to feel so... Powerless. I wanted to have some sort of control, and I didn't want to feel this pain again. 

"Whatcha thinkin' about, baby girl?"

I looked into her eyes, determined, "I don't want to lose again."

She swallowed visibly and looked a combination of scared and sad before returning her gaze to the wall. 

We didn't talk about another fight. I just lied there, day in, day out. I kept thinking, trying to decipher who was behind this, how to get out of this, how to even last into the next week. Whenever that is. Everything was blending together. The food was eatable, enough to keep us strong enough to fight I guess, but not much more than that. 

I didn't get called out for weeks. I recovered faster than I thought I would, from experience mostly, but maybe it just felt that way being locked in a cell with nothing to do. I started to try and work out once I felt I was able. Push-ups, sit-ups, planks, Russian-twists. Anything I could think of that didn't require equipment. I found I could do a lot more than I used to without getting winded and sore. 

I hated waiting. The silence bothered me. It seemed to suffocate me. I couldn't decide if it was better when Jaz was or wasn't there. When she was there she made quiet noises to break the silence. It wasn't so lonely, but it was hard to fill the silence when she was there. Awkward. When I was alone I was free to let out a little crazy, sing, talk, just make a bunch of nonsense noises. 

_'Don't you, forget about me_  
Don't, don't, don't, don't  
Don't you, forget about me'

Why is it always the songs that remind you of your hardship that gets stuck in your head? It bugged me that I couldn't remember all the words, so I would just hum the tune then mumble out the words I could remember. I clenched my teeth every time I got to the chorus again. Hoping-- praying, that they didn't forget about me. That they were so close to finding me. 

For now, I just kept working, training. I did drills in the small room and imagined a dummy to practice sparing. Jaz didn't want to spar with me. I didn't really ask her though, either. It could get pretty dangerous with the cots, and she was already pretty beaten up all the time. Every time she recovers enough to move around without wincing, she gets called out again. 

It's been a couple of weeks since my last fight. They didn't check my injuries since right after, but they did leave me pain meds. Extra pain meds I guess I should say. Jaz got a couple in the next meal after her fights, but not as many as I did. 

"Jasmine?"

She hummed at me.

"Do- do people hoard their pills?"

She fiddled with her own before swallowing them, "Yes, sometimes."

I looked up at the camera in the room, "Do- they have to know about it though, right?"

She looked at me with sad eyes, "They don't stop it though... Don't care."

"Why don't you?"

"I plan on surviving. I haven't gotten to that point... yet." She reached over and took my hand, "I won't try to stop you if you decide to do it, but I want you to survive with me ya hear?"

I nodded and squeezed her hand, "Yeah, okay."

I didn't know how much time passed, but it was at least a couple of days when the guards came for me. 

It was the same rules. Don't start until told. Win. 

It was another skinny guy across the room. He didn't have the crazed look in his eyes. He looked dead, weary, but not sad. No, he was still going to put up a fight. He was more calculative.

I stretched silently this time, not beginning a conversation. The only things that moved were his eyes. He was watching my movements, carefully, planning. He didn't give me the same opportunity, but I felt that if I was loose than I would fight better so I didn't stop my own movements.

The intercom clicked on and I prepared myself for him to rush me. We were told to begin and I flinched, ready to duck out of his way, but he didn't come after me. I saw him smirk at my apparent show of weakness. 

We circled each other, slowly spiraling into the center of the room. I was tense, my heart was beating, I'm sure my hands were shaking from the nerves. He seemed relaxed, he knew what he was doing. He seemed to be waiting for me to make the first move, but as we got closer and closer he seemed to realize I wasn't going to make it. I saw as the gears in his head switched from a defensive mindset to an offensive one. His stepping pattern changed slightly. There were a couple of involuntary twitches of the muscles that told me he was preparing to strike. 

That's when I knew when to go. Right as his left quad twitched slightly I pounced to his left side. The surprise on his face told me everything I needed to know and flipped his leg out from under him. Unfortunately, my socks caused me to slip as well and we ended up rolling around in a ball trying to get the upper hand.

He grabbed at my hair making it a knotted mess. I'm pretty sure I ended up kneeing him in the crotch, but obviously not hard enough since he stood up again once we separated. I licked my stinging lip and watched his every move. We were both panting heavily, trying to look for an opening. 

I took a moment to gulp in a deep breath, holding and releasing it shakily. He must have taken that as a moment of weakness and rushed me. I quickly stepped out of his way, shoving his head down as he flew by. I made sure to get a knee into his gut causing him to let out a strangled grunt.

I quickly forced him onto and over his knees, me behind him. I straddled his back and held him in a head-lock. I held it tight, slowly cutting off his air. 

I felt his breathing become shallow and his body go limp under me. I let go once he was unconscious. I stood catching my breath. I became concerned once no one opened the door to let me out. I sat down against the wall on the other side of the room, leaning my head against it.

I was tired, sore, but it scared me how easy it felt to do that. How long am I going to have to go through this? Days? Weeks? Months? 

Years?

_No, the Avengers are looking for you. They may make a mess but they always get the job done. They'll get to you before then._

I sighed and looked at the man lying unconscious across the room. I could barely see the lump breathing, but I knew I didn't kill him. I don't know how long I sat there, staring at his body, subconsciously humming the song suck in my head. 

Eventually, the guards came in to collect me. I wondered what took them so long to come in, but I walked out with them. At least two very large guards would accompany me whenever I left my cell, this time was no different. It looked like it was the same as every other prisoner in the compound, but two guards came in the room to take me, and when I exited, only one smaller, dirtier guard entered the room for my opponent. I found it strange but thought it wise not to question it.

They shoved me into my cell and left me to my own lack of devices. I sat in the small open area of the cell and began to stretch again to cool off and prevent soreness. Jaz didn't say anything to greet me, only to comment on my victory.

"So, you did it then?"

"Yeah, I won. It took them a really long time to come in and get me though..."

"Is that so?"

"Indeed. I sat next to the wall staring at his unconscious body for a long time before they came in." I switched positions, causing a strained wheeze to escape, "Is that an intimidation tactic or something?"

"Unconscious you said?" 

I hummed in the affirmative.

She didn't answer for a little while, "Interesting, I don't know, hon."

_She's lying to you._

_Noxy, there's no reason to lie here._

I finished my stretch routine and we didn't talk about the fight anymore. I lied on the bed, like the countless hours before. The silence was deafening. I wanted to say something. Anything! Break the silence, stop Noxy from speaking all of my deepest fears. 

_It's been weeks. If they haven't found you yet are they ever going to?_

_Who's behind it and what do they want with you?_

_Maybe you should start hoarding those pills._

"Hey, Jasmine."

"Whatsup?"

"What's your last name?"

She took a moment like she was trying to decide if she wanted to answer me or not, but finally sighed, "Okoro, Jasmine Okoro."

"That's a nice name."

"What's your last name?"

"L/n."

Jasmine rolled her head to the side to look at me, "I guess if we ever get out of here we can find each other again."

I mirrored her movement, "That's a nice thought."

"You look tired, get some rest."

I rolled over and faced the wall. I tried to ignore the twisting of my gut. It became easier with each passing day. The cameras combined with Jasmine, the guards. Everyone was watching me. The only thing that made me special in that whole government agency was my ability to sense when someone was watching me. I saved lives doing it. 

Look where it got me. It couldn't save me from this. 

Natasha said that many people could feel eyes, but they tended to ignore it so it went away. 

And the Lord said that thy talent had been ignored so thine talent shall be taken away.

I think the Bible said something like that. 

There is nothing for me now. A cell, a shadow of an MI6 agent next to me, and if she's right, an innumerable amount of experiment tables ahead of me. A whole world left behind. A whole future. A whole beautiful, bright future ahead of me. Now I'm surrounded by cold, white walls. Nobody to remember me.

My future now looked very, very dark indeed.

I began to hum to urge my cold body to sleep.

' _Don't you, forget about me.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds


	15. Chapter 15

_Day blah ba blah blah blah._

That's how it always seems to start, isn't it? The character opens with saying: it's been two-hundred and twenty-nine and a half days since I last saw the light of day... Which translates to seven months and sixteen and a half days. 

That's not how I'm gonna start, because frankly, I can't remember how long I've been here. There are no windows in our cell, just white LED lights to tell us when to rise and when to rest. For all I know, our lunch could be at midnight, and our dinner at daybreak. Not that we have that many meals a day, it varies, at least that's our theory. As most of our living here, we really don't know. 

Time kept ticking by. I wasn't sure at what pace. My internal clock used to be decent, but since the drug and no clock to reset, I have no idea. 

I was getting restless. I couldn't move around, and I'm ashamed to say I was almost aching for the next fight. I was angry, trapped, and it was the only way I had some sense of control. It's ironic, since it may have felt that way, but I knew it was so far from the truth. And there was nothing I could do about it. A small piece of control, however imaginary, was a life-preserver, a beacon, something to cling onto, a way to hold my sanity.

It was a... relief when the guards came for me again. It was a way for me to release the tension of being in that small room. Let out the stir crazy.

My adrenaline was pumping the whole time. The fight was over too soon. While it released some of the pent up energy, I still felt like I could run for hours. It was much like my second fight. I had him unconscious on the floor. My hands were trembling slightly, from excess energy or from the guilt of doing this, I wasn't quite sure.

I jumped up and down which released some of the energy, enough where I could calm down and breathe. I sat back down in much the same position as before. I didn't know if I was in for another long wait, so I figured: might as well get comfortable. I waited for a while, not nearly as long as last time though. 

The intercom clicked on and I snapped my head up, "Hmmm, whatever am I going to with you. You haven't earned the title of Queen yet..." He paused and I had to swallow, suddenly my rapid heart rate wasn't from the exercise. 

"What do you want from me, you coward!?" I didn't know why I said it. His voice just grated on my nerves. Not because it was unappealing, no it was because he had a nice voice, but he's the reason I'm trapped in a cell, with no color but Jaz's eyes to look at besides our own skin tone. He's the reason I'm an experiment, why I can't go home. Why I'm going to be forgotten; that's if I haven't been already.

"Oh, name-calling are we? Good, because I need to know what to call you until you earn the title I want you to have. Let's see, let's see... Consort? No... that's almost hard to say, I need something that just rolls of the tongue. Princess? Maybe, but all I can picture is pink and purple ribbons." He laughed like he made a pitiful joke. "I could go really old fashioned and call you a concubine. What do you think about that?"

I bit my lip, but my thoughts still slipped out in a whisper, "I'm not your bitch." I mentally smacked myself for swearing out loud, nothing good ever came from it, especially now.

"No? Don't like the name? You are... what did you say? You are my bitch, but I would prefer not to call you that, there has to be some level of respect in this relationship. Oh! I know what to call you... Mistress. Yes, just rolls off the tongue," as if for emphasis he clucked his tongue then continued, "and to answer your question, _Mistress,_ I want you to win this match."

My hands started to tremble again, thinking of what he's trying to insinuate.

"I trust you know what that means." The intercom clicked off again, leaving me in silence.

I knew exactly what he meant, and I hated it. Suddenly all I could hear was my heartbeat and heavy breathing. Signs of life. I looked at the man on the floor. Average build, shaggy brown hair, he lied on the ground, face down to where I couldn't see his face. Maybe that was best. I hadn't even been put through very much yet. How was I considering doing this? 

_You do what you have to to survive._

Do I even want to survive if this is what I have to live with?

_What if that's his thoughts too?_

I don't know that. How could I do this?

I looked at the little window in the door. I could see part of one of the guard's face. He was facing straight ahead, back to the wall. I noticed his eyes flicker to the window, at me, but then he looked back at the wall giving no expression to me. I swallowed and clenched my fists. I glared up at the security camera, I didn't even need my near nonexistent ability anymore to know he was watching me.

I pounded my fists against my forehead, hating myself. This wouldn't be my first, no far from it. This time it felt personal though. I approached the boy, that's what he looked like from behind, just a boy. I lifted his body so he was kneeling, his head slack. I put him into position, I could feel everything, the warmth of his body, the scratchiness of his jumpsuit next to mine. I took a deep breath and looked straight at the camera.

I made sure to make it quick. Quick as a snap. He didn't feel a thing. 

I stood, letting his body fall to the ground, dead weight. The door opened and my two guards came in to escort me to my cell. I kept staring at the camera for as long as possible, I wasn't sure of the exact message I was sending, but I wanted him to know I was sending it. Two steps before I was out the door the intercom clicked on again, the three of us halting.

"Beautiful, my Mistress. You will make a wonderful Queen."

I didn't acknowledge his voice, the comment, none of it. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

I entered our cell, devoid of emotion. Devoid of everything really. I simply sat on the cot, staring at the floor. Jaz watched me but didn't say anything. I wasn't sure how many minutes had passed, maybe it was hours, I couldn't be sure.

My voice came out in a whisper, barely audible, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What was that hon?" 

I looked into her dark eyes, knowing she knew exactly what I said, "You knew _exactly_ what is supposed to happen in those fights." To her credit, she didn't break eye contact, despite the burning gaze I set upon her. "And you didn't care to correct me."

She clenched her jaw, "You would have found out eventually. In this situation, the later you know about the ugly, the better."

I nearly snarled at her, but I didn't argue. I rolled over and didn't acknowledge her, trying to fall asleep. Eventually, the angry tension in my limbs dissipated, leaving me with exhaustion that gripped me both body and soul. Luckily I fell into a dreamless sleep.

I was rudely awakened the next morning with rough hands rolling me over, nearly off the bed. I blinked my eyes open and had enough sense to stand on my feet before they threw me to the ground.

"Hey, what's going on?" The guards usually weren't this rough with me or Jaz for that matter. I looked to her and found her in a state of frightened confusion. She didn't know what was up either.

They didn't answer me, only grabbed my arms and dragged me out the door. While I didn't know how this labyrinth of a building was laid out, I did know that I was being taken in the opposite direction as to the rooms where the prisoners would fight. That fact made me sweat a little bit more. I tried to keep up with them so I wasn't being dragged, mostly for my own comfort, but they had a lot longer legs and I kept tripping up and slipping in my socks.

Soon the hallways weren't just white walls. There were windows set in the cinderblocks and I did not like what I saw through them. They didn't go to the outside, no they looked into rooms with various medical instruments placed on tables next to every color imaginable liquids. In the center, there was either a table or a chair. They were solid shiny metal, probably steel, and they had strong metal or leather restraints. I started to fight my guards, I didn't know where I would run to, but I would keep running until I found something, anything. Their grips were strong as they continued to drag me down the hallway past more and more experimental labs, some had blood spattered everywhere, some looked squeaky clean, even more, had someone strapped to one of those chairs or tables, screaming, unconscious, or dead.

"Nononono, please, don't do this. I don't want to! Please, sir, don't take me!" I continued to try and break free but they didn't budge. They didn't even look at me or show anything at all that said I was even in between them. 

I tried to dig my feet into the ground to stop them, but my socks simply slid across the floor, hindering them little. I tugged at their arms and even tried to bite one of them at some point, but nothing stopped them from taking me to the last room at the end of the hallway. It had the largest window that showed the scientists preparing and waiting for me in the largest room. It was a table in the middle of the room, metal loops were on the sides in the positions to hold my limbs. This table also had a leather head strap and a metal loop to go around my neck.

Once they got me into the room, kicking and screaming they locked the door behind me. I deeper sense of dread spread through me. This was actually happening. 

One of the doctors addressed my guard, "Did you not give it the sedative?"

He answered gruffly, "It was with the meal, but I think she went to sleep before it was delivered."

She sighed, "Fine, get her on the table."

They nearly threw me onto the metal and before I could struggle they managed to get the restraint around my neck. I flailed my other limbs, not wanting to get strapped down on this thing. The guards managed to hold my legs down long enough to strap them down. I kicked a couple of times after the loops were secured and winced when my feet rattled. I finally figured I wasn't getting out of three metal bangles, so I didn't try to punch anyone in the face... As hard anyway.

They eventually got me strapped down all the way and I could feel tears start to prick in my eyes. I looked around to see what exactly they were going to do to me. I looked at the wall where the window was, but all I could see was myself, strapped down to that table. I looked pale, and I could tell the meals they were giving us didn't help maintain weight. My hair was frizzy and out of place and if I had to use one word to describe me it would be a mess.

I saw the scientists moving around and I saw the short dude from before preparing a syringe with a beaker in his other hand. The beaker was filled with a dark, no, not just dark, black. It was pitch black. The consistency seemed to keep changing, as he swirled it seemed to change from syrup to shiny ink to a matte looking substance. 

I looked back at the ceiling, not wanting to watch. A young-looking woman came to my side touching my arm slightly. I could tell she was trying to look emotionless, blank, but her eyes told me a different story. She held up a wooden spoon and swallowed.

I took a shaky breath and opened my mouth wide. She lodged it into my jaw and I clenched onto it.

I heard the portly man flick the syringe and I couldn't help look at him. It was filled with that liquid from before and I watched long enough for him to squeeze a singular drop out to make sure there was no air in it. I quickly looked at the ceiling, not wanting to watch any longer. 

I felt someone hold my wrist down so the inside of my arm faced out. A tourniquet was wrapped around my upper arm so they had a better shot at my vein. My body was tense, nervous, I tried to breathe deeply to calm down but nothing was working. 

I heard him chuckle next to me, "I would say relax, it will hurt less, but this will hurt either way."

I barely had time to register and brace myself when he stuck the syringe in my arm. I winced slightly, but that pain couldn't cast a shadow on the pure agony that came when he started to push the concoction into my bloodstream.

It felt like acid, burning every cell in my body to be as black as itself. I could feel exactly where it went, rushing down to my fingertips, causing them to spasm as if it would make the pain go away. I was so focused on the pain that I didn't notice when the demon doctors stepped away from me to watch. 

Tears were rolling down my face as I screamed with no restraint. I could feel the wooden spoon cracking in my jaws. I arched my back above the table once the ink approached my heart. I was jerking and rattling everything as the substance pulsed through my body as if a different kind of pain could distract me, make it better. I understood why they had the leather head strap because if it wasn't there, I'm sure I would have tried to bash my brains out in pure reflex. 

I felt it travel and spread from my heart all the way to my toes. It seemed to creep up my neck agonizingly slow despite my rapidly beating heart. Once it reached my head it felt like I had eaten a spoonful of wasabi while my head rested on a concert speaker playing at full volume. If my hands were free they might have scratched away everything, my eyes, ears, scalp, they might have ripped my head off just to make the pain stop.

The next sensation was nearly indescribable. I could feel sweat running across my skin, but I could also feel it running underneath it. I could feel each pump of my blood not just in my ears and fingertips, but also in every vein and artery. It was like it was cooling it from the inside, which was still painful, but not as much as the burning. My screaming reduced to groans, still wiggling on the table. I was panting, I focused on breathing heavily as if it would help with the pain.

Eventually, everything started to tingle like it was falling asleep. In the wake of the pins and needles, an overwhelming numbness started to take hold. My breathing became shallow, but regular, not labored or strained. I stopped moving on the table, becoming almost deathly still. My gaze remained on the ceiling as I lost all feeling in my body. I vaguely remember hearing the wooden spoon fall to the floor. 

Everything seemed stiff like I couldn't move of my own free will. I didn't even have the will to blink my eyes, so I watched my vision slowly collapse inward from the darkness, as I felt silent tears fall one by one down my face.


	16. Chapter 16

What Y/n didn't know about her time on the lab table was that she was being watched from the hallway. He didn't enjoy her pain, no, but he did enjoy the transformation. So many trials, so many failures had led to this. She wasn't completed yet. She wasn't perfect yet. 

His mother's words echoed back to him through time, _"You're going to be a king one day."_

_'Yes, mother. A king so great no one... No one has to become what you did.'_

He watched as the guards carried her limp body out from the room, "You're one step closer to becoming a Queen my Mistress."

Of course, she didn't answer. She was carried back to her room where she was tossed onto the open cot. 

Jasmine thought she was dead. Her eyes darted from the limp arm hanging off of the bed to Y/n's face. Her eyes were left wide open. There wasn't any life there. In fact, they looked so incredibly dark. Unnaturally so.

Jasmine dove off of her cot once the guards left to room. She hurriedly pressed two fingers to her pulse point, desperate to feel something. She couldn't lose another one. They had never been so cruel before, going so far as to bring back a dead body to stare into nothing.

She nearly cried when she felt Y/n's heart beating strong and regular. She wasn't dead, only unconscious. With her eyes open. Jasmine couldn't look at her eyes any longer, so she closed them. It helped remind her that she wasn't dead. Only sleeping. She also centered Y/n's body so she wouldn't be sore from half hanging off of the bed.

She couldn't see the regular cuts and bruises on Y/n's body that are usually there after a fight. That seemed to confirm Jasmine's fear that they took her to do something else. No fight would leave someone unconscious with their eyes wide open. They also have never dragged anyone to another fight so soon and so roughly. They did something to her, and Jasmine wasn't sure if she really wanted to know what they did, but she didn't have to decide now. She just had to wait for Y/n to wake up.

Or hope that if she woke up, she's still the same person that got dragged out of the cell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waking up was a strange feeling. It was even stranger when my vision returned to find myself already sitting up facing Jaz. She was staring at me expectantly, but I wasn't sure what to do. I blinked my eyes a couple of times to clear my vision before questioning her.

"What? Is there something on my face?"

"Oh, now you're gonna talk to me?" She sounded offended but what she said didn't make any sense.

"Jasmine, what are you talking about? I just woke up." I stretched a little bit and that's when I noticed the large black bruise on the inside of my elbow, "Ah! They really did a number on me, didn't they?"

Jasmine focused on the black blob before looking back at my face, "Are you okay? What did they do?" 

I sighed and rubbed my face, strange sensations were still dancing on my skin, but I tried my best to tell her what happened. "They gave me some sort of shot. The liquid... It was dark black and... I don't know how to describe it. It looked like it kept changing. I felt it throughout my whole body when they gave it to me... It- Let's just say that hurt. A lot."

"Enough for you to pass out with your eyes wide open." She pointed at the bed I was sitting on.

"Yeah, Jasmine." I chuckled a bit, not knowing what to do with my self again.

"Well, how do you feel now?"

"Different," I kept feeling my hands as if I would find the right words engraved in them, "weird. I feel like a stick of wet black sidewalk chalk."

She scrunched her eyebrows, trying to decipher what that felt like.

"That's literally the only way I can think to describe it. I can still feel stuff, but I also feel numb. Chalky, but still somewhat soft." I squirmed as I attempted to describe the strange feeling that was inside of me, "I don't know! I just... feel." I signed and there was a pause where nobody said anything, "What are we going to do Jasmine?"

"Jaz."

I looked up from the floor, "What?"

She smiled at me softly, "I think you've earned the right to call me Jaz."

I smiled back for a moment but couldn't hold it for long. Everything was so confusing and I didn't know how I was going to handle it locked in this cell, nearly alone, except with this sassy, battle-hardened black lady. I stretched my neck and looked towards the ceiling, but noticed something a little bit different.

"Jaz? Do the lights seem a bit dim to you?"

She mirrored my movement and looked up to the ceiling too, "Yeah, I noticed that, but I don't know what's up so..."

I squinted and looked towards the opposite wall from me and rubbed my eyes, "Yeah, they seem darker, but it seems like the light hurts more now."

Jaz hummed in acknowledgment and stared at my eyes when I opened them again. She frowned slightly and I copied her with a raised eyebrow. "Maybe you should get some rest. That might help."

I nodded a little bit but didn't break the strange eye contact for a second. When she didn't give me any explanation for the firm stare I rolled back over to face the wall, hoping to block some of the light to fall asleep. 

A couple of weeks went by... At least I thought it was a couple of weeks. I seemed to be losing time. It was usually when I woke up, or maybe it was when I _didn't_ wake up. I would get a feeling like I stood up too quickly, my vision would return right as I was waking. The trouble came when I realized that I would wake up mid-task. Sometimes I was standing, pacing, sitting up. Sometimes I was just lying on the bed, but I began to notice that when I woke up I didn't physically open my eyes. They were already open. The most disturbing was when I came to and I was boxing the wall. I wasn't hitting very hard, barely tapping it, but my body was doing it very rapidly. I laugh thinking about it, I never would have thought I would sleep exercise. 

I could tell Jasmine wasn't telling me some things. She was concerned and was trying to hide what she thought. I tried to ask her what was going on, but she would just blow it off as if it was nothing. What she couldn't hide, no matter how hard she tried, was her stare on my eyes. It was as if she was looking for something in them, whether she found it or not, I never really found out. 

The fights that I was thrown into started to turn into a blur. I couldn't remember anymore, the faces, the pain, not that I seemed to feel it much anymore. That was until I was set against a fresh boy. He was so young and scared. I could tell he had gotten here recently, he didn't really know what was going on. He did seem to know that a lot hinged on him winning though. 

He fought hard, but he didn't stand a chance. When he was unconscious on the ground I couldn't help but stare. His hair was still cropped short unlike most of the prisoners here where their hair grew long and shaggy. I knew I had to kill him. I knew it would be better for both of us if I did... Or would it? I didn't know. One thing I did know was I didn't want to do this, and my body was making no move to do it.

"I can't take it anymore! I am not killing this boy!" I screamed at the ceiling, not bothering to look at the camera in the room. I walked over and started pounding on the door. I knew it was a fool's errand, there were two, maybe three large guards that I stood no chance against should they try and detain me. I found it strange since they gave me these drugs to make me stronger, but I guess they could have given it to them too. The metal door started to take dents from my fists.

They seemed to realize that I was serious in not killing him, so the guards opened the door and grabbed a hold of me. I didn't fight them when they grabbed me and escorted me out of the room. I did start to struggle when they guided me in the opposite direction of my cell. Whenever the routine was broken was a very bad sign. 

I knew fighting was no use, but that didn't stop me from trying. Why did I have to be such a stupid little idiot? 

I was dragged to a small room, and I could tell right away it was built differently than all the other rooms I've seen. These walls were smooth, they looked like white semi-transparent plastic. The room was completely empty. They tossed me to the far side of the room where I hit the wall with a wince. They locked the door behind them before I could struggle to my feet. I noticed there weren't any light fixtures in the room, but on all sides, there was a soft glow so I could see.

"Just when I thought you were making progress..." I didn't even hear the intercom come on, just his voice surrounding me. "I hate to have to do this to you Mistress, but I will do what I have to to make you progress faster." As he spoke the soft glow of the room started to grow and I found my skin prickling.

I started to scratch at my skin to try and relieve the strange sensation covering my body. It only gave a slight relief that didn't last very long. The light continued to grow and my discomfort grew along with it until it passed the threshold into pain. The light seemed to sting and burn as it brightened to blinding levels. I felt burning hot and freezing cold all at the same time. Everything seemed to shut down, my body curled into itself as if to shield against an attacker. I vaguely registered my screams and tears flowing down my face. 

My only anchor to reality was my ruined, mashed nails digging into my arms, the only sensation that could be relatively familiar. The light pounding on me from all sides was draining me of all energy. After enough time my body went limp and I couldn't move a muscle. I hated the feeling of not having any control. My mind was still reeling from the stabbing pain behind my tightly closed eyes. My entire consciousness felt like it was trying to find a way to hide from the pain. I felt paralyzed, I couldn't move my body, my sense of self was pushed to the farthest corner of my brain, and an overwhelming sense of dread caused my weak body to tremble uncontrollably. 

I could have been in that state for a matter of seconds, or I could have been there for hours. It felt like I was there for at least a day. Occasionally my strength would return enough to let out a whimper, or if I was lucky a scream. I hardly moved from my spot lying curled in the middle of the room. For all I knew, I could have been unconscious and blacked out for most of the experience, but either way, I didn't move, and the light never dimmed until they felt I had suffered enough. 

They held me by my upper arms and had to drag me towards my cell again. Half of my body was on the ground, and I had a glimpse or two of the sweat trail left behind. The guards tossed me onto my cot much like the last time I wasn't in total control of my limbs.

I'm pretty sure I lied there for at least two days. I faded in and out of consciousness and by the time I gathered enough strength to move I used it to roll over so I couldn't see the light above me. The light seemed brighter than when I left it, it was the same brightness as the hallway outside when in recent weeks it was dimmer. I think he meant it as a subtle reminder.

Jaz helped me out as much as she could, but there wasn't much to be done. She mostly just let me be and made sure I could breathe and wasn't dying from starvation or dehydration. 

Eventually, I was strong enough to sit up and eat by myself. My hair was still grossly crusty from sweat, and I felt like I was moving through molasses. I wanted to cry, but I didn't have the energy to spare. The wet chalky feeling became almost unbearable to the point where I wanted to scratch it off. Of course, I couldn't do that either and my overwhelming sense of hopelessness and helplessness multiplied one-hundred fold.

The door opened with a bang and the guards summoned me with them. I stumbled with them towards a totally different hallway then what I've seen before. The room they herded me into was just as plain as the others, but this one had a normal table and two chairs. They sat me in one and left the one across from me empty. One exited the room and the other guard stood silently to the side, back against the wall.

I haven't sat in an actual chair for so long, it was a strange experience. I used the opportunity to use the back to twist around and stretch against it causing my back to pop. The guard in the room didn't even react to the loud noise, but I suppose it shouldn't surprise me considering the stuff he sees every day. I finally decided to hunch over onto the table, hiding my face from the single light fixture above the table. I rested my eyes for a while, not knowing how long I sat there. I heard the door squeak open at some point and I sat up straight for the visitor.

"Hello, Mistress." He walked from the door behind me to the chair set in front of me. I didn't turn my head towards him when he entered, so I waited until he circled the table to see his face.

"Hello, Henry."


	17. Chapter 17

"Say what now?" Tony rocked back and forth on his heels to his toes, growing impatient.

Fury slid the file towards him on his desk, "I need you to look for any weak spots on these machines so we can take them down easily on your next mission."

Tony visibly clenched and released his fists, trying to stay calm, "And what happened to looking for Y/n?"

Fury took a deep breath, knowing this was going to get messy, "I'm sorry, but it's been too long with no leads. That can't be our main focus anymore, we have more pressing matters to attend to."

"So you're just going to give up on her?!"

"No, Tony, but we have to accept that we might not find her. We have missions that we need executing and oh I don't know, taking down Hydra!"

Tony's face started to turn red, "All these people!" He pointed towards where Shield agents were working just down the hall, "are just expendable to you aren't they!? All just little pawns ready to be sacrificed for your little game!"

Fury slammed his hands on the desk, "I cared about her too Tony!" The room became eerily quiet, the only sound was heavy breathing. "She was a good agent, I just can't put all of my resources into finding her anymore." 

Tony rubbed his face in his hand while nodding his head in understanding. He took a couple of steps towards the desk and slid the file into his hand. He said in a whisper, "I'll look this over, get it back to you soon as I can..." He turned back towards the door, head slightly bowed.

"Tony."

"Yes?" He didn't turn around, only tilting his head towards the director.

Fury opened a drawer, "It-- It's been checked for sensitive Shield information, so if you want to keep it for her..." He gently placed a phone on the desk, making sure to give Tony his space.

Tony turned back around slowly, eyes flickering from the phone to Fury who took a step back. He picked it up gently and gave it a quick once over. The case was worn, well used. There was a crack or two in the glass screen protector, but the phone itself was in good condition. He sucked his teeth for a moment before patting his hand and pointing at Fury with the phone. He didn't say anything, but neither of them needed to. He exited the office and closed the door behind him.

Once Fury was alone he sat heavily in his chair. He didn't know what he was going to do with them. They were already hard to keep under wraps but trying to get them to work now was going to be a nightmare. Fury wasn't sure if he should be glad that he got Tony done early on. He was sure the most vocal, but the others can be challenging in entirely worse and different ways. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, closing his eye, it was going to be a hard couple of weeks and Fury needed all the rest he could get.

The file stared at Tony, the metal shavings and oil residue leaving stains around the corners. He really should be working on it, but instead, the lovingly used smartphone in his hand was occupying his mind. He didn't know exactly what to do, even if he acted like it. If there was one thing he did know, however, it was technology. Tony made sure he had Jarvis back up all the information, the notes, the pictures, the music that she lived by.

Tony tried multiple times to open the file to review it, but he found himself picking up the smartphone again and again. He was puzzled at first as he was sure she had a passcode to keep us, snoopy people, out, but she didn't have one when Fury passed it over. Not that it would make much of a difference since both Tony and Natasha were skilled at hacking with Clint having somewhat of a hand for it. Tony wasn't sure what Loki's abilities were, but he wouldn't put it past him. The rest of the team didn't have the technical ability or desire to pry... on Y/n at least. He came to the conclusion that since Shield looked through it they took the passcode off.

He kept flipping through somewhat familiar pictures and smiling at the old songs. 

He wasn't the only one who wasn't moving on from the loss. 

Natasha kept hacking into Shield and into the compound. She found all the security tapes with Y/n on them. Both Tony and Fury knew about it, but once they saw what she was looking at they let her be. She kept watching the footage, sometimes freezing the frame to see her smiling face, other times watching some of the happy moments together over and over again. Tony sometimes joined her. Not in person, but he would tap into her hacking session and watch what memories she would dig up. She was rarely alone while watching the recordings. Clint would join her. They sat in silence, hearts aching in tune, what would have happened if they had never dragged her into their missions? What if they were never friends in the first place? Fortunately, or maybe less so, they knew they couldn't turn back time, and loss was not new to them. With how long she had been gone, all they could do was hope she was dead, or if she wasn't, that she hasn't been suffering. 

Thor was having a hard time wrapping his head around how to cope. He knew she was gone, but his concept of loss seemed different than the others. Maybe it was because he was a god and he perceived time differently. Maybe he came to peace with it more easily, honor, bravery, a true warrior, all that jazz. Or maybe he just had more time and experience to learn to hide it better. Despite his jovial exterior, most seemed to forget that he was from outside of human understanding. 

Bruce buried himself in his work. He didn't want to talk to anyone, and if he did talk about Y/n everyone noticed an unnatural color rising up his neck. She was always kind to him, even if they were on a different page most of the time. He would have to leave the compound more often then he used to, get some fresh air. Tony didn't comment or complain when Bruce requested a jet to take him to a deserted wasteland. Sometimes it's best to just let it out and heaven knows the consequences to him bottling up the tension. 

Steve never claimed to be close to her. He never claimed to be coping either. He hid behind his veteran demeanor, his captain mask. Steve tried to fall into his formal numbness, going to his go-to, "she was a good soldier." That was, at least, until Tony snarled at him, "We are not soldiers!"

Loki made sure to tread carefully. He knew first hand how much she meant to the rest of them and the means they would go to defend her. He mellowed down the snark and even most of his presence for a while. He was well aware of how much he grated on the others. The rest of the team didn't look any closer at his behavior and just let him be. Loki wasn't sure if he was grateful for that or not. 

They all hit a little harder, ran a little faster, and worked a little longer. Caution was thrown to the wind, while also being increased ten-fold. Every camera was double, triple checked to be operational. Battles started to look more bloody, more messy, but oh so more satisfying. Backs were covered like an ironclad, but their own defenses had holes. 

They knew it couldn't last forever, wouldn't last forever. They had to move on. This wasn't the first time they had lost someone, far from it. They also knew it was going to be far from the last time. For now, they took pleasure in beating, bruising, breaking, cutting, killing, bleeding. They used their anger for a little chaotic good. 

The faint click and sliding sound of the shop door opening caused Tony to raise his head. He finally opened the file and started to review it, but the phone was sitting delicately under his fingertips on the bench. 

Loki walked in, his footsteps light, but his shoulders not so much. The tension grew in the room, both men could feel it. Both knew that something better be apocalyptic for Loki to disturb Tony. And that was usually the only time Loki even tried. 

"What do you want?" Tony was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially when he noticed the submissive body language that was so much different than when he usually saw him, but after the meeting with Fury and the stirred emotions of looking through the phone, Loki was standing on thin ice. 

Loki started picking at his palm, "I- I heard Fury allowed you to possess Y/n's phone."

"Yes?" There was no reason for Tony to be angry, yet, but everything was grating on his nerves anyway. 

Loki could hear the strain in Tony's voice and how he was trying to hold back. He tried to not be bothersome, but there was nothing Loki could do better. His eyes found their way to the phone just under Tony's fingers and he gestured a hand towards it, "May I?"

"Why do you care?! Are you going to break it like you almost broke her, huh?!" Tony exploded, his voice echoed around the machinery making his loud voice sound even louder. Tony wasn't sure why he brought it up. They had all gotten past it. No one really held a grudge from it anymore. Tony tried to reel himself in, but it wasn't working very well. He felt his throat clench and his eyes started to sting. He didn't say anything else for fear of what would slip out.

Tony didn't notice that Loki was slouching slightly until he straightened himself. His submissive demeanor faded, but he didn't turn aggressive, yet. "Y/n defended me when she had the power to leave me be and get injured, maybe die. I had yet to repay that debt. She was kind to me despite what I did to her. I understand your emotional state is tender at the moment. My apologies, I will take my leave." He silently turned around and began to head for the door.

Tony swallowed both his emotions and his pride, "No, wait, Loki."

Loki turned to the side so he could converse with Tony.

"I... I'm sorry," he nodded his head to himself, not sure what else to say. He tapped the phone screen gently with one of his fingers, thinking. After a couple of seconds, he picked it up from off the table, he held it out to Loki, "Here, take it."

Loki hesitated for a moment, that soft body language returned when he carefully took the phone from Tony's hand. He looked it over slowly, holding it with both hands. He turned the phone on and noticed there was no password. His eyes flashed with a bit of confusion, but then softened when he was able to see what apps she had. Loki's finger hovered above the music app when he came to it. He looked back up at Tony who was watching him curiously, "She liked her music, did she not?"

Tony let out a huff, "Yeah, I guess she did."

Loki nodded distractedly. He didn't say anything else before exiting the room just as quietly as he entered. 

Tony puffed his cheeks and slowly let out a big breath while releasing the tension in his body. He looked at the clean rectangle on the table where the phone once rested. He sighed and attempted to focus on the file that he got from Fury but with Loki's visit his mind returned to Y/n.

"Jarvis, double your efforts on searching for Y/n. I want you looking at everything, especially any Hydra communication we have access to. We have to pick up Shield's slack."

"Of course sir."


	18. Chapter 18

"Hello, Henry."

He sat down in the chair across from me and smiled resting his hands on the table for a moment, "It is so good to talk to you face to face again." 

"Can't say I return the pleasure." I slouched in my chair, hands resting in my lap, "So I take the medical trials and inventing didn't work out?"

His only reaction was a small twitch of his lip to a smirk, "You look very pretty."

I snorted.

"And you have the perfect amount of sass to match," he popped up from off the table and leaned back in his chair. "You are going to be a magnificent Queen. The perfect weapon and a beautiful companion after all that is over."

"Is that what you brought me down here for? To flirt? That's kinda a rude way to do it after the last couple of days, Henry"

"Now who's fault is that Mistress? And besides, I brought you down here so we can get to know each other better. I don't have a backup plan if you fail, so we better bond."

I raised my eyebrows, "You're not even going to use my name, are you?"

He gave me a small, innocent smile that portrayed confusion, "I don't know what you mean, Mistress." He adjusted his glasses that he wasn't wearing the first couple of times I met him, "so back to us getting to know each other. Childhood? Do you want me to go first?"

"Oh my gosh, you're going to give me your tragic back story."

He huffed out a laugh, "With that attitude, I'm not sure if I can wait for us to conquer the world to have you."

That shut me up quickly. I swallowed and looked at my hands, curling into myself.

"Did you have a happy childhood?"

I answered quickly, quietly, and made my responses short, "Sure."

"Siblings?"

"Something like that."

"Fond memories to look back on?"

My eyes snapped up to glare at him, "The past is the past, Henry."

He tilted his head to the side, "Fair enough. I guess it's my turn."

I stared at the table, at that moment I would have given almost anything to be back in that cell. There was an overbearing presence of two males in a small space and me still recovering from whatever they did to me in that room. My options did not look good.

"I loved my mother-- _Love_ her. She is what made me what I am today." He sounded happy, admiring, but my only thought was how twisted was she to make himwhat he is today. "She always encouraged me. You- you what she used to always say to me?" I heard him shift the chair a bit and I glanced up to see him sit up straight. "She used to say, 'You're going to be a king one day, Nor-- " he paused like he was catching himself, "Henry, You're going to be a king one day Henry.' Which I am! I'm gonna make it happen. And once _you_ become Queen you will stand by your King's side."

I swallowed stiffly, straightening my spine slightly, "What about your father?"

His demeanor changed with a snap, his light, forward aura switched to a darker one. "I guess I must admit he might have had a hand in it as well." True to his purpose of us 'getting to know one another,' he continued despite the obvious disdain, "he was a rude drunk. Never was nice, I don't even think when he was sober." His face was set in a slight frown, his eyes held anger not shown in the rest of his body language. 

That in itself made me even more uncomfortable, and I was scared of the fact that I almost felt bad for him.

"My mom, uh, she kept him at bay. Told me to do whatever necessary to get out of there." He leaned forward, drawing my eyes to his own, "What _ever_ necessary to become a King, even if it meant getting a little... dirty. But," he left a little of the dark, hard edge at the table when he lounged against the back of his chair, "he didn't go to waste."

A chill ran through my body, I did not like the sound of that.

"After all, he did give me the family business." There was a beat where he let what he said sink in. "Of course, I improved this branch a little bit I would like to think. Steered it back in the right direction. And, and, back to that little comment earlier," the shadow of the topic of his father seemed to vanish and he was back to the personality where he seemed like he was almost on a date. "I would like to think that the medical trials and inventing are working out quite well for me, don't you think?" He gestured to me sitting across from him.

"Are you saying you invented me?"

He shook his head with a smile, "no, I'm _reinventing_ you."

"And the medical trials?" I rolled my head to the side, my eyes drooping.

"Well, you did ask to be put on my list, and the effects have been nothing short of miraculous, yes?"

I sat up straight, "Okay, one: did you just say I was fat? And two: are you saying you gave me steroids?"

His eyes widened slightly, "Steroids are the closest _civilian_ thing to what we gave you."

I squinted at him when he didn't address my first point, but he remained silent. I was getting sick of this conversation, this room, this building, this everything. I was wondering if I could maybe eliminate the man across from me and maybe make this whole organization crumble. Cut the head off the snake. The guard on the side of the room discouraged me and I knew that if I killed Henry, another would take his place, and who knew if he was going to be as _nice_ as him.

His eyes tracked my movements while I squirmed in my seat, "Do you need something? A glass of water? What do you want?"

"I want to go home."

I watched the muscles in his jaw flex repeatedly before he decided to speak again, "Your home is with me, Mistress. You're going to need to learn how to adapt. You are going to have to be comfortable in all environments, in the dark, which I've noticed you like better, and in the light."

I looked at him, puzzled. The dark? I have barely been in the dark my whole stay here. My confusion quickly turned to fear when Henry issued an order to the guard beside me.

"She needs to loosen up a bit, become more fluid. Take her to the lightroom."

My hands clamped into the table in front of me, "No no no, I am not going back there. Henry. Henry!" 

My struggles didn't stop the guard from grabbing me and lifting me from the chair. He moved to smash my fingers to let go of the table, but Henry simply lifted a hand to stop him. He had a small, almost innocent smile on his face when he stood and leaned over the table. He reached his hands towards mine and started to softly stroke my hand with his thumb. The only problem was:

I flinched.

That was all of an opening the guard needed for him to tug just enough for my hands to slide off the table. The door opened behind me and the other guard stepped in to grab one side of me. 

Henry stepped up to the three of us while we were stopped at the doorway. He reached out and touched a strand of my crusty with sweat hair. I leaned away as much as I was able to get out of his reach and the strand of hair followed while still on the tip of his finger. We both watched as it fell.

With one nod from him, I was back to struggling against the burly men on either side of me. It didn't take long for them to haul me all the way back to the torture chamber and throw me in. I sat up and wiped the tears from off my face. My breathing was shakey and I trembled from fearful anticipation.

I didn't have to wait for long when the lights started to burn brighter and the prickling of my skin grew uncomfortable. I started to pant and lied down when I felt what little strength I had leave me. I hugged myself tightly to the point where I think I'll have bruises. I clenched my teeth as the stinging hot and cold covered my skin. I whimpered and groaned at the light. It seemed to be pounding down on me like a sledgehammer.

I let out cries of pain, but I found myself not needing to shriek. The light knives that were stabbing themselves into my eyes before were now nothing more than fingers, much less painful than before. While it wasn't stabbing pain, all I could see was white. Or maybe it was black. I'm gonna go in the middle and say it was the same sickly gray as the jumpsuit I was wearing.

I did find myself blacking out more, however. Maybe it was because I was already so weak. 

I started to think about my friends in an effort to distract myself. I started listing how I met each of the Avengers in order.

Clint at the shooting range.

Natasha in the sparring room.

Steve while prepping to take off on a mission.

Tony while on said mission. And with a few snarky remarks no less.

Thor was also there yelling about honor.

Bruce at the compound.

Loki... I met Loki while wandering the hallways of the compound.

I kept repeating the list over and over. 

I tried to switch to a song, or simply cry in silence, but the repetition had a soothing quality that my exhausted mind couldn't pass up. Whenever I tried to switch before I knew it I was back to the list. I didn't even notice I had stopped singing. All of this was in my head of course. 

Just like last time I drifted in and out of consciousness. I partially awoke when my body relaxed from its nearly permanent tense state. The lights started to dim and a voice sounded from an unknown location, but I knew exactly who it was. I'm pretty sure you do too.

"Hm, it looks like you got used to this quickly. We'll have to try something different next time."

I whimpered softly and the last thing I remembered was the feeling of hands grabbing my arms and the dizzying feeling of being yanked to my feet.

I woke up who knows how long later. The strange thing was that I felt almost normal when I woke up. I didn't feel the hangover or the exhaustion. I must have slept it off.

I looked over at Jaz, "Hey, how long have I been out?"

She shifted her curly hair out of the way so I got a clear view of her confused expression, "The same amount you usually sleep at night?"

"But I'm way too recovered after that lightroom session. I must have been passed out for far longer."

She shifted to face me fully, "Y/n you've been awake from that for three days at least. They've even taken you somewhere else a couple of times..." She leaned forward and rested her forearms on her knees, "Did you get amnesia or something? What's the last thing you remember?"

I forcefully framed my face in my hands, trying to remember. Desperately hoping I had just been dreaming, that I did remember the apparent days before. After breathing heavily for a few minutes I had to look back up at Jaz with tears pricking my eyes, I was scared about what this might mean, "Jaz, I don't remember leaving the room."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vibe song: Dust in the Wind by Kansas

And just like that, I watched what little was left of my life unravel, bit by bit. 

At least, that's what I would say if I was graced with a mirror, but alas 'twas not so.

I started to think that I was unconscious more often than awake anymore. That's not to say that my body was unconscious, no. I started to feel this dark presence in my brain. It was always stronger when I woke up, so the only conclusion that I can come to is that it's the one in control while I'm not. The other scary thought is that it doesn't feel new like it's been in my head for far longer than it's been controlling. Maybe it's all of those intrusive thoughts, bringing out the worst in me all bundled up into an artificial intelligence type thing that I used to call Noxy. Maybe it's still her just amplified. 

At first, I wondered if it was amnesia. Or maybe it was brainwashing. I've seen the files, they've done it before. But then I started to notice that Jaz always knew when I was awake. Maybe she just acted like that all the time despite the blackouts, but then I asked her about it. She said I moved differently, spoke a little funny. She said I wasn't quite me. I mean, I don't have first-hand experience in brainwashing or amnesia, but I'm pretty sure they don't change behaviors in-between splotches of memory blanks.

All I knew is there was nothing I could do about it. The harder I tried to grasp onto some bit of control, the faster the situation turned to smoke and slipped through my fingers. 

Jasmine kept telling me that they would escort me out of the cell, but by the time I woke up, I was back in the presence of Jaz with no recollection of the meetings outside the room went like. The only trips that I could remember anymore were the times I was thrown into the lightroom. The times where I didn't want to remember, were the only times I could remember, and it was so frustrating. The light itself only brought exhaustion now. Henry noticed and he ' _upgraded'_ the torture chamber. Now it administered shocks of electricity to increase the agony. I guess there was an upside in which I was never awake for the whole experience. I would blackout at some point and wake up what I'm assuming was a couple of days later.

I told myself I was going to fight through this. I was going to make it. But how do you fight against yourself? Suddenly those pills didn't look half bad. The only problem was that I wasn't awake enough to collect them. Jaz needed all the pain meds she could get, and I'm sure Noxy took the pills as quickly as they came, or even sent them back.

I decided I was going to make the most of what little time I had left. My sanity was slipping. My options were either to become as numb as my body; cry and scream, letting them win; or, I could sing. I could cherish what little time I had left. I could rebel against them in the only way I was able. 

So any chance I got I would sing, and I'd laugh, and I'd smile. 

"Hey, Jaz."

She looked over at me from examining the tips of her hair, "Hmm?"

"Do you know the song Get It On by T.Rex?" I couldn't help my mouth twitching up into a smile.

She scrunched up her face, "Yeah. Yeah, I do." She opened her eyes just to clarify, "Only the first verse and the chorus though."

I nodded at her, "same here."

" _Well, you're dirty and sweet."_ I started singing, seeing if she would join in.

She left a pause, but eventually sang the next line, " _Clad in black don't look back and I love you._ "

 _"You're dirty and sweet, oh yeah,"_ I sang, laying the charm on thick.

" _Well you're slim and you're weak."_ We both started giggling.

I had a hard time getting through the next line, " _You've got the teeth of the hydra upon you."_

There was quite a long pause where we were crying laughing. The irony was just too much to handle.

" _You're dirty sweet and you're my girl."_

We sang the chorus together, " _GET IT ON! BANG A GONG! GET IT ON!"_

Neither of us could get through the rest of the song, mostly because we didn't know the rest, but maybe a little bit from the laughing fit we just couldn't stop. 

One song I had stuck in my head for so long that Jaz eventually learned all the words as well as me.

She even started singing it to me one night,

_"You're leaving now  
It's in your eyes  
There's no disguising it  
It really comes as no surprise  
To find that you planned it all along._

_"I see it now  
Becomes so clear  
Your insincerity  
And me all starry-eyed  
You'd think that I would have known by now."_

It took me a little while to pull my head together. My eyes were drooping and looking at Jaz burned but despite that, I was able to continue the song after she took a breath.

_"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky  
This lie is over  
Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."_

Jaz picked up again and I let her smooth voice roll over me,

_"One thing is sure  
That time will tell  
If you were wrong  
The brightest ring around the moon  
Will darken when I die."_

I claimed this one stanza as my own and continued to sing it,

_"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky  
This lie is over  
Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."_

I could tell Jaz was having a rough night as her voice started to get thick.

_"You're leaving now  
It's in your eyes  
There's no disguising it  
It really comes as no surprise  
To find that you planned it all along_

_"I see it now  
Becomes so clear  
Your insincerity  
And me all starry-eyed  
You'd think that I would have known by now."_

I found my self finding it harder and harder to keep my eyes open, and my voice reflected it, becoming quieter.

_"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky  
This lie is over  
Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."_

Jaz, in turn, got quieter as well, but since she was on her side and facing me I could hear her loud and clear.

_"You're on your own  
Inside your room,"_

I had my eyes open enough to notice that she rolled over and it seemed like she was staring at the camera that was ever watching us.

_"You're claiming victory  
You were just using me  
And there is no one you can use now."_

I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer and felt myself drifting asleep as she sang the last lines.

_"One thing is sure  
That time will tell."_

That was the last time I saw Jasmine Okoro.

I woke up paralyzed. Stuck inside my own head. My body was moving of its own accord and no matter what I did I couldn't stop it. I finally got to really witness what I acted like when I wasn't awake. Strangely, I couldn't see everything either. It was like I had blinders on. I was looking through binoculars at what my hands were doing. I was sitting on my bed doing absolutely nothing. I could tell I was in a different room. The cots in my previous cell were bolted to the ground and the wall. This new room had only one bed, the one I was sitting on, and no evidence of there ever being a cot across from mine. The walls were perfectly white, the floor, perfectly smooth, at least, that's what I could tell without being able to control where my eyes were placed.

There was a dark cloud in my mind, surrounding me. When I stayed in the little corner of my head that I was shoved into, the fog was numbing, soft, but constricting. I tried to break out, move through it, but when I tried it became as strong and hard as a brick wall. No matter how hard I pounded on it, it didn't give. No matter how hard I screamed, there was silence. 

So I sat there. And I thought. And I thought. And I cried with no tears. 

I felt empty.

Occasionally Noxy would move around, and I now knew that I wasn't just forgetting. When she did move I took in as much of my surroundings as I would allow. She tenderly touched my inner elbow where I saw a new bruise. A black one. When her fingers brushed against it I could feel the pain shoot through the nerves and I flinched. But my body didn't.

A sense of dread overtook me. The wall came closer. I've seen the movies, read the files, heard the stories. This isn't gonna end well.

The door opened nearly silently, so much different than the room before. Noxy barely tilted my head to see who came in.

Henry walked in and sat on the bed next to me since there wasn't any other place to sit. Noxy scooted over to give him room and just looked at him. He examined my face for a long while, and I equally did so to him. What was he thinking? Did he know that I was still here? Or was he not happy with what I had become and was just going to get rid of me and start from scratch?

I couldn't tell.

After an agonizingly long time, he spoke, "If everything went according to plan..." He tilted his head a degree, "Mistress is either gone or locked away so far in that pretty little head of yours that she's never coming out. If you are still in there Mistress... you should be awake by now and I know you're listening." 

It felt like he was staring right at me. Not my body or Noxy, but me. Y/n M/n L/n. It was unsettling.

"We tried something different with you. Others are content with their brainwashing and memory wipes, but not for me and not for you," he gently tapped the tip of my nose and I desperately wanted to recoil. "It's just sanding the paint and putting a new coat on. The previous color is still there, you just can't see it. With you, it's more like deciding to put a brick wall in front of the drywall. It's a lot harder to go back if instead of peeling paint, it's grouted in." He paused, still staring into my eyes before lightening up, "But anyway," he took hold of my hand and I felt my lips widen into a polite smile, "I just came to see how you were settling in, and it looks like it's nicely."

He let my hand fall as he stood up and walked back to the door, right as he was about to step out he looked back at me. No, back at her. "Congrats on becoming my Queen."

Then, out of nowhere, my mouth opened, but my voice didn't come out. It felt different. Sounded different. It sounded... better, stronger, darker, everything I'm sure Henry wanted me to be. 

"Thank you for having me, my King."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: Get it on by T. Rex  
> Heat of the Moment by Asia


	20. Chapter 20

"Nick, what are we doing here?" Tony was leaning back in his chair of the conference room, not looking amused. "Couldn't you have just stuck it in a file?"

Nick Fury stood at the head of the table, looking at every one of the thirteen people in the room individually. "We've come upon some new information about a new branch of Hydra and its top weapon."

Pietro spun in his chair with a groan, "I thought we had gotten rid of them."

"Well, kinda like a Hydra, if you cut off one head, two more grow back in its place." Fury answered him in a patient tone that everyone knew wasn't going to stay for very long if he kept being interrupted. 

"Bold words about an organization with an octopus as its logo," Loki didn't even look up from his book that he didn't walk into the room with.

Clint swiveled to look at him in the corner of the room, "Loki, you gotta let it go."

"I will not!"

Fury began to talk loudly over them to regain their attention, "The organization changed its name to fit it's leader's dress up game, it now goes by The Kingdom, but as far as we are concerned, it is still Hydra."

"You mentioned a weapon?" Vision sat invested in the meeting, unlike most of the others. 

"That's what they are calling her, yes."

"How long has she been active?" Bucky spoke quietly, but firmly from his seat. 

Nick paused a moment, watching Bucky before he answered, "As far as we can tell at least three years."

"And you're just telling us now?!" Steve straightened in his seat, not happy with the lack of transparency. 

"Cool it, Rogers, they didn't have any information other than that she existed." Nat looked up from cleaning her nails.

Steve raised his eyebrows at her, "Oh, and they told you?"

"No."

Pietro started to roll his chair around the room, "Why is this meeting so long?" He dragged out the last word as he rolled around the table.

Loki used his foot to stop him when he approached, "If you don't stop whining I'm gonna make sure repayment is unnecessary."

"I owe you nothing!"

"I'm pretty sure saving your life is the definition of you owing me something."

"Blah!"

"Alright!" Sam yelled, throwing his hands in the air, sick of the bickering. "What kinda powers this chick got?"

Tony held a few fingers to his forehead, "Do I need to call anyone? The spider-kid, King Panther? Ant-dude? The wizards?" 

Nick took back control, "Not for now, Tony. We don't know where she is or where she is going to strike next. We know she is enhanced, but no one can figure out exactly if she has powers, and if she does, what they are. For now, we just need you to be aware. She is extremely skilled in infiltration and we have no idea what she looks like, just that she was able to take an extremely valuable target on their behalf at a high profile event we had under surveillance and walk out unnoticed, and unidentified." 

"So what you're saying," Rhodes spoke up for the first time, "is that we don't know what she looks like, don't know what she can do, but she's out there. So lookout."

Fury sighed, "Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying."

"So," Bruce looked at Fury, puzzled, "what do you want us to do?"

He shook his head, "I don't know."

There were a few beats of silence, no one knowing what to do.

Thor was leaning against the wall, listening quietly, believe it or not, "And her name?"

Throughout the meeting, Fury had been standing, but at this question, he sat down to answer it, "They're calling her The Queen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another rich diplomat. Another party. And of course what's a party anymore without either a murder or a kidnapping? The real question is: why not both?

That's how it's been lately. The missions Noxy goes on are usually parties, balls, banquets. She goes in, gets the target alone with baffling ease, and either extracts the information herself right then and there, or delivers him to fellow agents and wipes her hands clean. 

I've grown used to what she's doing. No matter how long or hard I tried to break free from the cage I was trapped in, nothing changed. Not even a blink. 

So I stopped trying. I watched. I watched as she murdered. I watched as she tortured. I watched as she developed the unimaginable powers that were given. I watched as she became everything I wanted to be. I watched as she became everything I didn't.

I learned how to block out a lot of things that she did. It was manageable to block out one sense, usually sight. It got hard when I had to block two, and it became impossible if it grew to three. Touch was the hardest to stop. It was especially frustrating when that was all I wanted to block out. 

The target was some rich dude with high standing in some organization that had some information that Henry needed. The briefings were the one time I was consistently not paying any attention. Once again her sights were placed upon a well dressed, old, white, balding man. The white dress that clung to my figure must have made my body irresistible to well dressed, old, white, balding men because while Noxy skirted just outside his circle, his eyes followed. 

Just like all the others, he was caught hook, line, and sinker. 

It was simple really, it was almost like there was a formula. Champagne glass half full held delicately by the fingertips. A casual lean against the bar, the leg with the slit slightly out-turned to show an inch or two of more skin. 

They all think they're playboys. Just once I can't wait for Noxy to have to think of something different when having to get a well-respected scientist who loves his wife away from the crowd. 

With a sultry stare and flirty introductions, a witty remark and the swing of the hips and they're gone from the crowd. His hand was planted at the small of her back, but the farther we strayed from the crowd the farther his hand strayed. 

The mansion the banquet thingy was being hosted at was nice. It was nice as all of the other mansions were. He guided Noxy down a long hallway, farther and farther from all the people who could protect him. He eventually came to a large bedroom and opened the door, allowing Noxy to go in first. 

I knew what was about to happen, so I started the theme song that I had come up for her.

_I think I did it again_   
_I made you believe we're more than just friends_   
_Oh baby_   
_It might seem like a crush_   
_But it doesn't mean that I'm serious_   
_'Cause to lose all my senses_   
_That is just so typically me_   
_Oh baby, baby_

He closed the door with a barely noticeable click and began to approach Noxy. Unfortunately for him, she wasn't in the mood. 

_Oops, I did it again_   
_I played with your heart, got lost in the game_   
_Oh baby, baby_

She picked at her nails for a moment before his eyes grew wide looking at her hands. The reason for his stare was the black pigment that spread from her fingertips up her arms. 

_Oops, you think I'm in love_   
_That I'm sent from above_

He started to turn around, but Noxy was too fast for him. The darkness was too fast for him. 

_I'm not that innocent_

A cloud, a shadow, that's what was emitted from her hands that engulfed the target's head and face. It was there for a moment, then it was gone just as quickly. His body collapsed to the ground, unconscious. 

_You see my problem is this_   
_I'm dreaming away_   
_Wishing that heroes, they truly exist_   
_I cry, watching the days_   
_Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways_   
_But to lose all my senses_   
_That is just so typically me_   
_Oh baby, oh_

With the target on her shoulder, she walked away from the bedroom window towards the extraction point, with heels on still, mind you.

_Oops, I did it again_   
_I played with your heart, got lost in the game_   
_Oh baby, baby_   
_Oops, you think I'm in love_   
_That I'm sent from above_   
_I'm not that innocent_

The mansion was built in a remote part of the world, surrounded by a forest with at least a hundred miles of privacy. Noxy scaled the uneven terrain easily enough, though she did occasionally hike up her skirt and push off of the trees to give her momentum. 

_Oops, I did it again to your heart_   
_Got lost in this game, oh baby_   
_Oops, you think that I'm sent from above_   
_I'm not that innocent_

I'm not sure how long I've watched her go on these missions. I'm not sure when the last time was when I blinked of my own free will. It feels like a lifetime, but it also feels so close, like only yesterday I could brush my fingers through my hair and if I just pushed a little harder, I could do it again. I've been in here for months, I know, but if those months added up to a year or more, I had no idea.

_Oops, I did it again_   
_I played with your heart, got lost in the game_   
_Oh baby, baby_

Somehow, out of all the hundreds of miles of trees and darkness, Noxy came upon a pair of men. They looked to be surveiling. I had no idea who they worked for, but I could tell they were professionals. They saw Noxy too late, which is hilarious since she's wearing a stark white dress and heels with a man on her shoulder. Though she was naturally quiet, there's only so much you can do to muffle that sound. Noxy didn't even have to shift the target from her shoulder when she fired up her shadow hands, but she was not so merciful to these agents. From her fingers flew a beam of darkness. Technically I could barely see it from the combination of speed and the lack of light. The trees above carefully shielded the ground from the shine of the moon and her sister stars. 

_Oops, you think I'm in love_   
_That I'm sent from above_

I've seen maybe thousands of beams just like it though. It mimicked the shape of an icicle, though made of shadows or some sort of unidentifiable pitch-black material. The first man fell to the ground with a gaping hole at the base of his throat. The second attempted to draw a weapon but was struggling to get the gun out of its straps. Noxy took the time to walk closer to him until they were no farther than a few feet away. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I'm sure he could see the indifference or maybe even pleasure in hers. She sent a spear of shadow into his stomach. She wanted him to die slowly. Or at least with how much blood was coming from the wound, slower. 

He fell to the ground and tried to crawl away backward all the while trying to keep the blood inside his body. 

Noxy didn't care anymore for him and left him to suffer in the dirt. She continued on in her mission.

_I'm not that innocent_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

The Avengers were gathered in the common room for some downtime when F.R.I.D.A.Y caught everyone's attention.

"Director Nick Fury is calling."

"Put 'im on," Tony waved his hand as he sat down on the couch. 

Fury was projected onto the screen in the common room and he was relieved to see that everyone was already there.

"What's up?"

Fury took a breath as if to prepare himself for what he was about to say, "We have a singular feature to identify The Queen with."

Everyone suddenly became quite serious and sat up in their seats. The more anxious ones scooted closer and were barely on the cushions waiting for him to elaborate. 

Pietro was curious, but not too worried, "Only one?"

"Our informant died before we could get any more of a description."

Pietro swallowed but didn't speak again.

Fury had a grave look on his face as he revealed what they had to look for,

"She has black eyes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Oops! I Did it Again by Britney Spears


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry guys for skipping last week. Werds was hurd so I decided to post this a day early.

Clint sat alone in the observatory area looking over the training area. The twins were doing their training exercises on their respective sides of the room. He was lost in his thoughts. Ones he desperately wanted a map for. 

"Well look who it is." Natasha walked into the room from the door behind Clint. 

Clint didn't acknowledge her presence; he just sat in silence, staring at the young pair below him minding their own business.

"Miss, Mr. Barton currently does not have his hearing aids in. He cannot hear you."

As Friday was talking a light blinked in Clint's line of vision. He perked up and looked over his shoulder to see Natasha walking around the chairs to sit by him. His eyes flicked from her mouth to her hands, waiting for her to talk. 

[You're having a bad day] Natasha signed at him once she sat down and twisted to face him.

[I guess you could say that] Clint paused, not sure what else to say, but eventually continued on describing the thoughts and feelings swirling in his mind. He first jerked his head to the side towards the window facing the training area, [Doesn't that look familiar? A young agent in the training room, training with hardly any attention put on the world around her? All she wanted to do was succeed, Nat] Clint's head and eyes hung heavy with sorrow and regret. 

Natasha, as quick on her toes and tongue as she was, had to think about what to say to him. 

She didn't get to answer before Clint began to shake his head with an obviously forced smile and airy chuckle, [How long has it been? 5 years?]

[6 years 1 month 11 days] Natasha quickly signed to correct him.

There was a pause, Clint blinking at her, before he signed back, [You're having a bad day too.]

Natasha bit her lip, feeling a bit foolish. [I think everyone is having a bad day.]

Natasha would be right, as always. Throughout the compound, the team was dealing, somewhat poorly in some cases with the various feelings of loss. There were only two people who were blissfully unaware of the emotional turmoil rolling around the building and they were in the training room.

Luckily, most of them weren't alone. Even if they wanted to be. 

It's both amazing and sometimes scary how in sync the Avengers are with each other. I'm not even sure who or what triggered it, but nearly the whole compound was feeling the absence of a particular young woman.

They could all be found in separate spaces, some started off alone, but didn't stay that way. Clint in the observational area with Natasha coming to join.

Tony was working in his workshop on some new groundbreaking invention when Rhodey knew he didn't want to be alone. Eventually, they flipped through some pictures. Rhodey didn't get to know her since he was so busy in the military at the time, but he knew how much she meant to Tony. To everyone.

Steve could be found in his room next to a desk. He's been picking up drawing again these days. He was particularly broody which caused Bucky's Steve sense to tingle. Bucky was sitting on the bed, watching Steve doodle, as Sam tried to push him off so he could sit down. Their bickering left Steve with a grateful chuckle. Bucky and Sam never got to meet her, but the way the team talked about her made them smile.

Many would have thought Bruce would be working himself to sleep in his lab, but even doctors need some fresh air. He was outside lying in the grassy field. He liked to watch the consistent repetition of Thor and Vision passing each other Mjolnir. Repetition was good for their minds. It was mechanical and didn't need much, if any, thinking. They seemed to forget sometimes that Vision remembers Y/n. He is so much different than Jarvis, after all.

And that accounts for everybody... except for one.

I don't wish you to think bad of him. Or to pity him either.

Instead, I want you to be proud. Loki has bonded with the team enough to be in sync with them. The team trusted him enough to leave him alone and knew when he needed to be.

He tended to wander around his room. His pride was large, but even he had to break down a little. Eventually, he couldn't take it any longer, so he opened a drawer and pulled out a little box stuck in the back corner. He rarely looked at it anymore, but he could never become even close to getting rid of it.

Lifting the lid, the shiny surface of an old smartphone looked back at him. He wiped the dust off with his pants and sat at the head of his bed. Before he turned it on he examined the corners and edges of the case. The color was worn, fading to the white plastic underneath.

He flipped it over a couple more times before turning it on and unlocking it. Y/n was smiling up at him, surrounded by the goofy faces of the Avengers. Loki was not included in the picture. He couldn't remember why anymore. Knowing himself, he probably rolled his eyes at the time.

He smiled a bit bitterly before opening the music app. He put it on shuffle and let the soft notes of the opening chords play out through the speakers. Listening to her music left him feeling like he was getting to know her better even though she wasn't there. 

_I thought I knew you well_   
_But all this time I could never tell_   
_I let you get away_   
_Haunts me every night and every day_

He opened her gallery and started to scroll through the pictures. A lot of them were pictures of the team having fun. Even more pictures were of seemingly random objects, but no one could deny they looked cool or pretty. Loki smiled when he would get to a picture that had both of them in it together. 

_You were the only one_   
_The only friend that I counted on_   
_How could I watch you walk away_   
_I'd give anything to have you here today_

He missed her. There weren't very many times they were together alone, but he finally thought that he was building friendships when Y/n disappeared, and hers was one he really wanted to cherish. He thought he was making things right. He wished she hadn't been taken or left, or whatever happened to her. Whatever the reason, Y/n was gone, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

_But now I stand alone with my pride_   
_And dream that you're still by my side_

_But that was yesterday_   
_I had the world in my hands_   
_But it's not the end of my world_   
_Just a slight change of plans_

He sighed when he scrolled through all the pictures. He had his nostalgia. He knew there was nothing to be done. He has to move on, he _has_ moved on, but a day of remembrance to keep everyone sober is appropriate. Maybe even necessary. 

He quickly looked at the battery to see it was running a bit low. He pulled out a charger he got from Tony and plugged in the phone, shutting it off in the process. Loki made it so the phone could charge while still in the box and closed the lid. He placed the box gently back in its place in the drawer. He closed it softly with a sigh.

_That was yesterday_   
_But today life goes on_   
_No more hiding in yesterday_   
_'Cause yesterday's gone_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arguably, the worst part of this whole ordeal was the deafening silence that I experienced. The natural noises of civilization, of people, of, anything living, in particular, was absent. I couldn't even hear the rumble of a machine, the beep of the camera (yes, there is still one in my room. Don't ask me, they're creeps), or the settling of the building. 

The way I tried to overcome it was to use my vast knowledge of music to sing to myself. Some people have said that music was the only thing I used my head for, but I didn't really mind. Look what it's doing for me now, it's keeping me sane.

Music and just burying myself in the memories. I had to block out reality somehow, and my imagination was severely tainted with my inner turmoil, so I settled on the Avengers to bring a smile to my imaginary face. Ya know since I can't use my own.

_Love, my love I gave it all  
Thought I saw the light  
When I heard you call  
Life that we both could share  
Has deserted me  
Left me in despair_

Sometimes they made me sad. I took what I had for granted, now I have no idea if I'm even going to see them again, let alone get to talk to them, laugh with them, cry, smile, do anything. Sometimes I wish I would never see them again. It's obvious that I'm not going to break free of whatever mad science/voodoo they put on me. I really don't want to face them. 

_But now I stand alone with my pride  
Fighting back the tears I never let myself cry_

I vaguely heard an alarm going off, it was different than any other alarm I'd heard. I knew it wasn't a fire alarm, I had heard that one plenty of times. I didn't pay much mind to it, there wasn't anything I could do anyway. The equivalent feeling of my heart clenching came to mind when I knew my daydreams wouldn't continue. It's been a rough... Forever.

_But that was yesterday  
Love was torn from my hands  
But it's not the end of my world  
Just a little hard to understand_

I told myself I was going to make it. I don't know for how much longer, but I was going to make it. I started to pay more attention to the groups of running soldiers, armed with weapons I had only caught glimpses of. Noxy suited up into her protective white jumpsuit. The sleeves only went to her elbows to show off her powered up black-gloved hands. I couldn't deny that I liked the combat boot style they gave me, but I didn't understand Henry's obsession with the color white.

It's been talked about how some of Henry's bases have been put under attack. Most were of rival organizations. You'd be surprised how many there are. From the looks of it whoever is attacking, out of all the bases available, had the luck to choose the one I was kept in. 

Noxy walked the power walk of all power walks approaching the sounds of gunfire. The lights flickered and dimmed as she past. I felt the power within me surge as they did, the shadows powering me up. There was a group of agents just down the hall and they were under fire. Agents rushed by me as reinforcements. I couldn't see who the attackers were yet, but I could see debris flying from around the corner of the T in the hallway. 

The agents had a strange mixture of fear and respect as Noxy approached. Another day at the office. They were dropping like flies and I could hear that the intruders were breaking down the defenses very quickly. The few agents who could, moved out of Noxy's way so she could stand in the middle of them and face the attackers.

_That was yesterday  
But today life goes on  
You won't find me in yesterday's world  
Now yesterday's gone_

She reached the center of the group and turned a perfect ninety degrees in the open hallway. Time seemed to slow down for a moment as I saw who was on the other side of the flashing lights that promised pain. I was only prepared for the physical pain of gunshots, but instead, I got the agony of heartbreak. 

There was a moment where Noxy stood and assessed the situation. At that moment, so many things flashed across my mind as I soaked up what was in front of me. Familiar faces looked back at me and I had never felt more trapped. They froze when they looked at my face. All hands started to lower for a second, but only one. 

The Avengers all had mirrored expression of horror, shock, disbelief. I wanted to cry, laugh, collapse. I wanted to do anything. Anything other than what my body showed. Noxy's gaze remained stoic as she maintained eye contact. 

I don't know if it was something in the shots they gave me, or how wide they were stretching their eyes, but I could see the whites of them, even if they were at least 20 yards away. I tried to memorize the shades of blue and green looking back at me. I only wish I could have seen Tony's eyes, but he had his helmet on, the only reason I could tell he recognized me was the repulsors in his hands dimmed. 

The moment came to an end all too quickly. Without batting an eye Noxy formed a plate of darkness and sent it to push the attackers back. She then hit specific points in the walls causing the ceiling to collapse. The way was blocked off completely. 

Just like the physical walls of the building, it felt like the walls that were holding me away from control started to contract. For the first time in months I screamed; I cried out for any type of deliverance. I wanted to curl up into the fetal position with tears rolling down my face as I yelled until I was too tired to stay awake any longer.

I felt numb as Noxy walked away and the agents rushed around her to start the evacuation process.

For the years, I'm sure it's been years now, I've been stuck in this place I've relied on the happy memories to try and drown out the horrors I've seen. I didn't know for sure, but I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be like that anymore.

_Goodbye yesterday  
Now it's over and done  
Still I hope somewhere deep in your heart  
Yesterday will live on_

I just hoped I would be able to see anything other than betrayal painted on their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: That Was Yesterday by Foreigner


	22. Chapter 22

Usually, the team goes to Nick for missions and debriefs. This time, however, Nick came to the compound. 

Thor and Bruce looked sympathetically at the four sporting bruises and holding ice packs to black eyes. Thor and Bruce didn't go into the compound and Loki was a bit more durable and healed faster than the others. One thing that everyone had in common that went on that mission was the shock.

The twins, Rhodey, Vision, Sam, and Bucky had all gotten the day off. It was kind of cruel irony, the ones who knew her, laughed with her, got to discover her previously unknown fate. 

"And you're sure about this?" Nick sat at the front of the room trying to wrap his head around what they had told him.

The five all voiced their own "yes."

"You're positive?"

"Unless Y/n has a twin sister that looks exactly like her that you don't know about, then yeah, pretty positive." Tony gingerly reapplied his ice pack to the back of his skull where his head hits his helmet. "Friday, throw up the footage."

A screen opened up to show what was recorded from Tony's helmet. The feed was fast-forwarded to where Y/n walked into view amid the Hydra agents. Once her full face was shown the footage stopped and zoomed in close. 

"Unless I'm mistaken, I believe Y/n's eyes are very much black."

"Right you are my favorite android." Tony waved his finger haphazardly at Vision across the table.

Nick sat down and swiveled his chair to face the screen, "It looks like we found our missing Queen."

"Are we sure it's even her?" Sam looked apologetic for even suggesting such a thing, but skeptical all the same, "Could she be some sort of evil twin or somethin'?" Everyone couldn't help but flick their eyes to Wanda and Pietro at the mention of twins. 

"No, Sam, it's her," Nick was looking at the screen.

"How can you tell?"

"There are stretch marks on her neck. Those are extremely hard to mimic and are in an unusual place."

Everyone was a bit freaked out.

Tony was squinting at the screen, "How can you even see that?"

Nick didn't answer so Tony looked to Natasha for an answer since she knew everything, but she didn't even acknowledge him.

Pietro looked more puzzled than the others, "Why would she have stretch marks on her neck?"

"Hey, Loki," Clint had a barely noticeable smirk on his face, "why don't you explain."

"That is a long story that does not need to be explained at the moment."

Bruce started the video again and watched it play through for a couple of minutes, studying Y/n's face. "There isn't even a hint of recognition in her face," he turned to look at the others in the room, "what could they have done to her?"

Rhodey started counting on his fingers, "She's been missing for what? Six years?"

Vision finished for him, "And The Queen has surfaced a little under four years ago."

"She must have seen many horrors in those two years." Thor looked solemn, not wanting to look at the screen.

"Good to see you can do basic math, brother." Loki tried to sneer, but it turned more into a wince than anything. 

Thor sent a half-hearted glare back at him.

"They must be doing something a lot harder and faster to cut down the time table that quickly from when I was in there." Bucky swallowed while he had his eyes locked on the table.

Steve had a hand on Bucky's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze to show that he was safe there. Bucky nodded back at him to show he appreciated it. 

"Maybe she's weak." Pietro was snapping his gum rather loudly but soon started to shrink back into his seat when he felt the glares.

"Or she could have gone with them willingly." Everyone froze as they looked over at Wanda. At first, she didn't notice the stares, but her magic tapped into the overall vibe of the room and she became a little uneasy.

"I would watch what you say about Ms. Y/n, Wanda." Vision had a look of warning when he looked at her, but she could tell that he wasn't excluding himself from it. "She is well respected not only by the people in this room but many outside of it as well."

Wanda's eyes wandered to see what exactly Vision was talking about. She noticed that Bruce had hints of green peeking out of his shirt collar. Loki had wisps and sparks of green winding around his fingers. Everyone else had twitching fingers or were flexing their jaws, struggling to stay calm. Or in Natasha's case, she was deadly still. What really drew her attention was everyone's hair sticking up at the static electricity. The source of which was the glow from Thor's eyes and the lines of lightning running up and down the space in between his fingers.

She mumbled out an apology and tucked her head down, not speaking a word more. 

Steve was the first to speak again as he turned to face Nick, "How do you want to proceed, Fury?"

Nick sighed and leaned forward, templing his hands on the table. "We continue on missions as usual, but I want to adjust one thing on the teams. I want Loki on all the missions from now on." Nick focused on Loki, "You can get a break once we catch her. I want you to focus on getting in her head, try to communicate with her, find a weakness so we can take her down, anything."

"I can do that Fury," Wanda carefully peeked at him, tilting her head towards him.

"I know Wanda, but I still want Loki to supervise even when you're there. He has a lot more practice than you." He turned his attention to everyone else in the room, "She's an asset, and I would prefer if she was undamaged."

' _Any more than she already is.'_

Wanda read the thought from someone's head, but as everyone stood to leave, the commotion caused her to lose the link with whose ever mind she was reading before she could identify exactly who it was. 

Wanda didn't enjoy invading people's privacy by reading their minds... That was a lie. She knew she wasn't _supposed_ to enjoy invading privacy, at least, that's what they keep telling her every time she lets it slip that she's doing it. Honestly, she didn't really see a reason not to, if they can't tell she's doing it, why bother to stop. (If only she could keep her mouth shut.)

She asked Loki once if he was reading everyone's minds since she knew he was more than capable of doing so. He told her, no, his reason being "Why would you do that when there other ways of obtaining information that are far more fun."

She didn't ask what those were.

Wanda only tried to read his mind once but it was heavily shielded. She couldn't get past them and the look he gave her and the gleam in his eye made her not want to know what was in his head.

The team rarely, if ever, talked about Y/n as a group. As stated before they would talk about her more in pairs on a particularly hard day. 

Wanda didn't know much about her, but with this new revelation coming to light there was no way she was going to leave anything in the dark. The Avengers were growing soft and sentimental. Wanda didn't have any biases about this chick and if no one was going to tell her about her, well, Wanda was just going to have to play a little dirty. 

She wandered through the compound, drifting just close enough to rooms where members of the team resided to be able to skim their thoughts and memories. 

The more she drifted, the more frustrated she got. Wanda wasn't sure what she was expecting, some dirty little secret or maybe, hopefully, some sort of weakness. Instead, all she was getting was waves of sadness, confusion, and fond memories. There was no useful information in everything she skimmed through, just inconsequential things, like what she would have wanted her superpower to be, surprise surprise, she didn't get anywhere close, or that she had impressive karaoke skills. 

Wanda's frustration caused her to not be so subtle in her investigating and she began to dive deeper into the minds of those around her. She finally made her way around to Bucky's room and instantly dove into his mind to see what the scoop was from him. 

She regretted it quickly.

Bucky was trying to figure out what exactly they could have done to Y/n in the space of two years to have that much control over her. In order to do that he had to go over what exactly they did to him. Bucky lasted for nearly twenty years before breaking. He thought over all the types of torture and brainwashing they put him through, not without a flinch or two. What in the world could they have done to this agent that he hadn't even met, to make her not have a shred of recognition in the span of _two years?_

Pietro's comment did cross his mind a time or two, ' _What if she's weak?'_ It didn't say for long, however, from what he's heard about her from Steve, Natasha, Clint, even Tony a few times, she was strong-willed. And to be a Shield agent? That job isn't for the weak of heart.

He tried to stop thinking about it, but his heart ached for another soul crushed, just like his. He only hoped he could maybe help her. If they ever found her again. 

Wanda found it hard to tear herself away from such thoughts. She tried, but they just kept drawing her into the heartbreak, the pain. By the time she was able to detach herself from the web of horrors that was Bucky's thoughts, Wanda was emotionally exhausted. 

She had finally found a consequence of reading someone's mind: sometimes you really don't want to know. 

She had to retire to her own room and sort out all the stuff she had learned, but she had also decided that maybe she shouldn't be using her powers so liberally. Maybe learning about this Y/n wasn't worth it. Maybe she should just leave it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a confession to make. I had stopped being really proactive in my head for the past couple of months (I'm assuming a timeline here). Due to that, I could feel the dark walls around me becoming soft and pliable. They weren't pliable to me, but Noxy started to invade the little space I had. It was almost like I was being eaten. The part of my body's consciousness that was me was slowly disappearing. I didn't fight back either. What was the point? 

I had never allowed myself to make up scenarios about meeting the Avengers again, about them saving me, helping me, beating me. It only made my helplessness feel worse. But now? Despite everything I tried, it was the only thing I could think about. Over and over again, different options, conversations, deaths came to mind about how this could end.

' _What if I could talk to them?'_

_'What if I somehow gained control and could join them in the middle of battle?'_

_'What song could be playing to somehow give them a clue of how to beat Noxy?'_

That was the one I chose to entertain the most. I tried to sort through my music library but with music as my natural defense system, the lyrics seemed to be slipping away from my grasp into the dark expanses of my mind. I could only hope that the melodies were also engraved on my heart so that they could never be taken from me. 

The song that I chose that could maybe give them the best clue was Blinded by the Light by what's-his-face-that-starts-with-an-m. 

I became obsessed with it. Its words were one of the songs that were slipping away, and I could only mumble a few of the lines, but by heaven did I sing them.

Over.

And over.

And over.

Again. 

And again.

And then maybe once more. 

_Blinded by the light..._  
revekjsmed up like a dochewekf.   
Ansldkjthor rumner in the night!

' _Please find me. Take me down. Kill me, I don't care. I need out.'_

The more I thought about it, the more I became a slave to the song, to myself, to the darkness keeping me imprisoned...

Maybe I wasn't as sane as I would like to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Blinded by the Light by Manfred Mann's Earth Band


	23. Chapter 23

The mind is a tricky place.

Effortless to become lost in, easy to meddle with, hard to break, difficult to control, and nearly impossible to put back in its place. 

The mind requires both precision and respect. Neither can be given as a gift, only learned. Usually, they are developed together along with the ability to penetrate the mind. Wanda was given the ability without the required time for respect. Perhaps deep inside she knew it, that that was why Loki was placed in charge of the mission of Y/n's mind. She was still sharpening her magic's blade to be a steel knife. Loki, on the other hand, was sharper than obsidian. 

That's why in the heat of battle, the Avengers were put in charge of keeping the opposing agents at bay and away from Queen and Loki while also defending themselves from attacks. It is well within Loki's abilities to multitask with mind magic and dueling, but this was a special case. Loki hung closer to the back and threw up a shield for good measure. He put minimal attention to the battle around him with occasionally taking out an agent if needed.

The rest of his focus and energy was put into exploring the folds and shadows of what used to be Y/n's mind. The surface was worryingly dark to him, not at all what he imagined the original Y/n's mind to be. 

He dug deeper and found it somewhat difficult, every mind is different and has a different 'texture' and consistency, but Y/n's functioned differently than anyone he had ever seen. It was like it was actively trying to keep him out, with half a moment of pushing through sludge, to falling forward suddenly with thin and lightning-fast decisions of battle. It was puzzling, usually only those with mental abilities are able to protect themselves or even sense someone was infiltrating the mind unless the infiltrator specifically makes contact. As far as they knew she didn't have any mental magic, but he pushed through to see what was bouncing around in there. He was able to get far enough to start seeing flashes of assignments and missions that were numbered many times more than they had ever thought. 

Some were horrific and brutal. Some were stealth with her blending with the shadows like she was born there. It was fascinating... and almost nauseating. Eventually, he had to refocus himself on what his actual mission was: make contact, try to see how much of the old, the good Y/n is still in here, and find if there are any weaknesses they could use.

He repeated her name over and over to himself to keep him on-mission. As he did so the pattern around him changed as if she was only then made aware of his presence. 

A voice spoke to him that sounded only vaguely familiar, _'Y/n is not here.'_

Loki realized he must have mistakenly projected his thoughts into telepathy instead of privately. At first, he wondered if he remembered her voice incorrectly since it has been so long since he's heard it, but the dark and almost unnaturally smooth quality told him otherwise. He believed her--partly--he believed that he was not talking to Y/n. ' _To whom am I speaking then?'_

_'I've gone by many names as I'm sure you've seen on some of those files. Around here they just call me Queen. Y/n seems to think that I've evolved and have always been here, she calls me_ _Noxy_ _. You may call me what you like.'_

There was a spark of hope at her words, _'So Y/n is here.'_

There was a pause, _'She won't be for long. I'm actually surprised that she's lasted this long. Existing anyway. Not surprised at the state she's in.'_

That was all it took for Loki to dig deeper into her mind, leaving whatever abomination was controlling Y/n's body to try to find something, anything to stop the rampage and hopefully save the woman he would like to call his friend. 

He went farther past the missions, the strategies, and manipulation 101. He was about to give up on trying to find Y/n and start scavenging to find weaknesses when he approached the far reaches of her mind. That's when he began to hear faint traces of music. He followed it to a small corner that didn't reflect the dark sludge around him. It was colorful and light, but he didn't fail to notice the fingers of dark shadows invading the area, causing it to fade and turn a bit grey. 

The rhythm of decisions being made now made sense. The brain does not have the ability to truly multitask. Instead, it switches back and forth between tasks quicker than we can register. Her mind wasn't trying to keep him out, her mind was just switching between this Noxy character and Y/n.

The song seemed familiar, but the lyrics being sung hardly made sense. 

_Blinded by the light..._   
_revekjsmed_ _up like a_ _dochewekf_ _._   
_Ansldkjthor_ _rumner_ _in the night!_

He tried to reach out to her, calling her name, but nothing seemed to snap her to pay any attention to him. It was just that snippet of a song playing on a loop and scrambled flashes of pictures, memories, all of them incoherent. 

He would be lying if he said it didn't scare him. Not even his own thoughts were ever this disarranged, and he has been called mad far more than his fair share of times. It became abundantly clear that he wasn't going to get through to her and he began to lose the small spark of hope that he got before. 

Loki did the mental equivalent of sitting down with a huff and tried to think of what to do next. This was becoming more difficult than he had hoped. As he sat there he really paid attention to the music since that was the only thing Y/n was giving him. 

He must admit that it took longer than it should have for the song to click and that maybe Y/n was trying to tell him something through it. It nearly broke his heart that even when she didn't have all of her pieces put together that she was still trying to give them something to work with. Something to beat her with. 

At least, that's what he hoped she was doing. He kinda wanted a deep moment.

Loki snapped back to the battle outside of his mind and smacked his head for all of them being so stupid, including himself, but he wasn't going to say that out loud. 

"Stark!" Loki yelled through the comms, throwing himself back into the battle.

"What? What have ya got?" Tony continued to blast at black spears being launched at him and Hydra agents that kept coming and didn't seem to have an end. 

Loki flung daggers with deadly accuracy while slicing down any agent that came into his path, "What is the opposite of darkness?"

"Really? You're gonna give me riddles? Light... Light is the opposite of dark."

"And if there is enough light?"

"No darkness at all."

Loki nodded to himself, "Do you think we can get enough light?"

There was a pause while Tony did some calculations, "I don't know, but we can damn well try."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had that feeling when you're zoned out and someone calls your name but you don't notice until five minutes after the fact? I was so focused on the song... It was so important. When I snapped out of making sure the song kept playing, something was different. 

I couldn't put my finger on it--figuratively or literally--what exactly was different, I mean, I'm the only one who could rearrange things in my little corner, so maybe I was just going crazy. More crazy anyway.

I spent a moment puzzling over the strange feeling before I felt her body succumb to waves of exhaustion out of nowhere. I hadn't felt that kind of exhaustion in a long time, but I knew what it was all too well. It reminded me of the lightroom.

I was scared, I hadn't been in the lightroom since Noxy took over, but maybe something changed.

I finally decided to see what was going on in the outside world and I wasn't sure if I was going to like what I saw. I didn't want to see the stark white walls and the electric shocks. I tentatively paid attention to what was going on and a bittersweet feeling overcame me.

Noxy had her hands out and tried to shoot her spears of darkness at the Avengers... and others I didn't recognize. The pitch-black material that made up her weapons became smaller and smaller, not flying as far as they normally would, and some even fizzled away at her fingertips. I could tell that we didn't have the energy to keep the fight going.

The reason why is that everywhere I could see there were lights shining on me. Lights from the building behind me, some sort of aircraft above me had a spotlight trained on me, and every Avenger that was able had some sort of light fixed on me. They weren't perfect. There were shadows that Noxy was pulling energy from, but they were small and the sheer force and brightness of the light coming from Thor's lighting, Tony's repulsors from both of the suits, even Cap had his shield reflecting light at me, it all made it so the shadows weren't enough.

Nevertheless, the light wasn't enough to drop us. 

Since she could draw upon the shadows, Noxy pulled out a gun and a whip from her belt.

All at once, I could hear everyone I had ever met, including myself say, "Kinky."

I didn't remember ever seeing it before, let alone using it, training with it. For a moment I felt like Indiana Jones with the bullwhip at her side. I could see it wasn't perfectly smooth and that there were bits and pieces of shiny material woven into it. I instinctively knew that it would be extremely painful to be hit with.

Noxy cracked it easily and began to advance towards the heroes. She only took two steps before there was a sharp prick in the neck. Noxy pulled out what looked to be a horse tranquilizer. Her eyes snapped to the direction it came from to see Clint crouched in a tree, bow slung across his back. He emptied the barrel in one fluid motion and shot a loose salute in our direction, but despite the lightness of it, there wasn't a smile on his face.

I could feel her body begin to shake as it became difficult to stand steady. She raised her gun to shoot at Clint, but her hand was trembling too bad to take aim. Noxy dropped the whip to steady her gun, but her eyes drooped in exhaustion. My already limited range of sight began to shrink even more and then the world became dizzy, I became dizzy? I wasn't sure anymore. The one thing I did know was that as I was falling to the ground it felt like there was a whole new presence in my head. It was soft, hardly noticeable, but before I could figure out what was going on, we blacked out.


	24. Chapter 24

"Remember Wanda, you're trying to get through to Y/n. I want you to not alert the Queen to your presence and avoid her thoughts all together if possible." Loki walked beside Wanda towards the basement of the compound. Y/n was being held in a specially made cell deep underground. It's been about a week since they had finally captured her, but she's only been in the cell for half that long since it took a few days to construct it. Her strength and powers providing a unique challenge. So she was kept in an induced coma of sorts until a more permanent solution was built.

Loki hadn't tried to communicate to Y/n since the battle that captured her. Instead, he decided to--he hated to phrase it this way--use Y/n as a sort of project to help Wanda hone her skills. Loki wasn't too sure what to expect of this 'project,' especially since he had seen Y/n's state of disarray, of which he hadn't told anyone yet. Loki utilized his silver tongue to the best of his ability to avoid the subject.

"Yes, so you've said more than once. Why is it such a big deal?" Wanda rolled her eyes subtly, just wanting to dig in.

"Because this is a very dark mind you will be going into at first and I would hate to have you make assumptions like you tend to do so often." Loki flicked her nose causing her to scrunch it.

Wanda sighed but chose not to reply.

They finally approached the cell. It was comprised of two chambers, one within the other. The outer walls were made of a one-way material with the insides slightly reflective as to be more efficient with the lights shining from where the walls meet. Inside the cube, there was a smaller area surrounded with a thick, nearly impenetrable, glass. Inside that was where Y/n was strapped down in a manner that made it impossible for her to gain an advantage. The restraining device was clear, as to prevent any shadows, and in order for them to make sure she didn't make any of her own, she was face down, arms resting below and to the sides of her head. She was tilted slightly up with her ankles strapped apart closer to the ground to make sure she still had the right amount of blood flow to her limbs. 

The restrainment was meant to be temporary, not knowing how she would react to being locked away, but no one knew just how temporary. After all, Tony did, along with the cell and restraints, make the skin-tight jumpsuit that was covering her from neck, wrists, and ankles underneath the larger clothes made for more modestly. The specially designed suit was flexible, and hopefully comfortable (he didn't get the chance to try it on), but if the Queen decided to act out and try and break something, with just a press of a button or a call to Friday, the suit can lock itself in place making it impossible to move in.

Wanda and Loki took a step toward the cube quietly. While she could not see past the reflective walls, the cell was not soundproof. It had been decided that they would try to search through her head while she was not aware they were there. 

With the Queen unable to move a limb, she stared at the floor blankly. Wanda took a deep, but silent breath and her eyes started to glow scarlet. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt like a mess. It is such a strange sensation when you are simultaneously happy that you were caught, sad because you don't know how this will all play out, and terrified out of your fucking mind. All of this is spinning in my head, and usually, with these emotions you're body had a physical response, like a thundering heartbeat or heavy breathing, maybe even tears, but NO! Instead, my body is perfectly calm and stoic. 

Logically, I knew I wasn't in the lightroom with Henry watching me cry and scream until my body can no longer handle any more pain, but there was still a lingering feeling that scattered some of my thoughts. Oh how desperately I wanted to be able to take a deep breath of my own accord to help me remain grounded, but that wasn't going to happen. 

I tried to not think about it and roam my thoughts. I felt a bit better since I didn't have to focus on that song. I was able to think about myself and try to organize the small corner I was left. Sometimes I would poke and prod the wall that kept me trapped in, but it was like a thick, under-inflated balloon that I was in the middle in. It stretched if I pressed hard enough, but then snapped right back to where it was before, maybe smacking me in the face in the process. If I had a face inside my head.

So I wandered, trying to feel more like myself and focusing on my surroundings inside my head. It was almost like meditating. I think. I never got into that sort of thing when I had the chance. 

That's when I felt something new in my head. It was another presence. Honestly, two was enough in here, especially if it wasn't pleasant. It didn't hurt per se, but it was a tad uncomfortable. It was like being pelted with sand in the wind, it stung and itched like a file to the skin. It was subtle enough that I could tell Noxy didn't know it was there, or if she did, she didn't do anything about it. 

Fine, I'll do something. 

I don't know who you are, but I would appreciate it if you got out of my head... NOW!

Whoever it was instantly recoiled at being addressed without warning and exited quickly, out of shock or obedience I didn't know at first until I heard a girl speak outside of my cell.

"You can sense me?!"

Well obviously, I spoke to her, but she didn't hear me since she wasn't in my head anymore. She didn't say anything else which made me curious as to what the heck was going on, but there's nothing I could do about it.

I twiddled my thumbs for a couple of minutes when another person started to wander around the edges of my little corner. I started to sigh about having to kick another person out, but then it kind of hit me that this presence felt familiar. Their magic was soft and smooth, the only way I could think to compare it was to silk, or maybe a barely cool flow of water, where sometimes you aren't quite sure where your skin ends and the water begins.

After weaving through the perimeter they started to reach out further into my little area.

Well, you're sure making yourself at home.

They didn't pause as they replied, The last time I was here I was a bit frantic, and you were indisposed, so yes, I think I'll take my sweet time. Glad to see you're doing better Y/n.

I chuckled recognizing the male voice, Loki...

Right you are my dear. 

I felt a surge of peace, maybe even joy. Maybe I wasn't going to be all alone in here. Maybe I wasn't going to fade away with no one to remember me.

Probably the closest thing to a hug I've felt in forever enveloped me, Hey hey, you're safe now, it's going to be alright. We're gonna get you out of here. We just stayed there for a moment, me absorbing the first bit of happy feelings I've had in a long time. You were a bit rude to Wanda though.

Is that her name? Her magic feels like sandpaper. Plus, I don't know her, so I don't trust her. I kinda grumbled at him. I was tired of questioning, I just wanted, and needed something familiar. 

Loki hummed at me, I have been working on that. Luckily for her non-telepaths can't tell she's spying, but when you are able to tell she's there, her magic is not pleasant. He took a deep breath, I understand, Wanda isn't going to be happy. Would you like me to initiate your examinations?

I mean, yeah, that'd be great, but did you really have to say it like that?

What do you mean?

I sighed before starting, I don't know, maybe 'hey Y/n would you like me to talk to you since you don't like any of the other telepaths in the building?' or how 'bout 'hey Y/n it's been great to see you're not dead and still slightly sane! Can I talk to you to make sure you don't lose that little bit of sanity that you've been clinging onto for the past who the fuck knows how long?!' I paused with a slight prickle of pain, Or something...

Loki let out an amused huff, It is extremely strange to be able to vividly imagine the facial expressions that go along with that while the face I'm physically looking at remains unmoving.

I wanted to raise an eyebrow at him, I think it's unfair that you can see me after all this time but I can't see any of you... but even if you did come into this cell, Noxy is keeping her eyes to the floor, so I still wouldn't be able to see you.

You must believe me when I say that this whole situation is unfortunate and that we are very sorry.

And I appreciate it Loki, I really do, but it does jack squat in making me feel better or getting me fixed, so...

Loki replied quickly, Of course, of course, and we are going to do everything we can to get you out of here, but it may take some time.

Well, I'm not getting any younger and unfortunately for you I'm not going anywhere. I wanted to wink, so maybe that intention was portrayed to him.

He chuckled, Indeed... Unfortunately, Fury wanted to know right away the progress of communicating with you, so I must leave momentarily. 

Of course, wouldn't expect anything less... Tell them hi for me. I was a little surprised but glad that Nick was still in charge. I don't know why he wouldn't be, but the thought did cross my mind.

It felt like Loki smiled, I will. Hang in there Y/n.

Will do, don't leave me hanging for too long though. It's nice to hear a familiar voice.

Loki didn't answer, but he hesitated in leaving, telling me that he heard me.

I could hear the quiet footsteps and whispering as they left, not being as careful leaving as they were coming in. I didn't catch what Wanda said at first, but I was able to tune into the rest of the conversation.

"She doesn't want to talk to you because one, she doesn't know you and therefore doesn't trust you, and two, she said your magic feels like sandpaper," Loki spoke in a hushed, but honest tone to her that made her grumble.

"That's why you need to keep practicing, have I not said you need to work on your subtlety?" He sounded like a regular sports coach which made me laugh.

They passed out of earshot leaving me in silence. The terrible, horrid silence. I couldn't distract myself with anything anymore. I had sifted through my mind more times than I could count, because I've done it a lot of times, not because I can't count very high.

There wasn't even ticking of a clock I could listen to. I always forgot how much I hated the silence until I was stuck in it. It was worse since there was nothing I could do. I couldn't swallow to wet my dry mouth or cause a sound to echo in my ears. I couldn't wipe my sweaty hands on my pants and listen to the rub of different materials. I couldn't do anything, both because I didn't have a dry mouth or sweaty palms, and that I couldn't have moved in the first place. 

No, all that was left for me to do was to sit there, sometimes hoping the darkness would envelop me, others just wishing I could scream. I decided to try to close myself off from the outside world for a little bit. It helps to put a little cushioning around and pretend that the only reason why it's so quiet is that I'm purposely blocking out the noise to focus on more important things. Like should I list all the songs I know in alphabetical order by artist or title? Maybe I could order all the people I know by friendship levels. I could rebuild by dream house, again.

I don't know how long Loki was gone, but eventually, he came back without a sound to come and talk for a moment more. I didn't even know when he got there nor did I notice when he tapped into my head. He had to do a little prodding to even get me to pay attention to him.

Y/n... Hey Y/n are you there?

I snapped out of imagining myself building a card house, Oh, yup, haven't gone anywhere.

Are you doing okay?

I showed him my imaginary project, Yeah, I mean, I've gotten pretty good at entertaining myself without actually doing anything. 

Yes, I do believe you have done that.

So... What's up with Fury?

I got a few mixed signals, I couldn't tell if he was trying to cover up sadness with a happy facade or if it was the other way around, Well, he does seem hopeful, but he gave me a new assignment...

Oh? I swear if I have to deal with that irritating of magic for my 'therapy' (I'm calling it now, that's what it's gonna be) I'm just gonna let Noxy take me over. And what's that going to be?

Loki couldn't hide the feeling of a smile after he surely felt my annoyance, My assignment is you, I get to talk to you every day and try to break through this pesky corner you're stuck in.

I huffed at him, You suck, I hate you.

He laughed at me, You seem to hate me less than before you disappeared.

Like I said, you have no idea how nice it is to hear a familiar voice talk to me after how long I've been in here... I trailed off, a question suddenly coming to mind, How... How long have I been gone?

Total, or how long Noxy has held the reigns?

Both, please.

Loki took a pause where I imagined him swallow and take a deep breath, The operative that we knew as Queen surfaced a little over four years ago.

My mind churned uncomfortably with the length of my mental imprisonment, And how long have I been gone?

Nearly six and a half years.

Fuck... My mind was spinning incoherently with so many feelings that needed to be felt in the body, but couldn't escape the little corner I was confined in. I wanted to scream about... Everything! I found it in myself to say, That's a really long time.

I'm afraid it is. I don't want you to worry about that though. We are going to free you from this ghastly prison and you are going to do everything that you've ever wanted to do. 

No more reports? I laughed at my own joke.

He laughed with me for a moment, but then spoke with disappointment, I wish that were true, believe me. Nick does want to hear of the day you were captured and pretty much everything you remember from your captivity. Do you remember?

I chuckled darkly, Hon, I remember everything I took the care to pay attention to. And believe me, they didn't take anything away from me memory-wise... Even if I wanted them to. I took a moment to calm myself, To answer your question, yes, I remember.

There were a few moments where neither of us spoke, to distract myself from the quiet I 'watched' the small, constant movements of Loki's magic that strangely felt green. Maybe it was just my knowledge of Loki that gave me a prejudice. 

Y/n, I hope you know that you're okay now, you're safe... 

I mentally sort of nodded at him before he continued with a different topic.

I'm afraid I have to go... Is there anything I can do for you? Get you?

I left a pause while I thought about it. I could be snarky and just ask to get out of this hell hole that is my own mind, but the longer the silence between us stretched I realized that something else that I needed. Vast emptiness seemed to flow around and through me. 

Can you give me something to listen to? Please?

He didn't answer me. He left my mind gently, and I couldn't even hear his footsteps as he left the room.

Music started to strum through the speakers. The rifts of the music calmed me with a song that I might have heard long ago, gently playing through the memories.


	25. Chapter 25

The next day Loki came and tapped on my little corner with enthusiasm. 

_Guess what I brought!_

_I hope, for your sake, that you aren't holding something up for me to see, 'cuz that would be embarrassing since I can't see it._

Loki started to sputter a little bit, _I'm not an idiot Y/n, honestly!_

_Just making sure._

He projected an image to me unexpectedly, which gave me a headache momentarily since I was still focusing my sight through my eyes. It was a little blurry while I tried to focus on it and not the smudged splotch of color on the floor the same color as my face and hair. Luckily it didn't take me long to recognize what he was showing me.

_My phone? Don't tell me you've been keeping up with my Tumblr... Do you even know what that is?_

_You wound me._

I snickered at him.

_No, I did not go through your social media. Rather, I thought you would enjoy listening to your playlist._

A feeling that can only be attributed to a favorite song washed over me at the thought of it. The radio that Loki had put on in the down-time was great and all, but nothing could compare to the playlist you made with your heart and your own hands.

I spoke quietly, _Yes, I would like that. I would like that very much._

He wordlessly connected my phone to the speakers and put it on shuffle. I instantly recognized the song, but I had to wrack my mind for the name.

_Out here in the fields  
I fight for my meals  
I get my back into my living  
I don't need to fight  
To prove I'm right  
I don't need to be forgiven_

I smiled and hummed along, occasionally mumbling a line or two when it came to me. Loki stayed silent, but I could tell he was listening in contentment.

_Don't cry  
Don't raise your eye  
It's only teenage wasteland_

I just let the music surround me in a way I haven't felt in years. I almost forgot the situation I was in.

_Sally take my hand  
We'll travel south cross land  
Put out the fire  
And don't look past my shoulder  
The exodus is here  
The happy ones are near  
Let's get together, before we get much older_

It was going by so fast, but at the same time, time seemed to slow.

_Teenage wasteland  
It's only teenage wasteland  
Teenage wasteland  
Oh yeah, teenage wasteland  
They're all wasted!_

I could feel the end of the song coming all too soon and I still couldn't remember the name of the song, or even the artist. I became angry, at myself, Henry, the world, everything! I was angry that this was so sad. 

I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob and to scream. Why couldn't I remember? Why couldn't I remember something I loved so much? It hurt. It hurt so damn much that I slammed myself against the wall that's caused me so much grief. The barrier held strong, it was as if I was running into a brick wall.

That's when Loki stepped in. He wrapped his magic around me, to keep me still, to calm me. 

_Hey hey, it's okay, you're okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you._

I noticed he had stopped the music from continuing to the next song. I took a moment to calm myself, _No, you didn't upset me, Loki. It's just... I... If I'm forgetting things that I loved so much, what else am I going to lose? What else have I already lost?_

Loki paused for a second, _Well, that's what I'm here for. We can work together to get you better alright? I can help you remember._

I sighed, _Okay... What was that song?_ It hurt to ask, but what else was I supposed to do?

_Baba O'Riley by The Who_

I let myself soak in the name... It sounded so familiar. Maybe I felt more whole for a moment. Maybe I just identified another hole. Whatever the feeling was, it was a comforting discomfort that I wasn't sure I wanted to feel again, but I knew I needed it.

So that was what we did. For days Loki would come and play songs from my playlist. He would tell me the ones I couldn't remember and celebrate the ones that I did. It was a slow and embarrassing process, but I could tell I was making progress. Loki was being so supportive... Almost _too_ supportive.

_Loki?_

_Yes, my dear?_

_Why... Why are you being so nice to me? I mean, I appreciate it very much, but we weren't really on the_ best _of terms when I disappeared._

_We weren't on the worst, though._

He made me chuckle, _but still._

He sighed, _I suppose I found you intriguing..._

 _Past tense?_ I couldn't help but poke fun.

He chose to ignore me, _But then you disappeared and I never got to study you._

_I'm flattered._

_You should be._

There was a comfortable pause before I asked another question that's been on my mind, _Loki?_

_Yes?_

_Why has no one come to visit me?_

There was a short pause that I quickly filled.

 _I mean, I know I can't answer them back if they try to talk to me, but peopl_ _e visit and talk to comatose patients. We don't even know if they can hear them, but_ I _can hear them... and..._ I trailed of pathetically. I really shouldn't be upset, this is more than I ever let myself hope for. Isn't it great to be so selfish?

_It's nothing of your doing Y/n. Director Fury wishes for me to be your only contact until he begins the reports. They will all be in attendance then._

_That's... That's good to hear._

He hummed in response and we moved on to other topics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day came when I was supposed to give my report. I still had no idea how this was going to work, but I trusted them to come up with some sort of solution. I waited patiently for them to arrive, but it seemed to be taking forever. The room was deadly silent for what must have been hours. There wasn't a voice or a footstep that broke it.

_Y/n, are you ready?_

Loki startled me with a sudden address. 

_Is everyone here already? I thought I would have heard Thor's lumbering footsteps!_

He didn't even chuckle when he began to explain how it was going to work, _No, we are in a nearby room as to limit the Queen from hearing anything._

I found it interesting that he called Noxy the Queen. When talking to me he usually called her Noxy. It occurred to me that he might be speaking out loud for everyone else's benefit.

_I will hold an illusion of you to speak through. You alone will be able to hear and see the conversation. The illusion will mimic your motions and intentions that you portray. Do you understand?_

_Yes, Loki._

It felt like a tether was attached to me, the other end I didn't know, but I assumed it was the "control cable" for the illusion. There was a moment where nothing happened, but then I screamed.

My mind couldn't decide on what picture to focus on and it caused me an immense amount of pain. It kept flickering back and forth between the white floor of my cell and a blurry group of people in front of me. I clutched in upon myself to try and block off the instant migraine. I was surprised to hear my own voice saying, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

Just as suddenly as it happened, it stopped. 

_Are you okay?_ Loki sounded worried.

Instead of answering his question I told him what had to change, _I can't do the vision. It just..._ hurts.

_Of course._

This time the tether attached seemed smaller, and after a moment I could hear the sounds of people idling. The shuffle of feet, the quiet breathing. It was relaxing. Nobody actually spoke for a while, so I had to break the ice, "Hi."

"Agent L/n."

It was a little hard to decipher voices with the combination of not being able to see and the amount of time that's past since hearing them, so I spoke tentatively, "Director Fury?"

"Correct. Do you understand that you are here to give a report so that we, Shield and the Avengers, may come to know of the nature of your capture so that we may prevent future incidents?"

"Yes, sir." Before Nick could continue I asked, "May I ask who is here since I cannot see?"

"In order to not overwhelm you the only ones here are myself and the members of the Avengers who you know."

I nodded, or felt like nodding.

Nick cleared his throat, "Alright, is there anyone who would like confirmation that who we are talking to is indeed Agent Y/n L/n?"

There was silence. It stretched out awkwardly, "Is anyone raising their hand? Loki are they raising their hands?"

"Ye-"

"NO!" 

"So do you guys need confirmation or not?"

I could hear a number of voices mumble out a, "Yes, we would appreciate it." 

I chuckled a little awkwardly, "Uh, was there a code word that I was supposed to remember? Cuz I very much do not remember it if there was."

"Y/n would never forget a code word!"

I was offended, "Fucking hell, Clint!"

He gasped, "She would never talk to me that way!"

"Woah, woah!" Who I thought was Tony cut in, "First off, Clint? You don't have any code words!"

He grumbled in response.

"And two, Y/n your filter is gone."

I smiled, "Damn straight."

Tony sighed, "Okay, so we all want confirmation that is actually you, so let's have you tell us something only we would know."

I took a moment to think it over, "Do you guys remember when..." I kinda chuckled at the memory, "When I video called you when I knew you had recently got off of a mission and had no plans and I asked you guys over for a movie night at my apartment?" It was a fond, if not totally embarrassing memory. "Steve awkwardly declined for everyone, saying that you had a lot of work to do after the mission. I was totally disappointed, but hung up before anyone else could say anything or show that I was disappointed. I mean, I already had the movie picked out, popcorn popped, a number of snacks set out, and I even rearranged my living area to fit everyone in it!" I wished I could see their faces, see the recognition, maybe their smiles.

"But, over the next hour, every single one of you came over, not together, mind you! Clint and Natasha first, then Tony, surprised he wasn't fashionably late, Thor and Bruce with Loki dragging behind, and then Steve, with a slightly red face." I surprised myself in remembering those details. 

I, my illusion, was probably smiling from ear to ear while recanting the story, "We watched Ghost Rider and mocked how totally cheezy it was and yelled at the screen when the 'monster' scene came on." I huffed with amusement, "That was a very good memory I liked to look back on..." 

I didn't hear anyone say anything or even the shuffling of feet, "Uh, hello? Does anyone need a personal story? A reassuring joke? I hope not, because I very much did not have access to the internet."

The silence wasn't even broke with a chuckle. I began to grow scared. Did they leave? Do they not believe me? I'm sure my smile cracked.

"I believe a personal story or two could be beneficial to their conscience, Y/n." Loki's voice was soft, but rigid.

I made a soft popping noise with my tongue as I thought about who I could talk about first. This was a cool illusion to make a subconscious sound. I came to a stop when I just decided to talk about what first came to mind for each of them, "Natasha, I remember when you first walked in the door of my apartment for that movie night, you pulled me aside and said some very comforting things to me as well as some choice words for others." I laughed, "and I swore that those things would stay between us, so I am going to keep it that way."

That got the ball rolling so I just started to pour out everything, "Clint, when I first met you, you could have shown off to impress me, but instead, you used your skills to make me smile. I- I really appreciated that, and that might have impressed me even more than you hitting every bullseye."

I was glad I wasn't actually talking because this was a lot of talking, "Thor." I grew serious, "I really appreciate you sharing your food with me that one time. And all the other times you don't know about."

I heard a quick inhale of air and I took that as a signal to move on, "Tony, the care you took with me, guiding me through breathing exercises, taking me to the infirmary after... the Loki incident. I'm forever grateful you were able to show that to me."

"I remember one mission where there was a lot of chemical and radiation components that needed to be understood. Unfortunately, I am not that proficient in that area, but fortunately, I was able to approach Bruce. He walked me through everything I needed to know for that mission even late into the night in his lab," I smiled.

"And finally Steve." I willed my illusion to look him in the eyes. I hoped that's how it worked and hoped that Loki would make it happen. "This is very important. I absolutely hate running with you."

At this point, the silence was beyond unnerving. "So either nobody likes me enough to talk while I'm blind, Clint is signing at me like an idiot, or everyone just left and Loki is keeping the illusion up for no other reason than his enjoyment. I can see you doing that Loki, I know you can hear me."

There were a few snorts around me before Natasha spoke up, "Uh, Clint just said that you'll get along with Sam just fine."

"I have literally no idea who that is, but I'll take that as a good sign."

"Hey," Tony cut off the laughing, "we didn't hear a story about tikes turtle over there."

There was a beat of silence.

"Wha--who?"

"Yeah, not my best idea. Loki. We haven't heard a story about Loki."

Loki quickly cut in, "I don't believe that will be neces-"

"I must give the people what they want!"

"You really don't."

I started anyway, "My fondest memory of the jolly green giant would be when I was high off of cold medicine and pulled some wicked ninja moves to steal chocolate from our dear Repunzel while crying over rom-coms. He nearly blew my cover. Happy?"

There were a few "Very"s thrown back my way before Nick had had enough. 

"Alright, is everyone convinced that this is indeed Y/n?"

"Yes."

Nick cleared his throat, "Okay, so Agent L/n, you know how this works. According to our calculations, you were a prisoner for two years before you emerged as the asset we know as Queen, correct?"

"Uh, sure."

"Agent L/n..."

I sighed, "I trust your calculations, sir, as I had no sense of time while in captivity. I could have been in there anywhere from six months to six years and I wouldn't have been the wiser."

Nick grunted, "What exactly did they do to you in those two years?"

I mentally straightened my shoulders in preparation for the story I was about to tell. I guess I should have known, I guess I should have been ready. But here I was, trying to control my thoughts.

"The majority of those two years were spent doing two things: being locked in a cell made of concrete walls and being shoved into rooms with another prisoner. There were two rules when we were put in that room: don't start before they told us, and... and I quote: 'fight like your life depends on it, because it does.'" I took a moment to steady myself, "like a gladiator arena, it was a fight to the death, with our bare hands, only one of us would leave the room alive."

"So we can safely assume you won every round?" I wasn't sure which of the guys had spoken since I wasn't really paying attention.

I chuckled darkly, "That's the thing... My honest answer would be a no. I got beat to a pulp, but they stopped my opponent before he could kill me. My first fight... I lost."

Maybe that's what made it that much worse. I was saved to commit worse atrocities. 

"So yeah, between the experiments, the locking me away in the latter part of it, and the immense amount of pain, I lied in a small cell with a roommate I called my friend, and killed other prisoners to weed out the weak ones for hell knows what."

I didn't have anything else to say about the matter so I stayed quiet until Nick was prepared with his next question.

"There was another agent who went missing the same mission that you did: Ichabod Laime. Are you aware of his status?"

"Yes, he is dead."

"What was your relationship with Agent Laime?"

"I would have called him my friend."

"How do you know he's dead?"

Before I could answer Steve mumbled, "Shouldn't you have asked that question before?"

"Don't test me, Rogers!" Nick snapped at him roughly.

"Easy, sir. I'm the one who killed him."

There was a quiet sputtering going on around me.

Nick recovered enough to ask, "Did they force you to?"

I left a pause where I would have breathed, "No, I killed him of my own free will."

I felt the tether flicker and pull a little bit. It confused me. It felt like something was missing, or different all of the sudden. 

It didn't help that I couldn't see anything. I thought I heard whispering in the room. Fuck me for telling the truth I guess. I was going to be locked up forever. 

"Let's call it a day. We'll continue this another time Agent L/n." Nick sounded almost rushed. 

Before I could respond the tether was cut and I was left in silence, not even left with a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Baba O'Riley by The Who


	26. Chapter 26

Three days.

With the help of Loki and regularly scheduled meals (even if they were served through a straw since I couldn't use my hands) helped reset my internal clock to be able to keep track of the time. 

It's been three days since I gave my report, part of it anyway, and no one has come to visit me. No one has talked to me. Loki hasn't come down to one of my therapy sessions. No one has even turned on the radio for me to listen to. 

Yesterday they let me off of my restraining stand. It was an awkward procedure, with the restraints releasing, waiting for me--Noxy to step off of it, and then they froze the jumpsuit while they pulled the contraption through the floor and out of the way. Noxy could literally do whatever she wanted, but instead, she laid on her back, spread eagle, and stared at the ceiling. She hardly moved.

Since that was boring as hell, I tried to occupy myself with no hope of ever getting human (sort of) contact again since I admitted to killing a fellow agent who I called my friend. 

So, to pass the time I have made three card houses, each one more complex than the last, played tic tac toe with myself (spoiler: I only won once), touched up on my juggling skills, made out with my favorite celebrity more than a few times, got into an argument about shopping carts, and thought about impossible things, impossible places, and impossible dreams.

That was until the outer door opened. I couldn't think of a time that the door had opened. Loki stayed outside of the entire enclosure, maybe on a whole different floor. Food and water were delivered electronically with no need for a door. 

But here we were, someone with cotton-light footsteps walked around the glass so much that I couldn't tell where they were until they spoke from the opposite position of the entrance. 

"Hey Y/n," Natasha spoke softly, the way she only spoke with the team, on a good day. "I know you can't talk back to me, but I figured I could talk to you."

My first visitor. It felt nice.

"I know Lokes hasn't been down in a few days, but just hang in there. He'll come around. He always has." She gave an at ease chuckle, "You know, none of us would have believed it, but he's really a part of the team. He looked and sounded so stiff the other day, I haven't seen him like that in forever, honestly."

I wonder if being in a coma was like this. Being able to hear them, but not answer. I hated it.

"We've really added to the team, I don't know if Loki told you. They're all going to love you... If Wanda would stop being a little butt-sore." She left a pause to think, "Anyway, I just wanted to say that we miss you. I miss you."

I wouldn't have been able to tell if she had left or not except for the fact that my mouth opened and a voice not quite mine came out, "You know, I could tell you what she's saying."

A feeling of dread washed over me. This was not going to be good.

"She hates you. She hates all of you. You left her to rot in a cell for seven years, only to bring her back to rot in a different cell." Noxy still lied on the ground, not looking at Natasha, so neither could I see her reaction. "You left her all alone in a cell that gives her nightmares. One that just drags her back into a time where I wasn't there. Not yet, but oh how she wished for a sweet release for the pain." Her laugh was warm and inviting, but it was so bitter I could nearly taste it and gag, "And then you just waltz in here and say you replaced her. The audacity! How many people did it take to fill up the hole she left behind? Three? Four? Zero? Maybe there wasn't a hole at all." Noxy rolled onto her stomach, feet crossed in the air, and her chin resting on her hands. Her eyes were still fixated on the white ceiling, purposefully making it so I couldn't see, "So yeah, she absolutely loathes you."

I was devastated by what she said to her. There was nothing I could do to stop it. 

To Natasha's credit, it didn't even sound like she flinched, or even blinked knowing her. She just said simply, "I don't believe you."

Noxy paused from waving her crossed ankles before answering, "You're right. Y/n didn't say those things, you wanna know why?" This time she looked at Natasha's stone-cold face, "Because she isn't saying anything at all. Now you tell me, " Noxy blinked slowly, pleasantly, "which is worse?"

Natasha didn't reply, but I did catch the faint movement of a swallow.

Noxy began a little sing-song: "She's gone! Disappeared! Never to return! The little girl you knew has left forever."

Natasha shook her head, "That's not true, we spoke to her just the other day."

Noxy raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure?" She raised her voice mockingly which added a bit of grain, "Oh, I'm Y/n and I love my friends! Let's have a sob-fest that this happened to me and I'll tell you everything you need to know about my King."

Blinking slowly, Nat turned on her heel and mumbled, "Yeah, this isn't working."

"Buh-bye!"

I sighed to myself. Noxy was going to ruin everything. First I pushed away Loki. Now Natasha isn't going to be on my side. One by one they were just going to leave me here to die. Not that I expected anything less in the months before, but it still hurt. What little was left of my hopes and dreams took a nose-dive. I wasn't sure if I could recover before I crashed and burned. 

Who was I kidding? I'm pretty sure I already have.

A couple of hours went by with me wallowing in self-pity. I couldn't even find it in myself to hum a song. No lyrics came to mind. So I sat. I stared at whatever Noxy stared at. It was all the same, white walls and bright lights.

That is until something felt a bit different.

_Congratulations Wanda, you've graduated to burlap!_

Wanda mumbled sarcastically, _Thanks, Y/n. Natasha would like to speak to you._

_Oh, she already did and didn't receive a very kind response. Not from me of course, but..._

_Fine, Natasha would like you to speak to her._

I laughed shallowly, _Alright, and how are we going to do that?_

Wanda didn't answer me, instead a voice that I heard a few hours before spoke.

_Hey... How're you holding up?_

A sense of calm came over me, knowing that she could talk to me. I could still feel the roughness of Wanda's magic holding us together, but after the last few days, any company at all was worth it.

_As well as you could expect I guess._

She hummed at me softly, _It sounds like you're doing better than any of us would in your shoes._

_You flatter me._

_I gotta butter you up somehow don't I?_

I laughed a real laugh. My word it's been a while. _I am a little concerned about what Natasha._

_That's for me to know._

_And for me to find out?_

_No._

I chuckled one more time, _Alright Natasha, what did you really want to talk about?_

She feigned offense, _What, I can't just talk to my friend?_

_I've known you long enough that everything you do has a purpose._

She paused, _Well maybe my purpose is to check up on my friend who's voice I never thought I would hear again. And to make sure that she knows that we have her back, and if Loki doesn't get down here to keep you company I'll kick his ass myself._

_Thanks, Natasha, but I don't blame him. Not fully anyway._

_Why would you ever think that?_

I would have taken a deep breath. I wasn't sure if I was ready to say it out loud. I wasn't sure if I was ready to make it real. But the mind makes thoughts more fluid, so it's harder to quickly change an answer to a simple 'no reason.'

_I chose to kill someone._

_So have we all._

_Not a friend. Loki, he killed so many, but he didn't know any of them. You and Clint were assassins, but did you ever kill someone you were friends with?_

She didn't answer. I didn't know whether it was a silent confession of guilt or a concession of my argument. 

Neither of us spoke for a while, choosing to let the conversation stew for a while. 

Eventually, she must have grown tired of the quiet and decided to end the conversation, _So, Nick says that the next report will be tomorrow._

_Okay._

_Uh..._ She trailed off, not sure what else to add, _Take care._

_You too._

I felt Wanda break the connection between us and she left too, but not before sending a feeling. 

One that I wasn't sure I still knew the name of.


	27. Chapter 27

Natasha was right, as always. 

It was early afternoon when the tether unexpectedly snapped onto me. It was quick and stiff, and I didn't miss the twinge of pain as a result. 

I could suddenly hear the quiet breathing of a group of people. I let out a groan and let myself shake a little as if it would brush off the rest of the fading pain, "A heads up would have been nice."

I heard Loki give a dismissive hum in response which made my temper flare. I tried my best to swallow it down, and it worked long enough for my attention to be diverted elsewhere. 

"Agent L/n are you ready to continue your report?" Nick sounded formal. I wondered what he thought of me.

I noticed that while the initial pain of the attachment went away, the tether was still extremely taut and was a discomfort difficult to push to the side. "Sure Director Fury, just let me bang my head against the wall a few times. It would feel better then this string-pulling so hard it's giving me a headache!" I turned toward where I thought Loki was, "Could you loosen it a bit? Please?"

He huffed, "No, I can't."

"Bullshit!"

"You'll just have to deal with it," Loki hissed at me. The phrase, no matter how full of malice it was made with, felt incomplete. Something needed to be added to the end, my name, a nickname, anything really. But maybe that just showed how disgusted he was with me, he wouldn't even acknowledge me with a name. 

I knew he wouldn't budge, so I turned back towards Nick and awaited his question in tense silence.

"We need to know what happened the day you were captured."

For a moment the ache from the arrangement was forgotten as confusion took it's place, "What-what do you mean? There's cameras everywhere documenting all the missions."

"All the footage was deleted, or the cameras were disabled on this one. Either way, we have no idea what happened."

I sighed, the throbbing coming back, "Well..." I took a moment to recollect my thoughts. This was a moment I hadn't tried to think of in a very long time, "To set the stage: I was on drone duty with all of you guys, if you can recall. It was a simple cleanout of a Hydra base, it was actually the easiest one we'd had in a long time." My wheels started to turn, maybe the ease should have been a warning. "I had started to get into the habit of having music playing in the background to drown out the noises right outside my working area so I could focus on my video feeds. If I remember right the song playing was Somebody's watching me by Rockwell." I chuckled at the irony. I started to visualize what happened in painfully accurate detail.

I was chewing some gum quietly as I listened to the song, my eyes trained on my screens. I was mostly just patrolling the perimeter at this point. The team had just entered the building and everything was going smoothly.

_I'm just an average man with an average life  
I work from 9 to 5, hey hell, I pay the price  
All I want is to be left alone, in my average home  
But why do I always feel  
Like I'm in the Twilight Zone?_

_I always feel like somebody's watchin' me  
And I have no privacy  
I always feel like somebody's watchin' me  
Is it just a dream?_

  
I could feel my stomach start to twist and the hair all over my body started to stand on end. I turned in my seat quickly to find no one was around me, like normal. I turned the music down and found that it was eerily quiet.

"Hey, Y/n/n, I was listening to that, what's up?" I heard Tony talk to me through the com unit in my ear.

"Uh, not sure," I wanted to laugh, but I was nervous all of the sudden. "You guys are on your own for a minute, I think something's wrong. I'm going to go check it out." The feeling all over my body was stubbornly not going away which didn't do anything to ease my nerves.

"Be careful, kid."

"Always am."

I left my mic on just in case as I quietly rose from my seat. I couldn't see the agents left behind to guard the jet, which was odd. There were always at least two at the entrance with the rest spreading out around the surrounding area. I had my back against the wall as I shuffled slowly to the ramp. I wasn't quite to the entrance when Ike walked in. 

He looked relaxed, as if we were just in the office, "Hey, L/n, do you mind helping me clear out some debris in the landing gear? It wasn't a very clean landing."

I let out a breath of relief. There was nothing to be worried about. "Yeah, sure thing."

He turned and walked away without waiting for me. 

"Hey guys, false alarm, we're all good. I've gotta help fix something, so are you guys okay for another little bit?"

I got an affirmative from my teammates before I turned off my mic. I followed Ike to the outside of the jet. I still couldn't see the other agents which left me a little puzzled. Where did they go? I walked around the jet to where the landing gear was exposed only to find that they were perfectly clean.

"Ike?" I turned toward him slowly, studying the landing gear for a moment longer.

"Yeah, sorry, but not sorry." 

I snapped my head to look at him, but I wasn't quick enough as he jabbed a syringe into my neck. I tried to shove his hand out of the way, but his hand had already retreated by the time I swatted at him.

I felt my arms grow heavy as the world began to tip. I looked past Ichabod for a moment and the pile of unconscious agents caught my eye. So that's where they went. I hit the ground and my vision began to go dark when multiple pairs of feet crossed my vision.

"Take it away, boys." I could hear Ichabod's voice, but it didn't register that he was talking about me. Before it could click I blacked out.

"So it was a targeted attack."

I shook myself out of the story, "Yes, it appears to be so."

Nick hummed as if he was thinking. He didn't share his thoughts, but asked me to continue, "Would you mind relaying the circumstances of Agent Laime's death?"

I answered a bit weakly, "Not at all, sir." I found it a bit odd that the rest of the group was able to stay quiet for so long, but maybe they were still a little afraid.

"I don't know how long I was in there for. All I remember was I was tired, sore, and probably not in my right mind with how many drugs they had pumped into me."

A pair of guards had dragged me to a meeting room and left me alone. I had probably fallen asleep waiting there, only realizing when I was startled with the door opening. I couldn't believe my eyes when the Ichabod Laime sat across from me. 

He just stared at me. I couldn't tell if he was smug or blissfully nonchalant. 

"Why?" My voice came out in a rasp.

His voice was painfully bland, "Why not? Why not be on the winning side? Why not be powerful? Why not be able to wipe smiles off people's faces? Why not destroy you?"

I stared at him blankly.

He started talking again, but to be honest his words just started to blend together. He just kept talking. All I remembered about it was with each word, I became angrier and angrier.

It got to the point where all I could see was red. Maybe it was from the emotions, or maybe it was from how high I probably was. 

I was able to launch myself over the table tackle Laime to the floor. I straddled his chest, pinning his arms beneath my knees. My hands were wrapped around his throat as tightly as I could muster. He struggled against me, but I began to bash his head against the concrete beneath us.

By the time the guards slammed the door open Laime was limp in my hands. They ripped me off of him and dragged me back towards my cell as others rushed into the room to Ichabod's lifeless body.

As I was being dragged away I couldn't help but smile. _Who's laughing now?_

I completed my narrative with the exclusion of that last detail.

There was a beat of silence when suddenly the tether went slack. I felt light-headed and dizzy. I'm sure I went cross-eyed.

There were a few gasps around me.

"What?"

Clint answered me first, "Y/n, you just tipped over."

I was still disoriented, "Hmm, makes sense."

Tony spoke up, "Are you okay?"

"Mmm, yeah, just give me a minute..." I just stayed as still as possible, but it didn't pass as quickly as I would have liked.

I couldn't help the sarcasm from leaking into my voice, "Thanks, Loki."

He answered softly, "I apologize, my dear."

I hummed again, "Yeah, fuck you too."

Chuckles echoed around the room, some of them stiffer than others.

I heard myself sigh, "I can still answer questions from down here Ni- sir, if you don't mind."

Nick grunted, "The experiments, your powers, what did they do? How did you get them?"

"For the most part, they were composed of different injections. The first was administered when I first arrived at the facility, as far as I understand, it was to strengthen my body to be able to handle my powers." I imagined trails of black smoke flowing from my blackened fingertips, "I overheard the scientists mention that my limbs would 'whither' without the first shot." I chuckled, "One of them wanted to just replace everything that rotted away with a metal counterpart... How long do you think I would have lasted until there wasn't anything human left if it's as potent as they thought?"

I heard the quiet, uncomfortable shifting of feet.

"Anyway, it must have been weeks later when they shoved something that resembled tar into my veins. That was fun." 

No one was answering me, no comments, not even the odd whisper of gossip. I hated filling the silence myself, but what was I gonna do?

"I can only specifically remember those two occasions, after that I think is when Nox- I mean, the Queen started making appearances, so I was blacked out for a while... But I think I remember when there were other black bruises from injections, so there were probably other times."

"Were there any other factors in you losing control, Agent L/n?"

I frowned, the disorientation was nearly gone by now, but I made no effort in standing my illusion up again. I'm not sure I wanted them to see my face clearly. I felt the strange sensation of my voice about to crack through the illusion that I willed to swallow down.

"Uh, yeah... There was this room." I heard myself breathe, "I'm pretty sure it was built specifically for me. It- it... I guess for the basic idea it was very similar to my current arrangements. It was a room covered in white. Through the walls, they could shine very bright lights at me." I remembered that they didn't know what that would do to me early in my _transformation._ "I guess I should backtrack a little. when I first got the _formula,_ that's what they called the tar, it made my body extremely sensitive to light. So much so that it physically hurt. The purpose of the lightroom was to..." I struggled to find an appropriate word, "put me in my place, I guess. They would shove me in there and turn the lights on high until I was exhausted. I couldn't scream anymore, couldn't even cry. They had to drag me out every time they were finished."

"They tortured you."

"If you want to be blunt, yes." I didn't really pay attention to who was talking to me anymore, I just answered questions.

"Did they hit you? Cut you?"

I mockingly chuckled, "Oh no, of course not."

A collective breath was released around me.

But I wasn't finished, "Nothing so primitive. They preferred to get creative. After a while the light didn't hurt me anymore, just wore me out, drained me of energy, in case you were worried about my health in my current cell. They resulted in differing electrical shocks in addition to the blinding lights."

I could nearly hear the crickets in the still room. Nick was the one who broke the silence this time.

"That's enough for today. Everyone is dismissed."

I felt the tether softly dissolve, leaving me with the silence of the cell and my mind that I was trapped in. Loki didn't exit right away, though. 

"I... I apologize for my behavior Lady Y/n."

I smiled, "You're really laying it on thick aren't you?" I let myself trail off but picked up again, "But I get it."

He seemed reluctant to leave but didn't have anything more to say.

I laughed softly, "Now get out of here, I've gotta work on my trick shots."

I heard a huff of a laugh, but he did as he was told.

After a moment or two, I heard music flow through the speakers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YvAYIJSSZY


	28. Chapter 28

_I'm starting to think that you guys all remember me through rose-tinted glasses._

I had been thinking about how the team had talked about and to me. The way they acted, it was like I was the sweetest girl to ever walk the earth. My suspicions grew after the reaction to my initial report. The fact that I killed someone blew their minds. For fuck's sake, I'm- I _was_ a Shield agent! None of our hands are clean. 

_Perhaps you're right..._

It's been a couple of days since I gave my final report. It was mostly to fill in a few gaps that the previous ones didn't fill. 

I'm sure it was just luck at this point that I didn't break down telling the story. I've lost it for a lot less. I keep telling myself I was just doing my job. That I pushed all the feelings away. I didn't have any support, so I supported myself. I felt like I was lying. To the team and myself. I wasn't that strong. I've never been that strong. I never will be that strong.

Maybe I had a hand in painting those lenses.

_Either way, we're just glad to have you back Y/n._

_Awe, princey, you old sap._

Loki grumbled a bit, _Really?_

In return I put on an innocent facade, _Whatever do you mean, princey?_

I could practically hear him rolling his eyes. 

_... So what're we gonna do?_

He sighed, _I guess we'll just take it one day at a time, my dear._

That's what we did. One day at a time. We talked, we sang, sometimes we would just sit there and play some cards. Time seemed to fly by, so much that I couldn't recall when I got back. And for the first time in a _very_ long time, I loved not knowing.

I occasionally asked how long it's been and currently, it must have been close to four months. 

It was a music day today. I had eventually gotten Loki to sing along with me, especially after I found out he listened to my music while I was away. Song after song we would sing together, in my head of course. Loki had a lovely voice, just the right octave for the types of songs we were singing but had a pleasant contrast of smoothness to the usual roughness of the original vocalist.

I can't believe I was just thinking about that.

_Hello? Hello? Hello?_

__

_Is there anybody in there?  
Just nod if you can hear me  
Is there anyone at home?  
Come on now  
I hear you're feeling down  
Well I can ease your pain  
Get you on your feet again  
Relax  
I'll need some information first  
Just the basic facts  
Can you show me where it hurts?_

I loved getting lost in the music, letting it not only flow around me but through me as well. The steady rhythm was an easy distractor of everything going on. I could feel myself reaching for the notes, my fingers pleasantly stretching with the highs and lows.

_There is no pain you are receding  
A distant ship smoke on the horizon  
You are only coming through in waves  
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying  
When I was a child I had a fever  
My hands felt just like two balloons  
Now I've got that feeling once again  
I can't explain you would not understand  
This is not how I am  
"I have become comfortably numb"_

The music just drowned everything out. With the tide, I could feel it extending my shores, the push and the pull of the tempo. I wanted to smile as Loki's voice paired with my own could have caressed the stars to sleep. 

_"Okay  
Just a little pinprick  
There'll be no more, ah  
But you may feel a little sick  
Can you stand up?  
I do believe it's working, good  
That'll keep you going through the show  
Come on it's time to go"_

Sometimes it was better to not feel at all instead of all the pain. With the odd senseless feeling from the shadowy powers running through my veins, music had a similar effect that led to comfort. Or maybe it was the needed distraction from all the previous pain. A way to escape.

_"There is no pain you are receding  
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon  
You are only coming through in waves  
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying  
When I was a child  
I caught a fleeting glimpse  
Out of the corner of my eye  
I turned to look but it was gone  
I cannot put my finger on it now  
The child is grown  
The dream is gone  
I have become comfortably numb"_

I dragged out the last line as long as possible as the closing notes played out. I just reveled in the feeling that encompassed me. A lovely feeling of peace.

A voice came on through an intercom, "Holy shit."

I knew he wouldn't hear me but I figured Loki could convey my thoughts, "Holy shit, what Tony?"

"Holy shit I can hear you Y/n!"

I rolled my eyes, "What are you talking abo-" I paused and realized I could hear myself talking. "Loki?"

"It's not me." He sounded excited but was holding his breath.

"Holy shit!" I looked at my hand and watched as I flexed, fisted, and relaxed it, all to my own will and pleasure. I raised my head to look at the wall where I assumed Loki would be hanging out on the other side, "Holy shit!" I stretched my arms wide, "Whoo-hoo!" I started to laugh, a wave of endorphins and adrenaline taking over. 

It was only a couple of minutes before the outer section of my cell was flooded with my friends. They all chattered excitedly at the development. I could hardly tell who was saying what, but it was so good to see them. Everyone looked a little older, little rougher, but they were still the same Tony, Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Thor, Steve, and Loki. There was one new face, but the way she held herself gave me a guess.

"You must be Wanda." I would have offered my hand, but there was still a thick sheet of glass that separated us.

She nodded, still looking a little closed off.

"Well, it's nice to see you." I smiled softly at her before turning to talk to the rest again. I struggled to focus, but I was so happy I didn't really care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loki sat a little apart from the group, letting them have their moment with Y/n. Right when he realized he heard her voice come out of her mouth, not the twisted version, he withdrew from her mind. He let her be free and by herself. At first, Loki wasn't sure if he could believe it. He had been hearing her voice for the last four months in her head, it almost didn't register that it wasn't supposed to be heard through his ears.

It was shocking. One minute it was just any other day, she and Loki were singing where no one could hear them but each other, and then the next she was able to... Do whatever she wanted. She could sing, she could dance, she could see. Loki wasn't sure how it happened. He felt a change, of course, but he didn't know that it was the change they were waiting for, working for.

He was broken out of his thoughts by a hand placed on his arm. He turned towards Wanda and looked at her expectedly.

"She's going to fall apart, Loki." She seemed concerned, but it didn't downplay the final-ness of her tone. 

Loki furrowed his brow, "What are you talking about?"

She grew a bit frustrated, "What a friend you are if you can't tell she's about to break!" She kept her voice low as to not alert the rest of the team.

Loki turned his eyes towards Y/n to look her over. He did notice that her smile seemed a bit strained, but that could have been from several factors.

"She- she's..." Loki stuttered to defend himself in not finding anything wrong with her but decided to drop it, "How would you know?"

Only then did Loki notice the shine coming from Wanda's eyes.

"Because I'm in her head, and for another, she's not yelling at me to get out."

Before Loki could respond a large thump was heard from Y/n falling to her knees heavily. She clenched her hands against her head and an ear-splitting shriek came pouring out of her mouth.

In an instant, Loki teleported into the inner chamber and knelt next to her. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the team clutching their ears and looking worriedly through the glass. Wanda looked like she wanted to help and ran towards where the door through the glass was. 

Y/n didn't seem to recognize that he was there. Not even when he placed his large hands over her own to try and slow her rocking. 

"Come on, Y/n, look at me. Talk to me! You're going to be fine, what's going on?" Loki tried to talk to her, but tears kept streaming down her face and the only time the deafening cry stopped was when she took a breath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It felt like every headache I had ever had had been reincarnated at twice the strength. They were all pounding against my skull with jackhammers. I thought maybe if I squoze my head it would still the throbbing.

Nothing was registering except for the pain. I vaguely remembered that I was talking to people, but the only thing on my mind was the agony. I could barely even recognize that I was screaming. I wanted to retract back into what it was before. It sucked. It sucked horribly. But at least it didn't hurt.

I tried to pull back from the pain; I tried to make myself as small as possible, but it was like clenching my fist, there was only so small I could go. 

Since that wasn't working, I desperately pushed at the pain, begging it to go away. It seemed to have worked at least a little bit because I started to hear someone talking to me through the shrill shriek coming from the back of my throat.

"Please! Y/n, talk to me. What can I do?" 

Instead of the pain, I tried to focus on his voice. I tried to anchor myself to the warmth of his hands. His thumbs would gently brush against my temple and right then did I realize how long it's been since I've been touched.

I let out a whimper, "It hurts... Please, it hurts so much!"

I heard Loki let out a sharp breath, "Okay, okay! We're making progress. Wanda is trying to find what's making you hurt alright? Stay with me. Keep talking to me."

I let out a string of curses that would have made a sailor blush, "I would very much enjoy slamming my head against that glass right about now." I clenched my teeth as I felt myself slipping back into the anguish. I kept my eyes closed tightly as if I let up just a little bit of pressure, my brain would come pouring out of my eyeballs.

I thought I heard a soft thump next to me and I snapped my eyes open to see what was the matter. Almost instantaneously I shut them again at the bright lights.

"What's happening?" My voice sounded strained.

"Uh, nothing for you to worry about. Wanda just passed out next to you-"

I felt myself start to tip over, "What?"

"Would you like to sleep? Would that make you feel better?" Loki softly laid me down to the floor, his hands cradling my head.

I softly nodded, speaking became difficult as my little hold on control started to slip again. 

"Alright, everything is going to be fine, my dear. Just rest."

A soothing feeling washed over me and I felt my whole body almost involuntarily relax. Before I knew it I was at peace in a lovely dreamland.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke with a whimper. My head was pounding with what felt like the mother of all hangovers. I curled into a ball wishing for nothing more than to slip back to the world I awoke from. I couldn't quite remember what that world was, but I knew it was pleasant. And that's all I could ever want, something pleasant.

"Hey! She's awake!" Tony was probably just speaking excitedly, but it sure felt like he was yelling right into my ear.

I let out an aggressive grunt and tucked an arm over my eyes and ear.

Another voice came much closer and much gentler, "Easy Tony, you never enjoy us yelling about when you have drunk too much the night before."

"I guess that's true, sorry kid." I heard the squeak of someone's shoes against the smooth floor I was lying on.

I peeked out from my arm to see Tony squatting next to me with a glass of water and a handful of pills. I started easing myself up from my curled body, and someone's hand hooked under my elbow and helped me prop myself up against the curved glass. I looked over to see Loki sitting next to me. I wasn't sure how long they'd been there, but before I hurt my brain too much thinking about it I greedily swallowed the pills Tony gave me.

I tilted my head back against the glass and closed my eyes as I felt the water slide down my throat effectively soothing the roughness.

"I'm sure you would want to know what caused you that much pain," Loki spoke quietly for my benefit, and I greatly appreciated it.

I hummed in agreeance.

"As far as we could tell it must have been some sort of extreme growing pains."

I groaned, "I'm too old for growing pains."

"Yeah, tell that to Clint every time he hurts himself from his growing stupidity." I could practically hear the eye-roll coming off of Tony and I had to let out a chuckle that I immediately regretted. 

There was just the steady sound of the three of us breathing for a little bit. Eventually, I reached my hands out to where the two men were positioned until they both took hold of my hands. I squoze them gently, showing my thanks.

Tony squeezed back before letting go, "I'll let the team know that you're okay, they'll be relieved. Technically, we aren't supposed to be in here, so me and Rock of Ages over here better beat it."

I didn't open my eyes, "Mmm, alright."

I heard them stand and walk towards the door. Before they could walk through the door I couldn't help with a remark.

"Why don't you get me a book? Or a deck of cards? I need to see if I can still make card houses."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd


	29. Chapter 29

_Shallow breaths. No sudden movements._

I gently placed the last card on the top of my card house. It obviously wasn't as elaborate as the ones I made in my head, but it was still an impressive feat. I was surprised that my hands weren't shaking as I balanced it there. I sat there and admired it for a moment before I blew it over again. 

"That was a lot of work to just blow away."

I turned as the doors opened smoothly and Loki walked in.

I smiled in greeting, "It's not like I haven't done it before. Why don't you come in here and help me if you wanted to see it up so much?"

He chuckled as he sat on the ground across from me. He was wearing plain socks, black pants I couldn't tell what the material was, and a grey t-shirt. His hair was in his usual loose waves. Every time someone walked in it reminded me of the loose jumpsuit I was wearing over the safety measure metallic suit. My hair was usually in a mess despite my attempts to tame it with my fingers.

"You know we aren't allowed to be in there Y/n."

I scoffed playfully, "Pfft, whatever, who's gonna stop you?"

"I would prefer if neither of us got into trouble with Fury."

"That's fair."

I gathered the deck of cards they had given me and started to shuffle them. "Wanna play some cards?"

A while later I was staring at the cards in my hand. I only needed one more card and I was sure to win. Loki had won the last three rounds. I was starting to wonder if he was cheating. Or I was really bad at cards. Maybe both. I waited anxiously for Loki's answer to my call. He had a very good poker face, it was impossible to read him. We didn't have any chips, but we were betting our reputations over this. Who would win, a god with abilities beyond the imagination, or the girl who didn't have control over her own limbs and was secluded for nearly seven years? I don't know, it's a tough call. After what felt like forever of looking over his cards he opened his mouth.

"Go fish."

"Dang it!" I flattened my hand out to him for a landing strip to teleport a card to. He had the deck next to him on the other side of the glass.

"Do you have an eight?"

"Fuck. I quit." I tossed my eight over towards him and he teleported it between his fingers before it hit the glass.

He smiled, "What would you like to play next?"

I let him take the rest of my hand so he could shuffle the whole deck, "Uh... Poker?"

He didn't get to answer when the outer door opened again and Steve walked in. 

"Hi Steve."

"Hi Y/n."

I turned my head towards Loki and started a circle, "Hi Loki."

He matched my movements and expression, "Hi Y/n."

He then tilted his head back towards the still standing Steve, "Hi Steve."

Steve looked only a little amused, "Hi Loki."

There was a pause before I gestured to Loki who was shuffling the cards subconsciously, "We were about to start poker, would you like to join us?"

He shook his head, "I don't play."

Loki didn't look up from the cards, "That's bullshit and we all know it."

Steve sighed and sat down at an angle to face the two of us, "I didn't bring anything to bet."

I very loudly grabbed at the fabric of my jumpsuit where pockets would have been and snapped it against my leg. I didn't open my mouth but my face was formed where I hoped it said, "What's your point?"

"I'm just here to fetch Loki for an upcoming mission meeting."

"Steve, you are no fun whatsoever! It's just a game of cards." I gave him an almost-pout as to not look too pathetic.

He chuckled half-heartedly, "Sorry about that, but it doesn't change the fact that the meeting is in fifteen minutes."

I sighed dramatically, _"Fiiiinnnee,_ go to your stupid, boring meeting and leave me here all alone you absolute _jerks_."

Both men stood up with a laugh, "Now now my dear, I doubt you will miss our company too terribly." Loki smiled as he gave back my cards. I thankfully caught them mid-shuffle and began to entertain myself. 

I smiled up at them, "Well when I get out of here-"

"If."

I stuttered at the interruption, "Wha- what?"

Steve looked at me sympathetically, "If you get out of here. I- I want you out of here as much as any, but... You know how Nick can be."

The smile once on my face faltered, but only for a moment, or so I hoped, "Right." I gathered my thoughts again, "If I make it out of here..." I tried to say any of the number of ways I could have finished that sentence: _we'll have so much fun, I'll mix up those horrid meetings, you'll never be rid of me,_ but they all died on my tongue. The sudden thought of being locked in this god-forsaken cell that haunts my dreams. I hated to admit it. Luckily so far I had only woken silently, my mind the only thing screaming. A sense of speechlessness from the dread and despair almost kept me from saying goodbye. 

I smiled a little wider, "Of course, have fun at the meeting!" I waved as they walked towards the door.

Loki held a look of concern but walked out quickly and stiffly.

I turned back toward the cards that were stacked perfectly still in my cupped palm. I tried to shuffle them again, but the trembling from my fingers caused me to miss and the cards all scattered to the ground. I didn't even try to collect them again. Just one word echoed in my mind. One word to turn my world sideways.

_If_

It hadn't even occurred to me. It was always a matter of _when._

 _When_ I could get out of this cell.

 _When_ I could hug my friends.

 _When_ I could start living a life.

All of that was shattered with one tiny, two lettered word:

_If_

_If_ I could get out of this cell.

 _If_ I could hug my friends.

 _If_ I could start living a life.

So, as what was left of my mind was as scattered as the cards spread across the floor, I too spread myself across the floor.

I stared at the perfectly white ceiling. Who knows? It might be the last thing I ever see.


	30. Chapter 30

A flip of a switch. A single syllable. 

In the coming weeks, something started to feel different. Maybe it was the voice in my head. It was a voice all too familiar, but luckily it was only a whisper. A very convincing whisper, though. 

That one word that echoed in Steve's voice spun my whole mindset to do a 180. 

My whens became ifs.

The ifs became whens.

And that little voice that I call Noxy resurfaced again.

_When are they going to forget about you down here?_

_When are they going to leave you here to starve? To rot?_

_When are they just going to drop you to the bottom of the sea, hoping you never resurface?_

_When are you going to escape before that happens?_

There was a person that was molded in me. Before I became The Queen. It was a frame of mind that I seemed to shed when I took back control. I thought perhaps it had disappeared, dissolved, whatever, I didn't really think about it. All I cared about was that suddenly, I was the person my friends loved so dearly again. That small window of someone different was gone, invisible, even erased.

I came to realize that that wasn't the case.

The person I became, slightly sinister, a bit dark, perhaps a little morbid in certain circumstances, was born from desperation. It disappeared when that desperation was no longer needed. It faded as I lost interest in the life my body was living without me. Or at least I thought it faded. I'm beginning to think that I just ignored it. 

Once that desperation came back... I don't think this part of me is ever going to go away again. 

I couldn't help but look for ways to escape my impending torment. I noticed that the inner machinery of the cell was exposed whenever my food was delivered. (It was still in smoothie form, unfortunately.) I calculated the space in between and if there was enough for me to squeeze through and if there was a pathway for me to break free. I severely doubted it. The only result of that plan could be my limbs grinding in the gears.

That little part of me almost smiled at the thought of feeling something other than the constant overstimulation mixed with dull numbness that's been coursing under my skin since I got that stupid shot. 

I tried to steer my mind to any other plan, but they all fell flat in impossibility. The doors were out of the question. With the two never open at the same time, making a run for it was simply absurd. The walls and floor were all sheer, and I had no tools besides a few books and a deck of cards to dismantle anything. I couldn't use my powers to break out either, since that was the whole point of this whole fucking cell. 

I ran out of ideas.

Today was a particularly hard day with how loud my mind was screaming at me to escape. To persevere. To survive. To feel. To be prepared for the absolute worst-case scenario.

Loki visited quietly today. For a while, we just stared at each other blankly. My mind was wandering to the dark places Steve unlocked. I only vaguely wondered what Loki was thinking about when he gazed at me.

I was broken out of my stupor when Loki spoke, "Did I ever tell you how relieved I was when I was finally able to see your eyes again?"

I tilted my head, "What do you mean? Like when you saw that I was alive?"

Loki mirrored my movements with a furrowed brow and a shake of the head, "You don't know... Do you?"

I sighed, blinking slowly, "Know what Loki?"

He produced a couple of illusions of pictures of me. The pictures were cropped to center around my face, but I could see my white tactical suit around the corners. What I did notice was my eyes were not their original color. If it was anything but Loki's impossibly high-quality illusions, I would have blamed the unnatural black hue to the grain of the screen or camera, but it wasn't. The illusion left no doubt. My eyes were not my own, instead replaced with black orbs that swallowed more light then was given.

"Oh, man." I gently traced around the edge of my eye subconsciously. So this is what they saw when they looked at me. My eyes held no light... Literally. "You could've told me I looked like shit," I chuckled to try and cover up my slight discomfort.

"Now now, did you forget my opening statement already?" The illusions fizzled out silently as he spoke. I was a little embarrassed to say that I had been too distracted with shock to pay much attention to what he had said before.

He made sure to make eye contact with me as he spoke slowly, "I was so glad when I was able to see your eyes again."

With that I found a hand-held mirror appear in my clasp. It had exquisite workmanship. Knowing Loki, the delicate designs were carved into genuine gold. I purposefully didn't look at myself, instead, directing my attention to the beautiful piece Loki put in my hands. 

"Don't be shy my dear," Loki spoke softly with equally gentle nudges of magic at the mirror.

I finally raised it to look at myself. I kept my gaze from my own and studied the other features of my face. There wasn't any denying that it was mine, but I could tell I had changed. My skin had lost all its impurities, scars and rough skin had just disappeared. Certain features seemed to have been enhanced to capitalize on my beauty. It was almost like I was wearing natural make-up. Without the smokey eye. The structure was similar, but perhaps a little more angled, a bit more perfect. 

Or maybe I always looked like this and I'd just forgotten, who knows?

After I had looked at everything but my eyes, there was nothing else to delay the inevitable. I finally turned my eyes to... my eyes. I wasn't sure what I would find. I was silently hoping that they looked the same as they were in my childhood, but I was preparing to see an abyss.

Either way, I was wrong.

My irises were somewhere in between. I had a black ring around the outside that seemed to be leaking into the color from my memories. I pulled the mirror closer to get a better look with a furrowed brow. It was fascinating, but terrifying at the same time. I don't know how long I was staring at my eyes, but eventually, I placed the mirror down with a shake of my head. It was such a strange sensation.

"So you meant half of my eyes right?" I gave Loki a soft smile as he vanished the mirror on the floor.

He chuckled, "They're still yours."

I didn't answer, instead, I just kept my smile, not knowing what to say.

Loki's voice quickly followed his presence in my mind, _You must stop those thoughts of yours._

Instantly I knew what he was talking about. _How would you know and why does it matter princely?_

I watched as his smile stretched to a smirk, _Who do you think I am darling?_

I blew a stray hair from my face that fell when I tilted my head at him. I looked at him innocently, waiting for him to continue. He didn't leave me waiting for long.

_Besides. I have a surprise for you._


	31. Chapter 31

"You are horrible at surprises."

"No, I'm not."

"This is the suckiest surprise ever."

"Just sit in the chair, Y/n."

"No, I'm not going to sit in the damn chair Loki!"

"You won't get your favorite smoothie anymore."

"...Fine." I glared at Loki through the glass as I sat down in the metal chair in the middle of the room. Once I shifted for a moment to get comfortable, I felt the metal suit under my clothes activate, holding me in place. I couldn't move my arms, legs, and I could only rotate my head a fraction. "I hate you, you know that? Look at my right hand, that's what I'm feeling right now." To the best of my ability, I flipped Loki off.

He didn't seem amused.

I heard machinery as something unfolded from the floor. I turned my head to the best of my ability to see what it was and let me tell you I did not like the sight.

"Loki, please tell me you aren't going to stick that big-ass needle into me." I didn't even try to keep up the sarcastic facade.

Loki looked at me reassuringly, "Don't worry, it'll be over in a moment."

I tried not to remember my previous experiences with syringes. I really tried, but the only thing that came to mind was the pain. How could I not when the results could be felt under my skin twenty-four hours a day.

I fought back the tears of fear that were swelling by clenching my eyes and balling my hands into fists. As I heard the steady hum of the machine next to me grow closer, I felt the muscles of my jaw grow tighter.

The needle pricked right above the collar of the metal suit and I suppressed a cry as I felt the substance enter my veins. The metal seemed to stay in my skin for an eternity longer than necessary. It eventually exited and I let out a forced sigh of relief.

I opened my eyes to see Loki watching me worriedly. I pushed it off with a fake laugh, and his face softened.

"Are you alright darling?"

My voice was a bit tight as I said, "Fine, dandy, peachy even. Can I just get the hell out of this thing now?"

"Right!"

The suit relaxed and I hurriedly stumbled out of the chair. I felt the place on my neck where I was punctured and found I was bleeding from the wound. I licked my finger and held it to my neck to stop the bleeding. I grunted, "You wanna tell me what the fuck you just injected me with?"

"The nanobots that you just received will allow us to track your location and render you unconscious if you become a danger," Loki said it matter-of-factly, but what he was saying wasn't making any sense.

I squinted at him, "Loki, in case you haven't noticed, I've got a suit that can paralyze me and there's no reason to track my location if I'm stuck in this fucking cell!"

He smiled with a glint in his eye as he walked around the glass, "Well, that's about to change."

He came to a stop exactly across from where he came in. As he pivoted to face me, his hands were clasped behind his back.

I watched in amazement as a section of glass slid down into the floor. I took a hesitant step toward the opening, waiting for some sort of consequence; a consequence that didn't come. So I took another, and another, and then one more to the point where if I stuck out my toe, I would cross the line. I stared at the floor, at my feet and Loki's who stood only a few inches away. The only thing I could do was swallow and raise my head to look at him.

He showed me an encouraging smile. Then, without warning, he grabbed my hand and pulled me through.

I let out a surprised yelp at the jerk and had to brace myself against the white wall. I felt it in amazement. It felt exactly like the floor, but unlike the floor, I never thought I would be able to touch it.

Loki kept hold of my hand and started to walk around the glass towards where the outer door always opened. I dragged a couple of fingers along the wall as I followed behind. When we approached the door opened quickly and I didn't have time to process another drastic change before we exited the bright cell to the dim basement.

The doors shut behind me and that's when I refused to move for a moment. I vaguely felt a tug at my hand when I stopped, but I was too engrossed in the feeling that the even slight shadows brought me. It was energizing. I blinked slowly, almost sleepily. I cracked a lazy smile at Loki when he watched me curiously. I didn't say anything and I took a step towards him to signal that I was ready to go.

The elevator ride was silent but comfortable. I had to admit that I was terrified. I was scared that the moment I opened my mouth this would all fall apart into some sort of twisted dream. Or maybe a worse option was when I started asking questions and found out that my deepest fears were coming true.

Maybe they weren't letting me out. Maybe they were finally getting rid of me. Maybe they were going to drop me trapped in a remote location with no hope of freedom.

Maybe they were just going to kill me.

So I stayed silent, I hoped, and I prayed to any god that I didn't know.

Eventually, the elevator stopped at our destination. The doors opened what I saw on the other side nearly evaporated all my fears. There was the team, and a few others I didn't recognize, but they were all smiling.

I had forgotten I was still clinging to Loki's hand until he squeezed mine before letting go. I missed it's warmth for only a moment before Clint launched himself at me, almost making me stumble back into the elevator. He pulled me into a tight embrace. It didn't take long before five others had their arms around me.

I'm not ashamed to say that I cried. To be out, to see my friends, to have this level of comfort, to be among people again, it was all so overwhelming.

When we all untangled there were a few moments of awkward silence broken up by giggling. In that period I raised my head and something caught my eye. For a moment it was all I could look at and I froze.

But only for a moment.

The next moment came quickly. I barely noted my legs moving at break-neck speed and the confusion and panic left behind me. The only thing I focused on was shoving the door open and breathing in the open air. My hair whipped behind me as I sprinted across the field until I dove and rolled in the grass. I tumbled a couple of times before I stopped and lied on my back, laughing uncontrollably, relishing the feeling of cool grass beneath my hands and the beautiful blue of the sky above me.

That lovely exhaustion from lying in the warm sun washed over me as the group jogged out to where I was in the middle of the field and sat around me, looking up at the sky as well.

And I knew everything was going to be okay.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience! I know it's been a while, but I'm glad to be able to give you this chapter. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!!

_And I knew everything was going to be okay._

Until it wasn't.

"And what the hell are you doing?"

I snapped up from the ground to see none other than Nick Fury standing above our rag-tag group lying in the grass.

I swallowed deeply suddenly aware of the bruise on my neck from where nanobots were injected into my body. Nanobots that could probably do a number of unpleasant things to me.

Nick turned to the team who was still lying on the ground, "I thought I told you to get her settled in her room and then get her ready."

"We were getting there eventually." Loki closed his eyes and stayed there with his hands beneath his head.

"I would appreciate it if you did it now so she can get it over with."

"Wait... what's going on?" I was confused since one, Nick wasn't totally fuming, and two, what were they getting me ready for?

"Some evaluations of your condition are needed."

Well if that wasn't the vaguest answer to ever be crafted from a Shield Director I don't know what is. 

I stood and brushed my jumpsuit to remove the nonexistent grass sticking on it, "I guess let's get this over with." I started to walk towards the compound when another thought occurred to me, "All my stuff is gone... Isn't it." I turned back towards the group, not expecting anything but a yes.

"Nope."

"What."

Tony leaped to his feet before steadying himself against me, "Well, you know what saps these guys are so they just wouldn't let any of your things go in the trash."

There were some protests from those on the ground, but Tony didn't give them any mind and started to lead me back towards the compound, an arm around my shoulders. He lead me up a couple of floors to a door that looked familiar.

It looked like every other door in the compound.

"Do you remember this?"

"No?"

"Oh. Well, this was the room you used to stay in when you couldn't go back to your apartment."

"Oh," I swung the door inwards to see a fully put together room, "this... This looks exactly like my apartment room." I couldn't help but smile. It felt like home.

"Yeah, Natasha was very precise." Tony stood in the doorway, not wanting to intrude, "So, there's a suit on your bed, you're gonna be doing sparring first. Get changed into that and be back to the common room and we'll head over to the training room." He checked his watch, "you probably have twenty minutes before Fury gets too impatient."

I nodded, but then a problem occurred to me, "uh, how am I gonna get this thing off?" I picked at the sleeve of the metal suit.

"When you're ready just say you want it off and it should relax into a normal suit you can take off." With that, he shut the door behind him and left me to my privacy.

I roamed around the room for a bit, admiring the little things that I had forgotten. There were pictures and little trinkets. I only hoped I could appreciate them like I used to.

The twenty minutes passed by quickly and before I knew it I was in the sparring area in the training room facing someone I had never met.

"Easy there сахарный, I'm not going to hurt you," he said it with a smile, but it only made my frown grow.

"Trust me, that's not what I'm worried about. There's a lot more salt than sugar here."

"Remember, this is just to see your condition Y/n, no powers are allowed, we will go until there is a clear winner," Nick's voice could be heard over the intercom as he sat from the observational area with the rest of the team.

And we were told to begin.

His steps were light, and a little bit quicker than needed, or expected. They were also more sure than mine were. I studied what he was doing as fast as I could, but it wasn't enough. His foot hooked around my knee and brought me to the ground, but I rolled across the mat to his other side. I snapped up to my feet and created some distance between him and myself to buy some time. 

We circled for a little bit longer, watching, waiting. He lunged first, aiming for my waist. I twisted out of the way, tripping his feet in one fluid motion making him hit the mat.

The blood was rushing in my ears and everything else fell away.

There was only a young boy in front of me with the same objective as me.

To win.

He didn't even rise all the way off of the floor before he spun to trip me up. I landed hard, making me dizzy. He pinned my arms to the mat, but before he could pin my feet I pulled them up to my chest and kicked him off of me. 

He let out a grunt as he flipped over me. I wanted to detain him as he was down, make this as painless as possible, but he was out of my reach too quickly. 

Then it was back to circles.

My body was trembling, from adrenaline, strain, or something else, I couldn't tell.

This was the longest match I had been in for a long time. I felt bad for him. He was fighting so hard. 

I better not prolong his pain any longer.

I had him in a headlock. I'm not exactly how. His sweaty blond hair was brushing my chin as I slowly cut off his airway. His hand frantically slapped my hand, and then the mat.

"Shhhh, it's okay. It'll be over soon," I swallowed. It was better this way. It was what he wanted. 

It was better for everyone this way.

Hands gripped at me and ripped the boy from my grasp. Panic tore through me. I only knew of one person who wasn't allowed to win, it didn't end well for him.

I struggled and shrieked, "No! You sick bastard! I was doing it! You told me to win, I was doing it!" I clawed at the arms surrounding me, trying to hold me still, "Don't you dare take me back there! I did what you asked!"

Someone was trying to speak to me, but I didn't want to know what they were saying.

"You hear me Hen-" I was mid-scream when my world went dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Avengers sat in a room surrounded by screens of camera footage. All but one was playing different angles of the nearly deadly sparring match. The other was focused on the motionless form of Y/n on her bed. 

They were silent, all too scared of what would come if they broke it. But it had to be broken.

"It seems they trained her, but I'm not sure I've ever seen training like that before." Vision was the only one brave enough to say anything, or it could be he didn't fully understand the gravity in the room. 

"That's because it isn't training," that odd statement drew the attention of some of the group to none other than James Buchanan Barnes. 

"That's survival." He stood from his seat and walked towards the biggest of the screens. It started from the beginning of the match and he pointed carefully at her feet, "You can tell this is training, but this isn't from Hydra. Her footwork is very similar to Clint's so it must be Shield training." He watched as she adjusted her position on the screen, "That uneasy shifting tells me that she hasn't done any formal training or technical sparring in a very long time, muscle memory is driving most of her motions, but it can only go so far."

No one disagreed with him. 

The footage continued, "Right here is where I believe she forgot where she was." Bucky turned to face the group, "You're completely right Vision when you said you haven't seen any training like that before, because that isn't something you do unless you're desperate."

The Avengers could hear themselves in the footage yelling.

_"He's tapping out. She's not letting go!"_

_"Stark! Turn her off!"_

_"What do you think she is? A damn toy?!"_

_"I said, turn her off!"_

_"Loki's down there, she's throwing a fit."_

_"You told me to win, I was doing it!"_

_"Hurry up Tony."_

_"I'm working on it!"_

_"Do you hear me Hen-"_

The footage stopped and they were left in silence.

"That must have been what they told her when they told her to fight. They told her to win."

"Wait, are you telling me that she had to do this while with Hydra?" Bucky spun to Steve in disbelief, "What the hell did you think was going to happen, Fury? That she was just going to go 'ho ho guess we're gonna have a friendly sparring match and _not_ kill my opponent!'"

"It was necessary, unfortunately."

"Bull _shit!_ "

"You not only put in jeopardy Y/n's sanity but also Pietro's life. You're lucky he is only needed for overnight observation, Fury. I believe this meeting is over." Wanda stood from her seat and started towards the door.

"What are we going to do about Y/n?"

"How about I 'turn her back on' and let her figure things out. Locking her in a cage isn't going to do anybody any good." Tony looked pointedly at Nick.

He sighed and nodded, "Okay, do what you have to do."

With that, everyone exited from the room.

Natasha and Loki were next to each other when Bucky approached, "Hey, you two were awfully quiet. Anything I should know about?"

"No, we just figured that if we got involved in the mess, it would become..." Natasha trailed off.

"A whole lot messier," Loki finished. 

They both had grim looks on their face, a cover for the frustration and worry boiling inside them both. 

"We were planning on being there when Tony wakes her up," Natasha stuffed her hands into her back pockets, looking at her feet.

Bucky nodded and started to turn away with a soft smile.

Loki grabbed his shoulder before he could get too far, "Would you like to join us? I'm sure she would be glad to meet you."

"Not as glad as me for the opportunity."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One moment I was screaming, and the next I was lying on a bed, staring at the ceiling. 

"So this is what it's like to have a control button."

"Terribly inconvenient isn't it?"

I didn't even move my gaze from the ceiling, "Like you would know."

"Afraid not, girlie," an unfamiliar voice spoke.

I shifted to lean my back against the headboard, "And I'm afraid that word doesn't apply to me anymore." I looked at Loki and Natasha, "Can you believe that I'm thirty whole years old?" I sighed.

"And life is unfair in that you didn't get to see more than a few of them."

I reached out and squoze Natasha's hand, "But what do you expect? When has life ever been fair?"

There was a moment of silence before I decided to shake off the self-pity.

"Alright, enough of that," I looked at the stranger in the room, "I'm assuming you're friendly since these guys wouldn't have let you in otherwise, but I don't believe that I've had the pleasure."

He stood from his seat and stepped closer, offering his hand, "Indeed we have not, though sometimes I think I do know you with how much everyone talks about you. James Buchanan Barnes, miss, but you can call me Bucky."

I took his hand with a small smile, "All good things I hope. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you after all the shit I've seen, showing up like a ghost."

He laughed, "Yeah, something like that."

"Okay, sorry to be a party pooper, but how's the kid?" I swallowed deeply, scared of what I would hear.

"He's just fine Lady Y/n. He'll be in the infirmary for observation overnight, but he'll be just fine." Loki's voice was overly reassuring.

"You know, I can always tell when you feel bad for me, 'cuz you call me that," I smiled at him, though I'm sure it looked forced. "I guess that's one thing we can bond over, a warm hello from the newcomer." I shot Loki a wink, making him groan. 

"You are never going to let that go are you?"

"For as long as I live Princey."

Natasha was laughing with Bucky who was a bit confused, but intrigued all the less, "I don't think I've heard this story."

"Oh you will, but maybe not right now," I sat up straight and stretched, "at this moment, I want pizza, a burger, and french fries." I looked pointedly at Loki, "I don't care about my favorite smoothie anymore, I want solid food."

Natasha pulled me from the bed, "Your wish is my command, I was craving something anyway."

So the two of us dashed down the hall, me letting Natasha lead the way to the kitchen.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, if you enjoyed it I would appreciate a comment and a kudos!


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